Last update: 11 September, 2015
Very often, the ego offers us a limited view of reality, and accepts only its point of view, its way of understanding the world, and even of loving.. Few realities can be as harmful and destructive as selfishness, in any sphere, whether it be in terms of friendships, work or a relationship.
The ego loves to do things its own way, it wants the world to be in perfect harmony with its perspectives, with its personal conception of what is good and what is bad. He does not like unexpected events, spontaneous reactions, those that are beyond his control or that express a will of their own.
To love fully, we must "deactivate the ego", allowing our partner to love us freely, remaining a person with his will, and not necessarily the person we want. The love that offers itself in a spontaneous and whole way is undoubtedly the fullest and most sincere one.
What is hidden behind the mask of the ego?
It often happens that we start a relationship with people who have qualities that we initially admire, even seem extraordinary to us. Qualities such as self-confidence, a cool head, full confidence in one's abilities and even a certain inclination towards protection, which could make us mistake.
Yet, over time, that initial security is compounded by the need for control and the obsession for things to adapt to their patterns. That is to say, that what we initially believed was security is actually fear that we escape their control, that we notice their vulnerabilities.
People with a very strong ego want first of all to be recognized by others and, in particular, by their partner, because they are unable to recognize themselves. And the reason for this is rooted in fear, which they cover with the mask of the ego, in order to survive.
In reality, it is not at all easy to deactivate the ego of the person we love. Once we have discovered this dimension, that is to say, once we have realized that his virtues are actually double-edged weapons, and that he uses his ego to create expectations about us and submit us, we must be very clear. in mind that the only thing he wants is to fill his gaps through control, an unhealthy attachment with which he masks his immaturity.
The ego can have different masks, and for sure you are already familiar with some:
- Play the victim
- Seek recognition for everything they do or say, without taking others into consideration
- Give responsibility to others, to lift their ego
- Always look for a guilty, whenever they themselves cause a problem
- Don't accept spontaneity, new things, which escape the schemes
- Do not let them have your personal space or follow your passions, limiting your personal growth.
Learning to deactivate the ego
It is necessary to understand that the ego is a way to immobilize the forces that move conscious love, the mature love that offers itself in a full and free way to the other to form a couple, to have a common project, always respecting the personal growth of each. - Toon Herltz
If your partner is a skilled architect of selfishness, put the brakes on him from the beginning and make him understand clearly that loving is not judging, nor controlling, much less filling our voids and our insecurities through manipulation. Love must not be a burden, but a possibility for inner growth. Of fullness.
It is important to start giving up on doing things as our ego wants, and that we learn to enjoy them as they happen.. Only then will we awaken our true awareness of what islove, by ceasing to struggle to open the doors to the spontaneity of everyday life, to a freedom in which there are no attachments, and in which everyone is master of himself, even if part of a common project.
We cannot forget that many of us, in one way or another, are a little selfish when it comes to affection. Yet, the right balance can be found in everything. If we let the ego carry us with all its intensity, however, we will never see the reality of things, but only our needs and the negative feelings that all this generates.
It must be taken into consideration.
Images courtesy of Benjamin Lacombe, Toon Herlz