Attraction and love are not the same.
A 90s show that made me laugh a lot.
Well, in one episode Phoebe, one of the protagonists, is undecided between two boys and doesn't know which one to choose.
After thinking about it she decides to go to the first one and tell him that she is leaving him.
He is a strong and handsome firefighter.
La attracts for his physique.
When she tells him it's over between them, he bursts into tears and shows her a secret diary full of things romantic written for her.
At that point Phoebe thinks he's the right guy and decides to end the relationship with the second guy, a professor cultured and romantic.
When she goes to see him to tell him she finds him in workwear fixing up his house: strong and muscular much more than she had seen him so far.
So, in the end, she can't leave either of them, and when the boys find out about the situation, they leave her!
What was Phoebe looking for?
Simplifying, he sought romance and physicality.
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The attraction that the two boys exerted on her depended on these characteristics that she desired.
He wanted a guy who was sweet and sensitive, but also "macho", with an athletic and strong physique.
So she chose the boy who best responded to these two characteristics. And when he saw them both, he could no longer choose.
What attracts you?
We usually think that the things that attract us are "natural", that they do not depend on us and are innate.
Many like cars.
But cars did not exist 200 years ago: is it possible that a desire for something that is not natural, but a human invention, even very recent, is innate in my mind?
And if the passion for cars was really innate, how come no one who lived in the Middle Ages, for example, ever had this passion?
I think there is a fine line between our predispositions and tastes or preferences, which we develop since we are very small.
A fine line, but there is.
Also considering that since the first months a child begins to absorb a lot from his environment, even many things that we will not even remember.
Most of our preferences have a reason. And to find out, you have to look for it.
What do I need it for?
This you should always ask yourself.
It attracts you what you need to feel good
What good was Phoebe's romance with her boyfriend?
What good was it that he had a helping and muscular physique?
Maybe the physical strength made her feel protected.
Maybe the romance made her feel loved.
We look for the things we consider important, the things we think will contribute to our happiness.
And we don't look for them because they will make us happy: we do it because we think they will make us happy.
One of the main reasons behind your preferences is theusefulness.
We are attracted to what seems useful to us to feel good.
Things do not attract you for how they are, but for what you think they will give you.
And maybe something has happened to you too that has happened to every human being who has lived on earth so far: to stop being interested in something the moment you it was no longer useful in his own eyes.
If you really, deeply and without rhetoric, don't care anymore about something, because you sincerely believe that you don't need it, at that point it also loses interest and no longer attracts you.
The attraction that used to control you now disappears.
It is not things and people that attract us, but what do we think about it, the image we make of it in our mind.
Knowing why I like coffee ice cream may be a curiosity, but it won't count for much.
Know because you trust of some people and not of others o based on what you decide to start a relationship with, this I think is very important to find out.
What attracts you may not necessarily be the best choice for you.
Consider this: we are often drawn to what we feel we need.
But I repeat: it is not the "thing" itself, it is our idea, how we think and the meaning we give it.
Understanding this helps you to get to know yourself better and this will help you to live a happy life, without giving up, but coming to freely choose what is right for you.
And what attracts me?
You know a magnet?
Law is attracted to iron.
When you bring a magnet near the iron is pulled towards the iron, and the force with which she is attracted is greater than her.
The magnet undergoes attraction of the iron and sticks to the iron. He has no choice: the attraction is stronger.
We usually experience attraction the same way: something or someone pulls us to him and we cannot choose, we are pulled in that direction.
I asked myself, reflecting on what attracts us: but to me, what attracts me today?
I thought about it for a while and I realized that today I don't find anything that attracts me.
Several years ago I would have found many things, or people, that I found attractive and that, like the magnet, they pulled me to them.
I don't find any today.
Today it is no longer things and people that attract me, it is I who appreciate, love and enjoy the company of others or the things I have or do.
Attraction and love: freedom or need?
I realized that the process has changed: I am no longer "passive", I am not subjected to attraction, I choose to approach things and people with love.
It is not that the magnet loves iron: it attracts it, period.
To love I have to be completely free: if I need you, I cannot love you.
I have no doubts about this.
And if you attract me, the reason is almost always that you have something that I desire, something that I miss and without which I cannot be well.
Then a you attract me because I need something you can give me.
To be exact: which I think you can give me.
E if i need you, i can't love you.
When I experienced that nothing and no one could make me happy, then everything changed.
A little as if iron became wood: the magnet is no longer pulled towards him and is free from any external control.
If I'm perfectly happy, I don't need you anymore. And here many think that this makes others useless.
And yet this is where we discover the selfishness hidden in relationships.
If I am with you even if I have no need for you, it means that I am there because I want to love you.
If the need fails, I leave, it means that I have never loved you, but only used you.
I think I've done this in the last few years:
- I built my happiness inside of me (and I work on it every day).
- I stopped needing others to stay healthy.
- I haven't felt that attraction since.
- I was finally able to love them.
Probably I will not be able to love what attracts me, because it does not leave me free, it controls me, it forces me not to be able to be well without it.
When I felt attracted I remember that my head was always there, I often thought about it, everything else lost interest in the person, or things, to which I was attracted.
It's not something you do.
I have not chosen not to be attracted to things or people.
I just started loving, and love replaced need.
And I believe it is the natural process we experience when we take this path.
If you want to learn more, I created a path called "Love without being used”And of need and relationship with others he speaks from the first to the last minute. You can find it on this page.