The biggest enemy of a relationship is not the differences of opinion or the conflicts or the occasional problems that can arise: it is the emotional distance. Affective frost and disinterest are often insurmountable walls that often cause deep suffering.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Emotional distance in a couple creates more depths than a misunderstanding or even a conflict. Losing intimacy, that complicit closeness and the precious fabric in which trust and complicity are intertwined make up a scenario of quicksand in which one sinks more and more every day. Few situations can be more distressing.
The psychological cost to the person who still loves the other, and who suddenly feels that cold wind that brings emotional indifference, can be immense. Nevertheless, it does not come suddenly.
The lack of interest or connection and attention towards the partner takes shape in an imperceptible but progressive way. You notice it in the little things that once had a meaning and slowly lose their original luster.
John Gottmann, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and a leading expert on couple relationships, points out something interesting on this very subject.
The couple who maintains the emotional attachment, that bond built on affection, can deal with any problem, any disagreement and occasional difference. However, if this essential element fails, everything begins to fall apart.
Emotional distance is a prelude with consequences which will necessarily have to be addressed. Understanding what causes it can be the solution in many cases.
I feel so isolated that I can feel the distance between me and my presence.
-Fernando Pessoa-
The emotional distance in the couple: possible causes
When a person wants to build a meaningful relationship, be it family, friendship, or a couple, they know they need to work on the emotional connection.
It's almost like create a refuge where there is room for two people who respect each other, who know each other and who express interest, affection, the need for care and even concern.
Achieving this skill isn't always easy; on the other hand, if we succeed, we will have that emotional muscle capable of facing many difficulties. Expected or actual conflicts with the partner are therefore a cause for concern.
Arguing, having conflicting ideas and getting angry always generate a certain tension and anguish; it is possible to think that it could even be a reason for breaking up.
If there is an emotional connection, an agreement will always be reached. Conflicts are precious scenarios for giving oxygen and fuel to the relationship, clarifying positions and initiating changes that reverberate on the bond.
And all this is positive, all this is facilitated by that emotional fabric that creates bridges and allows us to go beyond selfishness.
The signs of emotional coldness in couples
However, sometimes the reverse of the above is true. There are times when a conflict or even a specific problem reveals the emotional distance in the couple.
They are psychological scenarios where there is no longer transparency, but walls; where communication fails, looks are not sought and words have the sound of an almost desolate disinterest. In these cases the following can happen:
- We no longer talk about feelings and emotions. The argument is avoided at all costs because suddenly one of the two feels uncomfortable; to this we owe the use of very elusive excuses.
- Imbalance in emotional investment. One gives more than the other in a systematic way. In these cases it is common to reach a point where only one member makes an effort to keep the bond afloat, while the other establishes more and more distance.
- Rituals and customs become meaningless. Those little things that were once so important to the relationship, like bathing together, talking for hours in bed, texting each other during work hours, etc., are suddenly no longer relevant to either of them.
- Loss of interest in the partner. One is no longer interested in what he thinks, what he feels, what worries him. Undoubtedly one of the most difficult signs to manage as a result of emotional distance in the couple.
What to do when we feel emotional coldness?
The emotional distance in the couple can hide different realities. The most common is, of course, the lack of love and the reluctance or insecurity to communicate to the other that the feelings have vanished.
In addition to falling out of love, other situations may arise that we can work on to recover the relationship (if possible):
- Emotion-based couples therapy offers good results, as a study by Dr James L. Furrow and Dr Susan M. Johnson revealed.
- It works on aspects such as communication problems, clarification of the problems that distance them, training in expression and emotional management and help to bring the couple bond into a richer stage, thanks to which to understand the partner and deal with the problems.
Each couple, however, has its singularities. Furthermore, distances are sometimes insurmountable, even more so when feelings are no longer authentic. Let us therefore avoid prolonging these unsustainable situations.
