If you are restless or worried about something, say it. Don't wait for your partner to guess what the problem is, because love doesn't make magicians or mentalists. The partner cannot make an exact reading of our mind. Knowing how to communicate assertively is essential.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
"My partner expects me to guess what's wrong and since I can't find the reason for his discomfort, he ends up getting angry." This reasoning might seem childish, were it not that it appears more than you think.
Many people who expect their partners to be mentalists, fortune tellers and thought readers. Unfortunately, this is not possible. Still, it happens very often.
There are those who, far from assertively exposing the object of their concern, disappointment or simple annoyance, opt for a passive attitude so that it is the partner who has to guess the reason for their discomfort. This causes double frustration.
Adding to the basic problem is the idea that the partner is unable to read between the lines the reason for their suffering. This image, unlike what it may seem, is not exclusive to women.
It's not just women who expect their partners to deduce, a la Sherlock Holmes, what makes them restless. Men also dedicate themselves to this hermeticism; they leave the ball in their partner's court for her to investigate the source of their mood.
No one has a mental detector capable of doing psychic readings. Love is not a question of riddles or magic, but knowing how to share in a mature and intelligent way.
The partner expects him to guess what is wrong: why does he do it?
-What's wrong with you?
-Nothing.
-Are you worried about something?
-What do you think?
Some more, some less will have had this conversation in person or even via WhatsApp. It is true that sometimes there is an obvious reason for the tension or anger felt and most likely the partner is not fully aware of this reality.
Resort to "I have nothing" or "what do you think?" it's a bad communication strategy. The person who does not identify with and does not see any problem is a bad emotional manager as much as someone who does not express it and does not clearly expose it.
Making use of shielding, irony, or defensiveness does not help or contribute to improving the situation. The disconcerting aspect is that this situation occurs very frequently. Let's try to understand why.
The Expectation Trap: If you love me, you have to guess what makes me uncomfortable
When the partner expects him to guess what is bothering me, there is a problem in the relationship. If this happens frequently, it is often due to false expectations. Examples are the following:
- Assuming that your partner has to understand us every second and in every nuance. If I am in pain, if something worries me, scares me, makes me angry or bothers me, the other person should notice it immediately. Because, after all, love is just that, a perfect symbiosis of two who are one.
- Think of love as a magical dimension. Ideas like a soul mate, the perfect half capable of feeling the same emotions causes numerous problems in the relationship.
Relationships are self-constructed realities that we need to redefine in a healthy way. Only then will we stop suffering.
Lack of assertiveness and passivity: I'm not saying my problems, but you have to solve them
Passive people abound in the affective field. These are people who make the least effort on an emotional level and who, far from making use of assertiveness, opt for silence and distance.
Men and women who do not share their problems, either because they are always on the defensive or because they have poor communication skills.
In these cases, a determining factor is added and it is the need for the partner to be worth two. “If I have a problem and you love me, it's your obligation to find out what's wrong and make my life easier; If something makes me unhappy, you have to notice and fix it so that things go well between us ”.
The partner expects him to guess what's wrong because he doesn't know how to open up emotionally
"I have nothing, but I am dissatisfied and I expect you to solve this situation". When the partner is expected to guess what is wrong with the relationship, generally they have poor emotional management skills. There may be a clear difficulty in perceiving, understanding and regulating one's feelings, then blocking and hermeticism emerge.
In these cases it is necessary be patient and help the other person put their inner world into words. The study conducted at Columbia University (United States) recalls that this lack of self-regulation and assertiveness is the main problem in interpersonal relationships.
We all should work on this aspect. At the end of the day we are not fortune-tellers and it should always be the other person who tells us in an assertive, objective and clear way what makes them nervous.
We must learn to say aloud what worries us when it worries us (and not after)
When the partner expects him to guess what is wrong, it is obvious that he has the wrong idea of love. Many times we expect the other person to be more empathetic with us, but be careful!
Empathy is not literally guessing what your partner is thinking. I can sense that he is uncomfortable, but I will not always know why.
We must learn to say what makes us feel bad at the exact moment. It is healthy to say aloud what worries us in the present.
In the event that the partner does something that offends, resorting to silence and waiting for him to realize it and apologize is a childish strategy that indicates a lack of assertiveness.
Conclusions
A relationship requires little magic and a lot of daily work. Because loving is investing in what you want, not waiting for things to resolve themselves or for the other to stand up as a soothsayer capable of reading my pains and solving them for me. Let's do it together, let's learn to communicate.
