Last update: April 25, 2016
Once upon a time there was a child who was constantly in a bad mood, who only felt hatred and always quarreled with his schoolmates. One day his father proposed that he hammer a nail in the door of his room every time he had an argument with a friend. The child hung many nails on the door, but as it was very difficult for him to do so, he stopped arguing with his companions.
His father advised him to pull out a nail for each day he was not angry, and so he did. It was then that his father showed him the marks each nail had left on the door, telling him: never forget that anger and hatred leave deep marks on our hearts.
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is contained than to any object on which it is poured."
-Mark Twain-
Anger and hatred as a problem
The anger and hatred felt by man can be the irritated or angry reaction to the indignation of seeing one's rights vulnerable. We have all been outraged in our lives because of an unfair event happening around us (a politician who acted fraudulently, a woman who was mistreated), but the indignation at the injustices is worthy of respect.
However, the problem arises when anger and hatred are used as a stopgap for our fears, for something we did wrong. In these cases, when indignation loses the prerogative of reaction in the face of unjust facts, it turns into a simple manifestation of the ego, in the demonstration of the inability to control and manage our emotions correctly.
Anger and its causes
According to Raymond Novaco, an expert on anger in psychology, anger is an emotion with important communicative functions, since it allows us to express our negative emotions. However, it is often confused with aggression, i.e. behavior. The boundary between one and the other is often complex.
Novaco argues that there are four basic types of provocation that are the cause of our indignation:
- Frustration or the inability to satisfy a need or desire can generate feelings of anger in us, such as facing a bad exam grade or when a person does not show up on an appointment.
- Irritating events, such as noises upstairs preventing us from sleeping or a lost or missing key, can also lead to feelings of anger.
- Verbal or non-verbal provocations taken personally, a friend's sarcastic comment, a car that overtakes us at great speed and sounds the horn, are all phenomena that can make us angry.
- Additional causes of anger can be a lack of punishment or an injustice - such as inappropriate criticism of us - as well as an unfair event such as someone's violent death.
Symptoms and consequences of anger and hatred
Behind the hatred and anger, low self-esteem, insecurity, emotional immaturity, self-centeredness, impatience, poor tolerance or frustration can be hidden. According to the psychologist Bernabé Tierno, behind an out-of-control and out-of-measure anger, there is always a child - an immature and unthinking being - frustrated and fearful who, to get rid of his fear, to lift himself up and to fight what is against him, exploits indignation, fury and destructive violence.
It doesn't change whether it's a 16-year-old teenager or a 50 or 70-year-old adult, his fears will lead him to behave like a 3-year-old, capricious and fearful, who gets angry because someone has stolen a toy from him. Anger is the armor with which man protects himself in the face of the inability to realize his dreams.
"Anger is a poison that one takes so that the other person dies."
-William Shakespeare-
Anger and hatred can lead the individual who tries them to suffer consequences such as the tendency to have superficial relationships or based on the domination of the other., obedience, guilt and remorse, loneliness, lack of empathy towards others, the belief of being the only bearers of truth.
How to react in front of an angry person
When another person's anger and hatred will target you, the best thing to do is distance yourself from them. When that isn't possible, some steps should be taken to prevent that person's feelings from raging on you:
- Don't allow her to attack you when she wants.
- Don't waste time contradicting it.
- Remember that you are the strong person, the weak one is the one who shouts.
- If the situation is getting out of hand, avoid it. Come back for a moment of common reflection when the other has calmed down.
“Anyone can get angry: this is easy; but getting angry with the right person and in the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way: this is not within anyone's power and it is not easy. "
-Aristotle-
