How people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours

Who I am
Robert Maurer

Author and references
Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who was imprisoned in Nazi concentration camps, said that "man can be deprived of everything but one thing, the last of human freedoms: the choice of his personal attitude in the face of a series of circumstances. “Throughout our life we ​​are exposed to dissimilar situations, we face numerous obstacles and suffer various setbacks. We also meet people who are not too agreeable and can cause us great harm. In most cases, there is nothing we can do about it. But we can choose how to react. After all, deep down inside us we can only be harmed by those we have allowed it to.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions

There are people who live as if they were "garbage trucks". They carry a tremendous amount of resentment, anger, sadness or fear on their shoulders and try to dump it anywhere. They are the typical people who overreact to the slightest stimulus and who, consciously or not, make every effort to ruin our day or even our life.These are people who react by attacking, downloading a series of complaints or manipulating us to make us feel in guilt. We can meet them anywhere, in a public office or in a bank, they can be some of our friends, our work colleague, our mother or our partner.These people behave in this way because they have not learned to be assertive in interpersonal relationships, they do not have the psychological tools necessary to deal with adversity and problems, so they end up losing control of their emotions and behaviors. These people are like emotional time bombs ready to explode at any moment. Of course, the damage they cause is their responsibility. Ours is to not get involved in their network.

You will receive what you give

In this sense, the law of karma is very enlightening. This Buddhist principle refers to the law of cause and effect and indicates that our experiences are the result of our actions, words and thoughts. Basically, all our actions leave traces and, over time, produce results. Our minds and our lives are like a field, we reap what we sow. Virtuous actions, words and thoughts are positive seeds from which we will reap happiness, while violence, hatred, ignorance, selfishness and resentment will only produce suffering. Sometimes these seeds remain hidden in our mind, until the necessary conditions for germination are met. Therefore, each person has their own karma which depends solely on their actions, words and thoughts. From this point of view, karma is not a punishment imposed by destiny, it is only the result of our decisions, even the smallest and seemingly insignificant.If every time someone bothers us we get angry, we will fuel the anger more and more until to the point that this emotion takes possession of us. If every time someone complains we follow their game and complain as well, we will end up turning into chronic complainers. Obviously, this way we can't find the emotional balance we need to be happy.

How to react so that they do not take away your emotional balance?

The main goal is to get people not to play with your emotions, because by doing this you are literally giving them control of your life. In fact, it was found that small disagreements in interpersonal relationships cause the so-called "Heart chaos". In practice, stress, anxiety, depression or anger cause the heart rate to be irregular or "chaotic". And the irregular one has often been associated with health problems like hypertension, heart failure, stroke and sudden death, so your reactions will not only determine your emotional state, but in the long run they will also have an impact. on your physical health. However, you must also not allow people to violate your rights by suffering in silence while ruining your life. The key is to find balance, see everything in the right perspective and not allow others to excessively influence our emotional states, especially if they can harm us.
1. Don't get defensive. When we sense that someone is attacking us, our first reaction is to get defensive. In this case the emotional brain takes control and declares the state of alert. When this happens, you just need to wait a minute, take a deep breath and don't react immediately. This will give the cortical areas time to regain control and you can think more clearly how to deal with the situation without it getting out of hand.
2. Accept the situation. Some people cannot change, trying to do so would be like swimming against the tide. Take on this reality and don't expect too much from it. Remember that your worst enemy is often your expectations and the inability to reorganize your field of action in the face of an unexpected situation. It is not about giving up but adjusting your expectations and asking yourself: what can I actually gain from this situation? If you assume that the world is not always what you expect, you will avoid fighting early lost battles.
3. Defend your rights. Without getting irritated, show the other person that you are aware of your rights and that you are unwilling to allow them to be violated. In these cases, the "broken record" technique will become your best ally. Repeat your opinion over and over, as often as necessary, but calmly, so that the other person understands that you are determined to get what is rightfully yours.
4. Change the perspective. If it's not an issue worth discussing, it's best to change the subject. Conversely, if it is something important, you can introduce the other party to a question that makes them think about the consequences of their actions. In fact, many people are not fully aware of the meaning of their words and the decisions they make, thus they will be encouraged to see the situation from another perspective. You can also ask why there is so much controversy, anger or resistance. In many cases, giving a name to what our interlocutor is feeling implies disarming him, and this will allow you to speak more reasonably.
5. React with the opposite emotion. It's about being more tolerant, kind, and humble, even if it takes a lot of effort on your part. Remember that reacting with anger only increases violence. Conversely, if the person realizes that we are not following his game, he will likely stop and think about his behavior. You need to consider that we all affect what the people around us do, so reacting in a calm and patient way can help eliminate anger and intolerance.
6. Put yourself in his place. It is not a question of justifying his behavior, but of understanding that we all make mistakes and that precisely in these moments it is when we need someone understanding close to us. Remember that we need more love and understanding just when we least deserve it, because then that's when we are going through the most difficult situations. Think that you too make mistakes and lose patience, and consequently try to react as you would like others to do with you. Maybe that person who bothers you so much will never change, but at least he will learn to respect you.
7. Protect your self-esteem. Constantly dealing with difficult people can be very debilitating and can undermine your self-esteem. Therefore, it is important that you make sure you protect it. Remember that what others think of you is not absolute truth and does not define you as a person. In fact, you'd do well to think that their attacks could also be a desperate attempt to fuel their self-esteem. Focus on the people who value you and foster the qualities that help you grow. Forget everything else.
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