Marital crisis: symptoms, how to deal with it and how to overcome it

Who I am
Robert Maurer

Author and references

All couples, however united, sooner or later find themselves forced to face some marital crisis. These situations are much feared, sometimes expected, and inevitable even in the most successful or presumed such unions.

If we were to identify a pattern that leads to a marriage crisis we can identify several triggers:

  • A different world view (social, political and economic);
  • Goals and goals to be achieved at the antipodes;
  • Financial problems and income differences;
  • Problems related to diseases, accidents, addictions;
  • Family issues (such as raising children and influence of in-laws);
  • Sexual incompatibility and betrayals.

To be honest, the causes that lead to a marital crisis can be really many and of different matrix, and if they are not faced openly, they continue to multiply making the marriage crisis increasingly serious and increasingly difficult to resolve.

In today's article we will analyze what are the possible symptoms and possible causes of a marriage crisis, and finally we will also leave you some very useful advice in order to help you out of this bad time hand in hand with your sweetheart.

Marital crisis: symptoms

Marriage crises are not the cause of a couple's malaise but rather the effect, as these situations are mostly due to problems already existing within the family unit and which are not faced and hidden under the carpet. The symptoms that go to distinguish a marriage crisis can be enclosed in several categories.

The first symptom, which is typical of any relationship in crisis, be it an engagement or a friendship, is the outbreak of conflicts and misunderstandings with increasing frequency. Every single discussion turns into a quarrel, we stop listening to those around us and the rare times we start a dialogue, it is always on the defensive, we no longer give importance to the words and the few we say they always have an aftertaste of attack or derision towards the listener.

On the other hand, a marriage crisis usually arises from the fact that we first feel misunderstood and ignored. Communication is always getting worse and it is only used for bureaucratic matters for couples or worse still for digs, and is no longer used to be a bridge to the other person.

After the silences, physical detachment begins. This among the symptoms of a marriage crisis is perhaps the saddest one: the partners begin to isolate themselves and the demonstrations of tenderness and love are becoming increasingly rare, until they disappear completely. The time spent together becomes less and less and in those few moments we give the worst of ourselves, while we leave the best part to others (friends, colleagues and relatives).

We no longer go to events together, sex first becomes fleeting and then disappears completely and with it touching, shaking hands and hugging. Beautiful words are just a memory and even bedtime becomes difficult: you go from going to bed at different times and the few hours spent in the same bed you have the impression of sleeping next to a mannequin. In the worst case, you sleep in separate beds.

The couple's trust begins to lose and then disappears completely. At this point betrayals begin to be suspected and we begin to over-control the person next to us. But at the same time, the more controls are increased, the more the bad feeling of not being able to trust increases.

Mutual support dies. He rushes into a constant flurry of criticism and derision and simply taking care of something in common, even the simplest, for example the garden, becomes a problem and inevitably the cause of further quarrels.

But the worst thing when we find ourselves in this embryonic phase of a marriage crisis, is that we cannot understand what really happened: we constantly wonder how it was possible to get to this point. The man or woman who until a few months ago was your whole life, he first became a stranger and then an enemy!

Have I changed? The husband asks himself, while the wife asks herself the same question. Or have we not changed, but only love is over and we see each other for who we are and we can't accept it? And this is the moment when couples understand that the problem is serious and that it is time to do something: face the marital crisis and think about what to do to overcome it.

If before going on you want to deepen this topic there is already another article (you can find it by clicking here), in which all the different problems that afflict a couple are examined.

Marriage crisis: the various cases

Now we will analyze every single possible case: from the marriage crisis after the first child in which this birth opens the doors to an unknown world, to the marriage crisis after 30 years together in which the third age must be faced together.

Post-honeymoon marital crisis

"After the confetti, you know the defects", they say in my part, with a more or less joking tone, but in reality there are not a few couples who face their first marriage crisis after a few years or even after a few months their marriage. And this is sometimes very traumatic for the couple.

To understand how a marital crisis can occur so early, we need to focus our attention on the life of the couple before marriage: did they already live together? How long have they known each other? Was the decision to marry spontaneously or was it impulsive or due to external reasons?

The more the couple has had time to get to know each other, the more likely it is that the crises, at least in the first years of marriage, are averted. But on the other hand, all those who decide to get married without having a deep knowledge of the other or the other, usually face disappointments and find themselves more and more often thinking "Before it wasn't like that ..."

What advice can you give to such a young couple? The first thing is definitely to be clear, direct and sincere with yourself and with the other person: express your feelings, positive or negative. In fact, all problems must be solved when they arise, without giving them time to rot inside.

