Last update: April 22, 2022
Irrational fear of something never leads to the right path, because it is based on insecurity or some past trauma. It happens the same when you are afraid of commitment.
It could be said that each of us creates our own "bubble of well-being", that sphere in which everything is perfect. Fear appears at the precise moment when something or someone puts this comfort zone in danger.
This does not mean that the other does it on purpose or consciously, it is we who feel "attacked". When we consider that something will destabilize our perfect world, we get on the defensive, and to some extent, it makes sense. A mother does the same to her child to protect him, regardless of species.
Love as deprivation
If we consider a relationship as a deprivation of intimacy, freedom and autonomy, it is understandable to be afraid or not attracted to commitment (we mean by it a formal courtship, a cohabitation, a marriage).
Rather, we need to understand love as a state in which much is received and given, from companionship to well-being and security. So, the fear of commitment will disappear and it will be easier to include that person in your bubble.
It would be the ideal situation, but it doesn't always happen. Fear is a very powerful weapon that unbalances even the most organized people in the world.
This is why it is said that fear often causes insecurity, created by various factors and capable of causing trauma or bad moods for years. It also causes frustration, discomfort and depression.
When we don't know our emotional abilities, we tend to avoid what "sounded the alarm". Suppose, in this case, a possible love relationship.
We can say that it is a poor adaptation to changes, which instead should always be understood as something positive.
A person who considers himself weak or frail will wear armor so that no one can touch him. But the problem is that the threat comes from within, not from without.
Characteristics of those who are afraid of commitment
The fear of commitment manifests itself in the presence of an unknown situation or, vice versa, too well known e the personal nature is not inclined to openness, but to rejection.
The individual who is afraid of making a commitment typically exhibits distinct personality traits, such as the following:
- He is unable to make personal decisions, because he is very afraid of change and of leaving the comfort zone he has created.
- It is stiff, it wants that everything is under controlotherwise it activates defense or alarm mechanisms.
- He hardly expresses his feelings, he never wants to deepen an important topic, talk about what he feels or thinks about something or someone; this results in poor communication with the surrounding environment.
- He feels so insecure that he can't tolerate others being "better", so he often talks badly or has a wrong concept of others, wanting to convince himself that they are not as wonderful as everyone sees them.
- It is likely that he had a trauma in childhood or adolescence, such as the abandonment of a parent, the death of a loved one, a very stifling, too rigid or permissive upbringing, being left behind by a partner, etc.
- These are very attractive people and great conquerors. The contradictory aspect is that they are looking for a stable partner to feel protected, even though they are unable to handle the situation. At a certain moment the fear of commitment takes over.
- Justify fears or insecurities in different ways, but never talk about what they really feel. The person who is afraid of commitment takes no responsibility and does not accept her feelings, so he will try to break the relationship to recover the alleged "stability" and thus escape that change in their bubble.
How to deal with the fear of commitment?
- Admitting that you have an emotional limit to work on. Assess real needs and leave the comfort zone to get better. Having good self-esteem is essential.
- Overcoming fear by facing it. A very true phrase from Jiddu Krishnamurtu says “do what you fear and fear will die”. There are several strategies you can follow to do this, but the most common is not avoiding what causes fear, because running away doesn't solve the problems.
- Introduce gradual changes to help the mind adjust to them before proceeding to the next step; in this way you will have control over the situation albeit with minimal variations. The brain can be trained like any muscle in the body.
- Increase self-confidence: to value and give positive recognition to one's abilities, as well as to the limits, which are not bad since we can learn from them.
- Express i feelings, even little by little, and receive them in a positive way from the other side. Thus, the tensions are reduced and one is more relaxed. It might be difficult at first, so a good idea is to write them down.
- Confidence: is the key to any relationship. If someone has betrayed our trust in the past, it doesn't mean it will always be like this. In order for the relationship to be based on trust, communication is essential.