Who makes you angry controls you

Who I am
Robert Maurer


Author and references
There are situations that simply make us lose our minds. There are times when we can't control that feeling of anger that is rapidly growing inside of us until it burst. There are also people who have the same effect. They could be extremely perfectionists, too critical, or they are people who don't like to compromise themselves. One way or another, the truth is that their behavior and attitudes end up undermining your psychological balance, destabilizing you and generating anger, but in reality it is not this person's fault that you are angry. You are not angry because of him, you are the one who gave him permission to make you angry, you allowed his behavior to resonate within you, you allowed him to destabilize you. After all, we need to remember that only what really matters to us can hurt us, so that whenever we let a person unleash our anger it is as if we are saying that “what this person thinks of me is more important than that. what I think ". In this way you lose control and give it to the other, losing the battle before even starting it.

Your emotions are yours alone

Carl Rogers said: "Recognizing that 'I am the one who chooses' and 'I am always the one who determines the value experience has for me' enriches me, but it also scares me." The point is, when we get angry, we tend to point the finger at others. Moving our attention away from us is easier, because it helps us to free ourselves from all responsibility and thus we avoid having to work to control anger. It is easier to blame someone else for our anger than to look for the causes within ourselves. After all, we've been taught to think that anger is a response to certain environmental conditions, but that's only a small part of the truth. The truth is that our emotions and feelings are our responsibility because, although we cannot choose how we feel in certain circumstances, we can choose how to react to them, we have the ability to modulate our reactions and stay in control. we let someone make us angry, we are giving up control, we are giving them an importance that they probably do not have and, above all, we allow them to take away a precious asset: our emotional stability.Accept that emotions are ours and that we can choose how reacting can frighten us, because it means taking on an enormous responsibility, but, at the same time, it opens up a world of new possibilities because it invites us to get to know ourselves better, to immerse ourselves in ourselves to understand why we react in a certain way.

How to keep calm?

If you think about it, reacting angrily to someone is like putting our emotional stability in their hands. But would you entrust your psychological balance to a stranger who, by the way, is rude and unpleasant? From a rational point of view, the answer is a firm "no". However, emotionally, that's what we do every time we get angry. Therefore, it is important to learn to remain calm. React with tranquility from strength. And a lot.
1. Find out the source of anger. Usually the person in front of you isn't just the flame that lit the fuse. In fact, you may have gotten angry because you had a bad day, because something didn't go as planned, or because you had too many expectations from the business meeting. One way or another, the cause of anger can be found within you, it makes no sense to look for it outside. Practicing looking inside will allow you to shift your attention from the outside to the inside, and the simple change of perspective will allow you to regain control of the situation.
2. Don't take it personal. Most of the time we get angry because we assume the other person's behavior or attitude is a personal attack. But that is almost never the case, it is a misinterpretation. In reality it happens that our ego, which is often huge, makes us think that certain situations are a personal attack, because we have identified ourselves excessively with the experience. Therefore, it is important to learn to evaluate situations by assuming the correct emotional distance, so that you can develop a more objective and rational perspective. The world does not conspire against you, it is just a distorted perception of your huge ego.
3. Change the way you think. To stay calm in the most complicated situations, one might think that anger is a kind of gift. If a person is trying to make you angry, you can let them or not. If you accept this "gift", you will get angry and the person will have gained power over you. On the contrary, if you don't accept it, if you don't follow the game of insults and provocations, he will have no choice but to keep all those toxic feelings to himself. Remember that there are people who act as if they are "garbage trucks" in an emotional sense, but it is up to you to accept that they dump these toxic feelings on you or ask them to take them elsewhere. lies a famous quote from Aristotle: “Anyone can get angry, it's very simple. But getting angry with the right person, in the right proportion, at the right time, with the right purpose and in the right way, is certainly not easy ”.
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