Trust is rebuilt with actions, not with words. Forgiveness is active, not passive. It is not the flowers or the chocolates that heal the wound.
Last update: February 20, 2022
The emptiness, the despair, the anger, the frustration, the pain, the anguish… It is the mix of conflicting feelings that emerge when a partner's infidelity is discovered.
The intensity of the pain is generally related to the time of the cohabitation and the duration of the betrayal. It does not mean that it hurts those who have just started living together. Not at all, but life is shattered when it turns out that you have been with an unfaithful person for several years.
Dedicating your life to your partner
Betrayal is the end of all that is believed for those who have dedicated years to their partner and children. Women born between the 60s and 70s were educated to sacrifice, to postpone personal dreams and goals to fulfill the role of wives and mothers.
Those who have dedicated the best years of their life to a relationship feel the earth collapsing under their feet in the face of their partner's infidelity. The spouse who leaves opens a wound which has been followed by a grieving process for an unspecified period of time.
This will depend on social, family and personal resources. It will be natural to want to call the ex and ask him / her to come back and at the same time to argue; it's a totally human reaction.
“The world has collapsed on me! He was the perfect husband. "
Infidelity and betrayed trust
When infidelity is discovered, some think it will be possible to stay together without trying to understand or acknowledge the damage done to the relationship.
Pretend that everything will work out it is a sign of a selfish and shortsighted vision. Trust is not recovered simply by saying "I'm sorry".
Can a relationship continue after a betrayal? It is difficult but not impossible. The first important step is to recognize that the relationship has cracked.
What factors contributed or pushed for that betrayal to occur. However, it should be noted that many betrayals have no extenuating circumstances. The cheating partner always has the option to end the relationship. Divorce rather than cheat.
Whoever betrays deceives three people: self, because it is impossible to have intercourse with another person for weeks, months or years without harboring feelings, the partner and the lover.
We are not automatons. It is impossible to separate feelings when sharing private moments on numerous occasions and for a long time.
It is absurd to expect the partner not to express his conflicting feelings and make a "clean slate" without mentioning the situation. Rather, we need to address why it happened. Without excuses.
Trust is rebuilt with actions, not with words. Forgiveness is active, not passive. It is not the flowers or the chocolates that heal the wound. Neither a week nor a month is the time needed for healing.
The stages of a couple's life and infidelity
Many people claim that they are still in love with their partner even though it is a lie. They hide and shut up their discomfort for a while, which will inevitably lead to a crisis.
As the relationship progresses over time, the couple experiences a fluctuation in feelings. The beginning of courtship is the stage of illusion in which the person who is painted according to one's needs is idealized.
Coexistence opens the doors to routine, responsibilities and children reduce the time dedicated to couple complicity. Thus, seduction and mystery decrease and more and more.
The arrival of the first child implies the sharing of affections. There are no longer 2! ... Attention and care must be shared with the newcomer. In this sentence, many men feel excluded because they are not actively involved in the first months of the baby's life.
Intimate relationships diminish and frustration often appears. In many cases, people make the mistake of not expressing their feelings. Common spaces are lost and many women dedicate themselves to their children without involving the partner in terms of responsibility and fun.
It also often happens to neglect and put the partner in the background. The arrival of a child coincides with the highest rate of infidelity.
Reasons that lead to cheating
Far from expressing his discontent, the man takes refuge either in alcohol or in friends. An unmanifest zeal appears. Frustration grows with indifference. While the woman lives her life as an extension of that of her son.
Years later, when the children reach adolescence or leave the house, the couple is alone again, like the early years. Many fear facing loneliness with their partner. How come? Because we are now strangers.
Life changes, it is dynamic and what we feel today will not be the same tomorrow. We have left behind the idealization phase of courtship. On the other hand, it is immature to expect it to continue.
Love also matures, and this allows us to overcome the different crises or the ups and downs in the couple, and then in the family. Passion gives way to calm, stability, quiet love, but why don't we feel alive? What have we done to maintain seduction and complicity in the couple?
Many women tend to keep quiet about their sexual dissatisfaction. The myth persists that women should not enjoy sexuality. Give, but don't ask. How can the partner know what we like if we don't express it?
This is one of the factors that favors female infidelity. But as when the man is the one who betrays, we are both responsible. Both those who do not give and those who do not ask. If this is your situation, seek professional help.