Self-compassion: why does it happen to me?

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Louise Hay
@louisehay
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It is very likely that faced with an unexpected event, with strongly negative emotional repercussions, everyone asked themselves before or after the question: “What a misfortune! Why did this happen to me? " or maybe: "What a bad luck I have, everything happens to me!" These and other similar phrases are representative of a wide range of negative feelings such as anger, despair, resignation, loss of hope and self-compassion. At any time, when we feel particularly vulnerable, we do not always manage to find the support or understanding of all those around us; from here we understand that in the face of certain difficult situations it is normal that we feel sorry for ourselves. But ... there are people who exceed in self-compassion and this causes them to end up immersed in a state of despair generated by the constant perception of their inability. In a nutshell: they begin to see themselves as losers and are later unable to stop failing. The most common question is: "What have I done to deserve this?". A person with a certain certain psychological equilibrium, who knows himself and his environment, would try to find explanations and causes in his behavior and beliefs, would try to understand how his action on the surrounding environment has produced or facilitated the difficult situation and, unless it is impossible, would try to be flexible in dealing with what happened. This person has an internal control locus; that is to say, he seeks his share of responsibility in every situation he finds himself in. However, other people have an external locus of control, they put the responsibility for what happened outside of themselves; the fault is always of the others, and therefore they are only victims (of destiny, of fate, of society ...) to whom nothing remains but self-pity. People who continually self-pity are convinced that they are the only ones who suffer from the disagreements of life, that their destiny will not offer them anything good and, in the face of the slightest difficulty or setback, they react with a long list of complaints and complaints that do not it will serve them in no way to address the issues. In short, they are specialists in using "selective abstraction". What is the mechanism of selective abstraction? Let's focus on an example: a series of events happen to each of us every day that have negative and positive effects. People who are self-paced simply stop appreciating the positives, life takes on gray tones. Of course, this mechanism is eminently unconscious and is due to the fact that, in his role as a victim, the person is always focused on observing the negative aspects of every fact that happens to him. This does not mean that these people do not really experience traumatic events or events with a strong emotional impact but that the strategy they take to "deal with" them is self-compassion that leads them to immobility and despair. Until, over the years, what used to be a specific strategy in the face of isolated facts is converted into a style that is always used in dealing with any event and, what is more important: that affects their whole life. Thus, self-compassion hides various dangers: - It undermines self-confidence - It leads to loneliness and isolation from the rest of people - It facilitates immobility and lack of creativity - It does not allow us to analyze life from different perspectives and therefore it will end up precluding us many paths that lead to success We all live sad moments, some more difficult to face, others simpler; the key to coming out of these strengthened is to understand them as life experiences from which we will emerge invigorated. It's difficult? Yes, there is no doubt, but it is not always impossible that we love life and want to improve as people. So I would like to end the article with a sentence from John W. Gardner: Self-punishment is one of the most destructive non-drug narcotics.
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