Argue without getting angry

Who I am
Robert Maurer

Author and references

You are in a bar and are drinking with friends and having a relaxed conversation about it
to the recent changes in the world of politics. Suddenly someone
proposes a rather delicate topic and everyone ends by discussing it earnestly.

This situation can recur with your partner, at dinner, with relatives or at work. However, regardless of the context, the
result is almost always the same: we end up with get angry. The curious part is that maybe after a few
now, when we have thought about the situation with a cool head, we realize it
I realize that the topic was not even that important, as to get so angry
to lose control and perhaps even insult the interlocutor.The truth is that it is never worth getting angry.
However, we can discuss in a civil and respectful way, with a tone of voice
lower and without attacking anyone. Maybe it's hard to put into practice
but not impossible.

The discussion seen from the inside: A discussion almost always begins with a divergence of points of view, a person manifests an idea that we do not share. At this point we tend to adopt a defensive style, put on our armor and get ready to fight against the windmills, like the famous Don Quixote. We are not satisfied that our point of view is heard but we want it to prevail and end up being shared by all. In short, we want to defeat the interlocutor, convincing him that his ideas are wrong. When we start a discussion with the premise of "winning idea - losing idea", we will have already taken the first wrong step. The discussion is an opportunity to exchange ideas, listen to different points of view and enrich our perspective. A discussion topic must not turn into a
battle but rather in a laboratory where everyone brings their own experiences and reflections. Furthermore, when we find ourselves in the middle of a discussion it is important to keep in mind that making others change their minds is not an easy task, much less important. This does not mean that we have to adopt an attitude like: “but why should I tell them? Neither is he even able to understand it ”but rather we should clearly manifest our points of view without attacking the other and without trying to convince him at all costs.

Why do we get angry?Stop for a second and go back in time to remember the last discussion you had. You will surely realize that anger does not only depend on the fact that the other has different ideas from yours but also on the way in which the discussion. As if to say, when the tone of voice is raised, when we assume aggressive body postures and our face expresses anger, it is because we perceive aggression and therefore we respond with aggression.Obviously, we are human beings and for this our communication is always impregnated with emotion. with its negative and positive tones. However, we are also able to regulate our emotions and discussion is an ideal time to practice our emotional self-control. In short, it is not a question of hiding what we feel but rather of assertively channeling our ideas with respect to others.

Tips for arguing without getting angry

1. Respect your interlocutor as you would like to be respected: so, don't verbally assault him.

2. Set up the discussion so that you don't try to change the other: limited
simply to express your point of view in a clear and simple way.

3. Don't feel like you're on a battlefield where there must necessarily be a winner and a
loser. Discussion must be a space in which to exchange ideas
and from which everyone must come out enriched.

4. Listen to the other: sometimes in the course of a discussion you do not listen to what the other is saying because the
our mind is already preparing the next argument to contradict yours

5. Check your emotionality: limits excessive hand movements and lowers the
tone of voice, in this way the interlocutor will not feel threatened e
it will probably react with a more open and open attitude to dialogue.

6. Open your mind to points of view other than yours: sometimes we are the ones who start from an idea
errata but if we opt to hide behind it we will not get of
grow and expand our horizons.

7. Breathe deeply, hold back a second and ask yourself if the discussion is going on
developing properly
: if not, you can simply resend it or
finish it.

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