True love is not magic. It is connection, commitment and sincere respect for each other. It means investing in the couple, being able to imagine a common project, respecting the personal growth of both.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Is there true love? If we were to define it, we would say that it is much more than a feeling. It is a subtle combination of causality, connection and complicity. At the same time it contains powerful ingredients such as reciprocity, care, attention and that stable commitment necessary to undertake a common project, while respecting individual growth.
The Spanish poet Francisco de Quevedo said that “Those who love each other only with their hearts speak to each other”. As we all know, often, although affection is sincere, sometimes we do not know how to speak (or communicate) effectively.
Sometimes you feel a strong passion, but precise elements are missing, which is why love, instead of being eternal, turns into little more than an ephemeral adventure.
So what's the secret? In reality, success does not lie in “loving each other very much”. And even less in being willing to make any sacrifices to be loved.
The formula is not to love each other so much, but to love each other well. As Erich Fromm said, to make love an art, it is necessary to understand that loving is not a passive act, but constant commitment and daily work.
However, one thing must be admitted. Whenever fate makes us meet a special person, unique, almost magical in our eyes, we cannot help but wonder "will he be the right person? I finally met true love?”.
Experts on the subject, such as Helen Fischer, offer us some elements to understand if we are on the right track. Let's see them together.
“Love is not just a relationship with a particular person; it is an attitude, a character orientation that determines a person's relationship with the world, not towards an object of love. "
- Erich Fromm -
The ingredients of true love
Nothing is true until we give it authenticity. In the field of love, this translates into a simple concept: to fight for what it deserves, to give importance to what can warm the heart.
According to Richard Schwartz, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, it is first and foremost about knowing how to deal with the challenges that gradually arise in a relationship.
Love, like the moon, has its phases. Engaging in each of them will make the bond more true every day. Because seeing the effort, attention and commitment of both come together in the couple strengthens the bond and everything acquires meaning.
It is therefore the daily commitment that makes our emotional plot real, brilliant and resistant. To better understand what characterizes this emotional bond, it may be useful to review the elements that compose it.
More than passion
True love is more than feeling and passion orchestrated by a series of neurotransmitters.
- At first we are surprised, intrigued, almost lost. We suddenly find ourselves in front of a person who attracts us and not just for the simple physical appearance. A connection is created that breaks all the previously known patterns. This almost immediate complicity attracts and disturbs us.
- The study conducted by anthropologist Helen Fisher shows that couples involved in a stable relationship experience more than just sexual attraction. In the brain, the areas of empathy, of caring for others, of motivation are activated.
A lasting mood
True love is a mental and emotional state that can stand the test of time. This means, for example, that there is always concern for the other and the need to make him feel good, to alleviate his suffering.
We are interested in his anxieties, we want to become accomplices (not controllers) of his days and we would like to be present in the small and big things of his life.
The idea of timelessness
Timelessness means that when a couple relationship is stable and happy, the past doesn't matter and the future doesn't worry. Those who are capable of building authentic love do not feel a prisoner of the mistakes of the past, especially of old relationships. He just appreciates the present with intensity, wisdom and courage.
He sees the partner as a cardinal point on which to focus on happiness, commitment, effort and hope. The past no longer exists.
The fear of the future and of everything that can happen to the relationship does not exist. There is no fear, only belief that what you want and enjoy is the here and now.
The synergy of true love
Synergy is merging into the same ideals and projects. It means investing in hope, commitment and willpower, not in one direction, but in many directions at a time. It means being a couple of dancers who move harmoniously, creating new figures to overcome any difficulty.
Synergistic couples exist in every area of life. Together they are more than the sum of the individual parts. Together they create a presence you can rely on, without ever letting oneself fall, going straight on one's own path and always feeling safe, always loved.
True love exists, no doubt. But sometimes, even if we feel that it is, it escapes our hands for various reasons. Be that as it may, it is important to allow ourselves to experience this sensation as many times as necessary.
And when it does, we must not hesitate; we must do everything possible so that it lasts, so that it does not escape us: to become eternal dancers on the track of happy relationships.