Discussing problems is always positive, no matter if it is a matter of difficulties in the relationship of a couple, between parents and children or at work. When a discussion focuses on a specific goal, the likelihood of both parties reaching an agreement and understanding the other's point of view is good. But when the discussion takes place on two distinctly separate positions, the chances of solving the problem are drastically reduced.
We all, at one time or another, have had to face discussions. They usually arise from a normal conversation in which a problem is faced and ends by bringing to light a thousand different difficulties that often have nothing to do with the original topic of the discussion.
This happens because our brain is constantly struggling with associations and comparisons. We analyze reality by comparing it with experiences and this form of thinking is so common, it comes to us so automatically, that it is difficult for us to focus on a topic, especially when it concerns us directly. In this respect, discussions sometimes get distorted without people realizing it and without knowingly wanting to.
Other times the discussions take an equivocal direction because one of the two does not intend to answer, does not want to reach a solution, but simply wants to demonstrate his supremacy. He does not argue to reach an agreement, but to win.
This is the typical case where one member of the couple tells the other that he or she would like to spend more time with her or him, but reminds him that he works too much. At this point, the person may perceive this statement as an attack and can respond by counterattacking. Instead of focusing on the causes of the problem and trying to solve it, he points out all the times he was available, remembering that the other was not next to him because he was doing something else. Hence the discussion degenerates, because both heat up and it will be very difficult to reach a satisfactory conclusion for both.
If you see that the other person is about to lose his temper, it is often enough for you to repeat the question or problem you want to solve. Point out that you have a goal and that it would be best to limit the discussion to that plan. Also, point out the reasons why it is important not to distort the topic of conversation and, finally, in order not to hurt his feelings, give importance to his arguments, focus on the future.
You can say, for example: “I want to talk about the time we spent together (repetition of the problem) because I like being with you and I want our relationship to strengthen (give your reasons). You are right when you say that many times I was absent (emphasize the importance of his arguments), but in this way we do not achieve anything. I think it's best to see what we can both do from now on to spend more time together (focus on the solution). "
If you don't lose your temper, the other probably won't lose it either. With this attitude you will not only show that the other is important to you, but that you also want to reach a solution.