Even in the most difficult moments we appreciate the sincere and close help of our loved ones. Yet, sometimes the family, instead of helping us, makes us sink even further with his cold attitude or criticism of him.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 24 March, 2022
When the family does not help in times of difficulty there is only one way out: accept his choices.
Well, it usually happens that in addition to not having the support of loved ones, some of them contribute to increasing suffering by expressing judgments and criticisms.
In this way, they only further deteriorate those psychological resources we use to deal with personal difficulties.
In the introductory part of Anna Karenina, Lev Tolstoy says that “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family, on the other hand, is unfortunate in its own way ”.
There is no doubt: this microcosm called family that is assigned to us with arrogance when we come into the world, it always has some peculiarities. And this is so true that no two are ever alike and, in some cases, they even behave against nature.
That is, far from offering security and happiness and nurturing their members with values of their own, some families clip their wings and inflict wounds. Traumas, moreover, that we can carry over for a long time in the course of our life.
So, if there is one aspect that we know well when we grow up, it is that maturity is a fact that requires us to cut that umbilical cord that binds us to the family of origin in order to fulfill ourselves.
We do it to exercise our freedom and to lead a life of our own to the sound of personal decisions, of paths undertaken in solitude and with determination.
Yet, sometimes it can happen: we fall and fail. In some moments, the obstacle presents itself and then we would like to feel the understanding and closeness of our loved ones.
Yet, there are families who, instead of offering their support, can plunge even further. They do this by conveying discouragement, projecting the sense of guilt onto the individual, underestimating him and even demonstrating emotional detachment.
Anyone who is good at home is also a good citizen.
-Sofocle-
When the family doesn't help: emotional abandonment
People are generally said to be hostages of their own families. Experiences shared with family members build our emotional and psychological baggage, for better or for worse.
Sometimes not having a space of one's own intensifies this interference. Parents, siblings or uncles very often retain some influence over us.
This is why many people often turn to psychotherapy to manage unresolved conflicts, but also wounds inflicted by dysfunctional families in which violations, criticisms and disagreements often occur.
Salvador Minuchin, renowned structural therapist, said that the main responsibilities of a family are tolerance, commitment and support.
When these dimensions fail, everything collapses. When the family is not helpful, does not show understanding or empathy towards one of its members, that microcosm goes up in smoke.
In difficult times, we need to be taken by the hand rather than help
When we face a challenge, we don't always need others to solve our problems. Difficulties cannot always be solved with money or material resources. And in fact the common denominator that predominates is the gratitude shown for having accompanied us.
To give an example, in a study conducted by the psychologist Thomas Wills of the University of Manoa, in Hawaii, he presents an interesting data on the matter.
The kind of support that benefits people the most is the one you don't see. That is to say, we value the love shown by our loved ones; it gives us comfort to feel appreciated, understood and protected.
The sincere affection of our loved ones generates the greatest well-being in us. Hence, when the family does not help, and moreover it turns its back on us, leaving a total emotional emptiness in us, the pain becomes intense.
Families who believe they are helping, but who actually do the opposite
In some cases, another equally harmful situation could arise. Just as there are families who can abandon loved ones, refusing to offer support and show closeness, there are others who choose to help, but they do it the wrong way.
They are those families who take a series of actions and deploy resources that actually only intensify the suffering further.
It is good to know that actually giving your support is an art that not everyone knows how to practice; sometimes it is better to do nothing than to do it the wrong way. Acting knowing what to do, what to say and what not to say requires skills that not everyone has.
In some cases, then, In the family there can be situations in which one ends up sinking even further due to parents or siblings who believe they are doing the right thing.
When the family is not helping, who to turn to in times of need?
In our culture, the family is little more than an institution, almost a sacred icon from which everything transcends. Yet most conflicts, disagreements, disappointments and traumas originate from this often overrated context.
IThe world is divided into happy and unhappy families; some of us are born in the former, others in the latter. So what to do when we find ourselves faced with an obstacle? What to do if the family does not help? In a sense, experience already tells us who yes and who no.
Everyone brings with them their own wealth of experiences e you have to be smart in choosing who to ask for help. Sometimes we find valuable support in people with whom we do not share the genetic makeup.
Furthermore, it is good to keep in mind a detail: it is always better not to be able to rely on anyone than to rely on a clearly pathological circle.
In times of need and in difficulties, you have to keep your clarity to know which shoulder to lean on. Let's think about it.
