Each couple is a world of their own, and experiences conflict from time to time. This is not necessarily a bad thing. When the universes of two adults meet, it is normal for discrepancies and friction to arise. Differences of opinion are not only inevitable, but they are also healthy because they mean that a symbiosis has not occurred in which the identity of one of the two, or both, has been canceled.
The most solid and lasting couples, in fact, are not those who do not have conflicts, but those who know how to resolve them and come out strengthened. However, when latent conflicts are maintained over time and discussions become the daily bread, the relationship will eventually wear out and therefore it is likely that it will eventually break up.
Why do couples fight normally?
Research conducted at the University of Michigan looked at the main reasons couples fight.
1. Condescension. Condescension is a particularly difficult trait to digest. When a person looks down on us and acts as if he is better than us, we can feel hurt or attacked. Condescension is even worse because it mixes arrogance with pity, assuming we don't have the ability to understand, grow, or change. When compliance is established in the relationship, it is offensive and eliminates the possibility of understanding.
2. Possessiveness. In a society where relationships are often exclusive, it's easy to cross the red line and fall into possessiveness and jealousy. If a person believes that their partner is "their property" and claims the right to set limits and impose things, they are likely to generate an intense emotional response from the other party, a response aimed at defending personal freedom. For this reason possessiveness and jealousy are reasons for repeated discussions in couples.
3. Negligence. Lack of attention and application is another of the most common reasons for discussion in the couple. When there is emotional neglect, one of the members of the couple feels abandoned, so he is accompanied, but he feels alone. The other person ignores their needs, consciously or unconsciously, which leads them to complain that the relationship doesn't really meet their emotional needs.
4. Abuse. In relationships, abuse can take on a thousand shades. It is not always about physical abuse, verbal and psychological violence is usually more common and can also be extremely harmful. Humiliation, contempt, yelling or even the use of indifference as punishment are signs of abuse that cause problems in the couple.
5. Neglect. Everyday life can put a strain on couples. The division of daily obligations and responsibilities, household chores and childcare are one of the main reasons couples quarrel, especially when one of the people feels that the other is not helping her enough or is acting recklessly. In many cases, in fact, the problem is not even the unequal distribution of tasks and obligations, but the lack of recognition of the person who carries the greatest burden on his shoulders.
6. Emotional instability. Having an emotionally unstable person by your side, who constantly changes moods and makes you feel like you are walking on glass every day, is not only unnerving but also exhausting. From a couple relationship we need security, when we receive exactly the opposite, our needs are unsatisfied and we end up "exploding" at the slightest setback.
7. Self-centeredness. Overly self-centered people tend to have problems in relationships because they don't tend to show empathy. When we feel that the person who is supposed to support and emotionally validate us simply ignores our feelings and concerns, continually relegating us to oblivion, or always has something more important to do, it is understandable that conflicts arise that end in heated arguments.
If you analyze the reasons why you are arguing with your partner, the chances are that you will find that they are generally recurring themes. Knowing your emotional triggers will allow you to work on those psychological contents that are generating friction, in order to overcome those conflicts and strengthen your relationship. It is important to address these issues so that they don't end up becoming an elephant in the room that continues to grow until the relationship is permanently broken.