Mother and daughter: The bond that unites can also destroy

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Robert Maurer
@robertmaurer
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Each daughter carries her mother within her. It is a bond that we will never be able to break. We will always have something of our mother in us, whether we like it or not. For better or for worse, we are part of her, and there comes a time in life when we need to be aware of how much we owe our mothers. We need to know how our mothers have influenced who we are today and how they continue to do so. It is an act of love, but also of courage and personal growth, since we will not always like what we find.

A unique bond that is formed from the very first moment

Christiane Northrup, gynecologist and obstetrician, could not better express the deep bond that unites us from childhood to our mothers: “Our cells divided and developed at the rhythm of her heartbeat. Our skin, hair, heart, lungs and bones were powered by his blood, blood that was filled with neurochemicals that formed in response to his thoughts, beliefs and emotions. If she felt fear or anxiety, or if she felt very unhappy about the pregnancy, our body felt it, as we did even if she felt safe, happy and satisfied. "Later, when we were born, our mother worried about offer us the first experiences of love and support. Its power is such that it not only infects your mood, but it can also make your brain grow.A study conducted at the University of Washington revealed that children who grew up with mothers who have transmitted to them security and confidence showed some more developed areas of the brain, such as the hippocampus. In contrast, infants with emotionally distant mothers exhibited atrophied development. Without doubt, a mother's bond with her daughter is one of the deepest there is. Through this relationship we learn to love or hate, trust or not trust, surrender or fight ... The problem is that in some cases we deny that bond, so we also deny ourselves. If we do not recognize what our mother built, we cannot grow, we will be stuck in denial.

The legacy of our mothers

From time to time I catch myself talking like my mother, using some of the phrases she repeated to me a thousand times in childhood or making that betraying gesture that I spent many years by her side, learning to be myself. And even if we become adults, independent and autonomous, we cannot get rid of the influence that our mothers have exercised. Every woman carries the consequences of this relationship with her. If our mothers have given us positive messages and taught us to love and respect, their teachings will represent a precious emotional guide that will accompany us wherever we go.But if we have had toxic mothers, perhaps we have become suspicious, controlling or blackmailing attitudes that in later we will replicate in our dealings with others. If our mothers were fearful and insecure, it is likely that we will have low self-esteem and will not dare to take risks. In these cases we must heal. And to do this we need to be able to understand how much these limiting behaviors and beliefs come from the relationship we have had with our mothers.

Grow as a person starting from the maternal inheritance?

1. Find out how much of you belongs to your mother. The best way to discover the beliefs, stereotypes, or values ​​your mother taught you is to let your guard down and stop thinking about it, even if it seems like a contradiction. At some point you will catch yourself saying things that are not yours, but belong to your childhood or adolescence. Dig into the underlying message, because it is likely that many of these ideas have been passed on to you by your mother and now you are repeating them, letting them determine your decisions.
2. Consider if these ideas help you. Some of these ideas are likely to strengthen you as a person in the most difficult times. For example, when faced with a problem, it is possible that you unconsciously repeat a phrase that your mother told you a thousand times when you were a child, such as: "Don't worry, after the storm the sun always comes". In such cases, these phrases will help you cope with the difficulties. But if these ideas cause you to despise yourself, limit you or discourage you, it's time to assume they don't belong to you - they are opinions implanted in your mind by someone else.
3. Heals emotional wounds. Maladaptive thinking that limits you almost always feeds on a conflict you haven't resolved. Therefore, it is important that you detect those parts of the relationship with your mother that you do not accept and that require a healing process. Carrying these problems with us, pretending they do not exist, will not allow us to grow. Deal with conflicts, forgive and move on. Sometimes, all we need to do is make peace with the oddities and hardships we've been through. It may have been difficult and still carry the consequences, but these problems have also transformed you into the person you are today, so you better try to understand how they have allowed you to grow.
4. Choose to keep the positive. Chances are that you have overlooked many positives in your relationship with your mother. In fact, as we mature we tend to appropriately value the sacrifices that our mothers have made for us and the care they have dedicated to us. All relationships go through difficult times, there are always arguments and disagreements. After all, you are two different people. However, don't let these problems break a single bond. Focus on all the good things about your relationship. Remember that we all have lights and shadows, but we can decide whether to focus on the mistakes or appreciate the successes. Remember that the best tribute you can give to a mother is to recognize how she has helped you grow and become the person you are today.
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