It is also important, if you want to avoid a marriage crisis from the earliest years, to organize your life so that there are spaces only yours, without putting your husband or wife at the center of your universe, at least not always. Remember: the success of your marriage largely depends on the first few years of living together!

Marriage crisis after first child

The arrival of a child, especially if it is the first, is a very important moment within a couple: joy and emotion, but also a great test, as our physical and mental balance is always in the balance and this can affect our attitude. The marriage crisis after the first son is always around the corner.

This happens because the balance of two people who are trying to find a dimension of happiness undergoes a strong shake: a third variable! You are no longer just husband and wife but also parents. As a result, distances will begin to form between the spouses: the man cannot accept that his partner does not have the same time to devote to him as in the past (in every sense), while the woman feels the pressure of the responsibilities of being a mother and wife at the same time.

During this sensitive period, mutual support, a reasonable division of responsibilities and understanding are extremely important. Taking a moment to rest during this time can be the best gift for both of you. Is very important spend a lot of time together, never isolate yourself, because this is a key moment to lay a solid foundation for family and couple bonds.

Marriage crisis after 30 years

A marriage crisis after 30 years is due to completely different reasons from those indicated above. A married couple after 30 years of marriage must accept the fact that their children have grown up and are leaving the family unit. In addition, it must be added that the physical conditions are no longer what they used to be and the routine that on the one hand becomes a comfort zone on the other can become frustrating.

In this case it is important to say that a longer or shorter relationship, to be successful, must be a continuous investment. Both of them have to work on it constantly as if you let your guard down, and you lose attention for your other half, it could happen that you wake up one day. after decades spent together with one of them who only wants a divorce.

For a marriage crisis after 30 years, the main advice is to cultivate intimacy as a couple, find a common hobby and not avoid each other. It is certainly necessary to embroider a private sphere, but at the same time not to stop being positive towards the future, as it is nowhere written that there should not be a second youth for a couple of differently young people.

If you wish, an article already exists (you can find it by clicking here), which lists all the best solutions and the path to follow to save your marriage.

Midlife crisis in marriage

The midlife crisis occurs when one of the spouses begins to experience a strong sense of dissatisfaction, with peaks of depression, a strong sense of loneliness and a great regret towards the past and missed opportunities, thus setting out in search of something that you drag him away from everyday life.

This state of mind it can affect your marriage very badly: you will begin to feel unattractive, annihilated by the passage of time and overwhelmed by the increasingly advanced age, in the meantime losing the bond with your spouse. Even the smallest things start to become tragedies and the atmosphere becomes less and less pleasant.

The desire to trigger a rejuvenation will begin to arise, but without involving the husband or wife. In some cases, the strong desire to get back into the game and abandon their family to create a new one can also arise. At this point the marital crisis is already in full swing.

These are all very dangerous symptoms for a marriage, and it is very important to recognize them and ask yourself where these thoughts come from and why you feel these feelings. In these cases, following couple therapy can be of great help, but the real quintessence of a successful marriage is constant commitment since the "yes" said at the altar and above all, do not give in to the first crisis, whether it is an existential crisis or a marriage crisis.

Marital crisis: how to overcome it

Now, however, let's analyze whether it is possible to deal with a marital crisis and how to overcome it. Many will advise you to wait for the bad times to pass and wait for better times. Others will tell you to act without waiting any longer, while still others will tell you to get a divorce without hesitation. All of this will only add to your confusion.

So the first thing to do is stay calm. All of the above advice might be valid, but every relationship is different from another. The first and most important thing to do is always work on the couple relationship, even when all goes well, because this will amortize the effects of a possible future marriage crisis. Furthermore, the tensions that consume the relationship and that separate the two spouses will always be tempered and will never become too toxic or dangerous.

With this type of background it is possible to start making attempts to counter the marital crisis: reorganize the routine, spend time together, talk more and try to reconnect. If all this does not bring any benefit, do not underestimate the possibility of contact a counselor or couples therapist, which will certainly be able to identify the problems and therefore be able to solve them.

If the marriage crisis has been triggered by some temporary variable, do not underestimate it and do not wait for it to pass by itself, if there is a marital crisis always ask yourself how to overcome it. Always strongly support your relationship, work on communication, because even if the marriage crisis turns out to be temporary its toxicity could persist over time.

It must also be said that sometimes a marriage crisis can be the symptom of a couple's malaise due to a real incompatibility. This scares us for several reasons, such as the loneliness in which we find ourselves, but above all for the strong sense of failure that makes us try.

Beyond the inevitable and sad consequences, you don't have to feel guilty. A relationship is always made up of two people and they share defeats and triumphs.

Unfortunately, there are crises that cannot be resolved, but all marital and non-marital crises, if faced head on and with awareness, once passed. they will make you a stronger person and certainly a better person.

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