Last update: 28 September, 2018
Several authors, such as psychologist Robert Sternberg and writer Walter Riso, have theorized about the possible components of un complete love, finally agreeing on physical attraction, commitment and closeness.
The appearance of one component rather than another directly depends on the type of connection between the two people involved. Hence, love varies on a physical, mental and emotional level. Although each author identifies with different names the three components that make a love complete, they all refer to the same concept. Sternberg talks to us about intimacy, passion and commitment, while Walter Riso talks to us about Eros, Agape and Philia.
A complete, healthy and rewarding love, which brings us closer to tranquility than to suffering, requires the conjunction of three facts: desire (Eros), friendship (Philia), and tenderness (Ágape)
-Walter Rice-
The initial stage of love
We cannot force love. It begins with the attraction between two people, which requires a physical component as well as a certain similarity and closeness.
If we have taken a "crush" on someone and that someone has taken it for us, we naturally tend to feel affection for this person and want to share time with them. But to succeed, you need to be on the same wavelength, have more points in common than differences. In some respects important to the relationship, this can sometimes happen, sometimes not.
The greater the connection with the other person on different aspects, the more likely the relationship is to last. At best, this will allow the couple to grow together, building a complete, healthy and rewarding love that meets three levels: physical, emotional and intellectual.
Let's see in detail the theories of Sternberg and Riso on the concept of love and its components.
Sternberg's love triangle for complete love
According to the triangular theory of love advocated by psychologist Robert Sternberg, this emotion is alive and changing. We can find it in different forms or phases that they can be explained with different variations of the mix between the three main elements of love: intimacy, passion and commitment.
Regardless of the intensity with which each component is present, all three are necessary to speak of complete love. However, there are reports in which two out of three or even one in three appear.
According to Sternberg, it is more difficult to maintain complete love than to achieve such completeness. To do this, it is necessary to transform the components of love into action.
Without expression, even the greatest love can die.
-Robert Sternberg-
1. Intimacy
Intimacy implies the desire to give, receive, share. This concept includes all the feelings that promote closeness between partners, which lead them to want to spend time together and to reveal personal or private things.
In general, intimacy is associated with all those feelings that promote bonding. This creates mutual trust, which allows us to open up to the other and to be ourselves.
Intimacy arises when we start showing ourselves for who we are. This depends on both trust in the partner and the feeling of being accepted. In general, intimacy generates a feeling of happiness and a desire to nurture the other person's well-being.
The strongest love is the one capable of showing its fragility
-Paulo Coelho
2. Passion
Passion is the intense desire to be continuously with the other person. It results in a strong sexual and romantic desire, accompanied by psychological arousal. Passion is the "spark" of the relationship; it is to feel physical attraction and desire towards the other person. Without passion, in most cases, one cannot really talk about a romantic relationship, but about friendship.
Passion can be associated with intimacy, but this isn't always the case. On its own, it's exciting, but not enough to build a lasting relationship and complete love. However, both passion and sexual intimacy are basic in couple relationships.
Passion is quick to develop and quick to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly and engagement even more gradually.
-Robert Sternberg-
Commitment involves the decision to love another person and to keep that promise. In general, it is about a long-term approach. In everyday life, this involves sharing life plans and forming a family. That is, to carry out a life plan together.
Commitment manifests itself through fidelity, loyalty and responsibility. It is the component that stabilizes romantic relationships that are an example of complete love. It may diminish, or even disappear when the initial passion fades; it can be maintained or augmented with intimacy.
The three components of complete love according to Walter Riso
According to Walter Riso, a couple who forms a relationship based on a complete, rewarding and pleasant love it requires the union of three factors: desire (Eros), tenderness or fidelity (Agape) and friendship (Philia). Each is an important part of what is known as true love and plays an essential role in the emergence of physical attraction and the subsequent development of affinity.
The combination of these three elements results in making love (Eros) with one's best friend (Philia) with infinite tenderness (Ágape).
-Walter Rice-
1.Eros
Eros is the feeling of attraction for the other, sexual desire, possession, falling in love, passionate love. It is the Ego that craves, that shows itself greedy, that demands, that desires. The other person, the YOU, fails to be subject. This is the most selfish facet of love which translates into "I want to possess you", "I want you for me".
Eros is conflictual and double by nature: it elevates us to heaven and lowers us to hell in an instant. It is love that hurts, what is related to madness and the incacipatà to control oneself. Yet, we cannot do without it, as desire is the life energy of any relationship.
Eros is also responsible for idealizing the other person when we feel loved, leads us to overlook her mistakes or to worship her.
80% of a good relationship does not reside in Eros: you cannot make love 24 hours a day, nor every day of the week.
- Walter Riso-
In Philia, the ego transcends to integrate the other as a subject. A union is produced between the I and the YOU, although it is not a complete union. We understand Philia as friendship, and friendship as a way of loving someone through the love and admiration of friends. The central emotion is the joy of sharing, reciprocity, feeling good with the other person and tranquility.
For a couple to function well it is not enough to "make love", but also to "make friends", contradict and enjoy it.
-Walter Rice-
Si it's about having projects in common with the person we love, to become friends of adventure, play and humor. To feel joy for the mere fact that the other exists, as happens with friends.
Loyalty is the main value of the Philia. It's not about thinking exactly like the other person - the idea is that differences can indeed strengthen the relationship. Together we are strong, together we are more; and this is because we benefit from each other's strengths and abilities.
Ágape is selfless love, tenderness, delicacy, non-violence. It is not a question of the erotic ego that razes everything to the ground, nor the ego and the YOU of affectionate love; rather it is a question of selfless love, devoid of selfishness. It is about taking care of the other, feeling the pain of him, looking for the best for the loved one.
I don't want to love you much, just enough to feel good, to feel good with each other and dress up in eroticism.
-Walter Rice-
Complete love
Living complete love requires the right balance between these three elements. However, achieving that balance does not guarantee a good relationship. Indeed, Stenberg argued that the key to happiness in love is that both members of the couple have the same feeling.
The right formula for a good relationship varies for each couple, who must mix the right doses of each component according to the time and situation.
In any case, to live a love that can be defined as complete, You will always need to connect with your loved one on a physical, mental and emotional level. This is achieved thanks to physical attraction and perceiving in the other person a person you can rely on in case of need, sharing values and projects, and striving to make the relationship work.
