No matter their age or circumstances, a couple can decide to break up at any time. Sometimes even an adult child cannot adequately cope with the separation of the parents. What to do in this case?
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
How to deal with the separation of parents as adults? It is a reality experienced, at times, as a taboo. Strange as it may seem, the idea of ​​breakup and distance from parents can be greeted with bewilderment or even anguish, even if you are already twenty, thirty or even forty.
This situation is certainly more difficult for a child to manage, but this one it does not mean, however, that the adult is immune from certain emotions, inner conflicts or resistances. We often see our parents' relationship as a sacred institution. We tell ourselves with a certain naivety that, once we reach a certain age, the agreement becomes eternal and indissoluble.
Instead, couples separate, marriages end, and love fades, as does patience. Separations can happen at any age, even the most advanced and when the children are already adults. Let's try to understand how this situation is experienced or how it should be managed.
How to deal with the separation of parents as adults?
Psychologically, we know that any change or transition is difficult. Being an adult does not make parental separation more digestible; on the contrary, more complex factors can be added that one is not always prepared for. It is a situation that generally occurs when the children are in their twenties, when they have already acquired a certain independence.
Regardless of whether they continue to live with the family or not, they are already autonomous because they make their own decisions, take care of themselves, lead their lives and are committed to building a future detached from their parents. Suddenly, the mature couple find themselves living in an empty nest; she stops focusing her worries and commitments on her children to look at herself.
What it turns out, at times, is an unpleasant reality. Finding yourself in a relationship that has stopped enriching, has lost intimacy, and where everyone pursues their interests can lead to separation. There is always time to start a new life and the breakup is sometimes not only understandable, but necessary. This does not mean, however, that her children experience it in the same way. In these cases, how do you overcome the separation of the parents?
Don't stifle your emotions, you have the right to feel them (of whatever kind they are)
In general, society gives children more the opportunity to express their emotions. It is therefore acceptable for a child of 6, 10, 12 years to cry, get angry or despair at the separation of the parents. This does not happen when the children are adults.
Yet, it must be clear that it is normal, understandable, even predictable, to feel annoyance, sadness or even anger in these cases. Emotional health means feeling the right emotion at the right time and knowing how to manage it.
Understand and accept (maybe you already expected it)
In order to overcome the separation of the parents, it is necessary to accept. It is not up to the children, even adults, to resolve the situation. Even if you want to mediate and iron out the crisis, it is not always possible or recommended.
Sometimes we are faced with a decision that we somehow imagined and that will give our parents another chance to be happy. Understanding and accepting this new reality is a must, although this certainly does not prevent you from feeling sadness and pain.
Be impartial: as far as possible do not take sides
Sometimes the separation is motivated by specific facts: infidelity, mistreatment, incorrect behavior. These are situations in which it is natural to take the side of the victim, whether it is our father or our mother. However, these are very delicate contexts, therefore it is necessary to move carefully so as not to cause more suffering.
The ideal is to be balanced. Also, avoid becoming a bargaining chip, becoming part of that blackmail that sometimes regulates the most problematic separations. Try to act with measure, balance and tact so that the separation takes place in the best way.
Talk about your emotions with someone outside the family
It is important to be able to talk to someone. The ideal is to open up with a figure outside the family, such as a friend, partner or psychologist. Sometimes dealing with parental separation can be even more difficult because of the guilt, as if we could have done something about it.
We need to express these thoughts and understand how we will manage the changes. Who will we spend the holidays with? What will the visits to our parents be like? And if the relationship with one of the two was not the best, what will happen now? Releasing worries is a cathartic gesture.
To deal with the separation of the parents, remember all the good things they gave you
There is no need to be angry or frustrated by their decision. Our parents are not an indissoluble entity, they are two human beings with their own needs and independent. They have the right to choose their own path. They have the right to start a separate life if that is what they have decided.
To process this situation in the best possible way, it is good to remember what each of the two has given us. Remember their strengths, what they taught you, the good that remained in you. Do not look for a culprit: life is complicated and choices must be made to achieve well-being.
The love they feel towards us won't change, so it's not worth changing our feelings for them one iota. We will enter a new phase and, as adults, we will have to face it in the best possible way. Changes are complicated, but they can lead to more rewarding times.
