Fighting emotional addiction can help us build healthier and longer lasting bonds.
Last update: January 02, 2022
When our happiness depends solely on one person, suffering is inevitable. Unhealthy and obsessive attachment is the main trigger for distress, boycotts, and low self-esteem. The emotional dependence must be eliminated, a necessary step to be autonomous and emotionally strong.
Emotional dependence is the result of a low regard for oneself or on the part of others (this is the case of women who are victims of gender-based violence). Similarly, it has happened to all of us to confuse attachment with love, thus finding ourselves involved in counterproductive bonds. To the point of entrusting our well-being to another person.
It is therefore worth learning how to love ourselves more and enjoy healthier relationships not based on emotional dependence.
Steps to Eliminate Emotional Addiction
1. Recognize addiction
A first aspect that we must consider is the following: the emotional dependence extends beyond couple relationships. It is also often present with friends, colleagues, family and people around. It can be extended to almost any area.
Spesso it can take long periods of time to realize this. We are talking about months and even many years. Why do we find out so late? Because during that journey we often lose our emotional self-sufficiency. We are subordinated to someone to the point of not thinking or acting for ourselves.
Realizing this psychological reality will undoubtedly be the first step in eliminating emotional dependence. Let's consider the following.
How are people addicted?
To assess whether we have a tendency to establish dependent relationships with others, we can observe the following characteristics:
- Under the sign happiness it is focused on a single person.
- The mood depends on how we are treated by others.
- We avoid at all costs to upset others to avoid clashes.
- We put the wishes of others before our own.
- We are only okay when we think we are loved.
- Fear of losing those we love or appreciate.
- We easily fall into emotional blackmail.
- We prefer to suffer rather than leave the person with whom we maintain an unhealthy relationship.
- Guilt feelings: If the other person doesn't feel happy or satisfied, we feel awkward and guilty.
- We want to gain control over the other person's life to make sure we don't lose it: we turn into spies to follow his conversations with others and we stop living our life to follow his.
- There is a clear trend towards social isolation: you want to be with the person in question.
- The relationship generates anxiety: you are never happy because you want more and, above all, you fear being abandoned, which would be a catastrophe because you can't imagine life without that person.
We all would like to have someone special in our life. Nonetheless, the non-dependent individual may have moments of melancholy, but that does not prevent him from enjoying other aspects of his life.
2. Make a list of what makes you feel bad and good
Once the problem has been identified and you are convinced of the need to eliminate the emotional addiction, you need to take a second step.
Draw up a list of things done for others that have been a source of suffering. We are not referring to actions done out of love; but in what we did while knowing that it was not what we wanted, wanted or benefited us at that moment.
The addicted person does not look at their personal well-being, but to that of the other person so as not to lose it.
If you want to eliminate emotional dependence from your life, the first thing to do is think about yourself.
How have we been hurt? What have we done for others by getting an unexpected reaction? Have we neglected friends, family, activities, studies, personal development, etc…? Have they treated us with the respect we deserve?
In such cases it is important to be aware of the suffering experienced. Anything that remains or recedes has a cost.
3. Strengthen self-esteem
The main factor of any emotional addiction is low self-esteem. There are many options to reinforce it. The problem is to give yourself the importance it deserves and to recover that indispensable psychological tendon. Here are some suggestions:
- Start deciding for yourself.
- Remembering past successes.
- Do not compare, do not seek the approval of others.
- Starting new projects, meeting new people.
- Work on assertiveness. Say "yes" without fear and "no" without guilt.
- Take responsibility for your own happiness.
- Knowing yourself, exploring needs and desires.
- Heal wounds.
“Most fears of rejection are based on wanting to be approved by other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions ”.
-Harvey Mackay-
4. Reconcile with the past self to eliminate emotional dependence
Linked to the previous step, it is essential to let go of the past and focus on the changes in the present. However, we keep in mind that the only way to let go of the past is to reconcile with it, or learning to recognize it as a moment in life that has left us valuable lessons and which has helped us to become who we are today.
Likewise, we try to be kind to the ego of the past and do not judge its actions by today's criteria. If anything in our personal history appears to be a mistake in the light of the present, it is precisely because those experiences have made us stronger and wiser. Let's forgive and thank each other for what we lived.
5. Learn to be alone
Life is more beautiful with love, but it is healthy when we are comfortable with ourselves. We can't have a healthy relationship if we haven't developed as people first.
To eliminate emotional addiction, one must learn to be alone. We find out who we are, what we want and what we don't tolerate.
When you love yourself and don't need others, you are ready to love healthily.
We all would like to have an ideal partner, people to love. But the "Need" is one thing, "desire" is another. When we need to have someone by our side to be well, the relationship will most likely not develop healthily.
Learn to enjoy life without a partner. There are countless things to do, such as discovering and developing our skills, carving out our future, spending time on hobbies, making friends with good people, traveling, enjoying the little things. And above all, take care of ourselves and love ourselves as we deserve.
6. Recognize if you need to seek help in eliminating emotional addiction
Finally, if we've worked through all of the steps above, but feel we still have a hard time connecting with others in healthier, more independent ways, it's important to acknowledge this and seek professional help.
A good therapeutic path can help keep track of how some events in personal history have fueled emotional dependence. In addition to this, a professional in psychology can indicate different strategies to strengthen self-esteem and assertiveness.
Eliminating emotional dependence means preserving our self-sufficiency, it means investing in dignity and well-being.
