Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 24 March, 2022
Love me like this: free, sometimes messy, daring, chaotic at times, imperfect, always bright. Do not desire me docile, submissive, silent; we do not idealize a libellus love and we do not erase the nuances that make us unique, to you and me. And if you want it to be, you better let me go, give me back to my world, my currents, my nourishing solitude, my roots ...
Benjamin Franklin said, without being mistaken, that in our world there are three particularly hard things: one is steel, the other the diamond and the third is knowing oneself. It is evident that such an undertaking is not easy, that plunging into the rocks of our insecurities, fears, anxieties, virtues and shadows requires patient and courageous skill.
However, few things are as bold as setting one's personal boundaries, how to conquer private spaces and self-knowledge to maintain authentic loyalty to oneself. Only in this way will it be possible to establish more satisfying emotional relationships, only in this way will a more integral existence be given shape and in accordance with one's values, in which conduct and thoughts are always in rigorous balance.
There is a fact that we should bear in mind: recently Dr. Yi Nan Wang, a famous researcher in personality psychology, explained in one of his works that most couples get to "dilute" part of their ego to achieve a better harmony with the loved one. A desire for communication that turns into a more docile attitude and in giving priority to the partner's needs while putting one's own on the back burner.
Dr. Wang, therefore, affirms that we are capable of developing what he himself has defined as "balanced authenticity". It is a concept based on Erikson's psychosocial theory, with which he reminds us that every mutually satisfying relationship first passes through a phase during which we have been able to delimit our identity.
The need to practice healthy authenticity
Maybe in the past we were docile, manipulable, complacent ... Most of us have been for a few years, because that's how they educated us, because others wanted it. In this way, of course, we were easier to handle, to control; we were able to adapt to the mechanisms of a society in which sometimes having your say is little more than audacity.
All this leads us to feel a certain fear or reticence in showing our authentic self. Likewise, and although it is clear to us that these thoughts, voices and feelings are essential for our integrity, we say to ourselves "no", that it is better not to make them see, hear, notice too much. We are afraid of being rejected because of them, we are afraid of upsetting others, of hurting their feelings, of breaking the patterns created on our person.
However, where does our personal pattern or identity remain? Boycotted. Not being able to enact healthy authenticity, we become our own emotional sniper. Thinking that being authentic can hurt those around us, we become victims of our own naivety. However, this is not the case.
Aristotle said that the healthiest authenticity is possible thanks to what he called a "golden balance", where being frank does not necessarily have to hurt or cause rejection, since what we actually do is honesty.
Do not want me docile, but with my shades, my lights and my blinds
Dr. Yi Nan Wang of Peking Normal University has recently created the interesting “AIRS” (Authenticity in relationships scale), which aims to measure the level of authenticity of the two members of a couple relationship. With it it was concluded that one of the keys to social well-being in the population is precisely the ability of individuals to practice the aforementioned personal honesty and the authentic sense of identity with which not to boycott oneself or let others do it.
The 9 elements that make up the "AIRS" scale and to which we should answer with a "yes" or "no" are the following:
- I always hide my true thoughts for fear of others' disapproval.
- I like meeting the needs of others.
- I don't have the courage to tell others the truth so as not to hurt their feelings.
- I am fully aware that I have to commit myself to myself.
- I always find a way to reconcile my needs with those of others.
- I would never give up on my true self and would not let my partner do it for me.
- In general, I tell the truth without worrying about how others may react.
- I give myself priority, the feelings of others are not important.
- I almost always offend people by speaking frankly.
How to evaluate the scale of authenticity
Surely you have already got a rough idea of ​​how to evaluate this scale. However, it must be said that it measures three dimensions:
- Items 1-3 represent skewed authenticity, the one with which people usually give up their feelings and their identity in the name of those of others.
- Elements 4-6 represent balanced authenticity or the ability to express ourselves freely and with respect, taking into account both our own needs and those of others.
- Elements 7-9 represent self-centered authenticity or the most extreme tendency that causes us to fall into selfishness or aggression by prioritizing ourselves to the point of hurting or offending others.
To conclude, as we have been able to see, we must be able to implement balanced authenticity, the one that combines honesty with respect, freedom with belonging and self-esteem with the growth of the couple, not only in relationships. of couple. It is, in fact, about a dimension to be implemented in all areas of our life, where it is not worth being docile or submissive, but bright, with character, unique and certainly wonderful.
Images courtesy of Kelly Smith
