Last update: February 11, 2016
At the most unexpected moment, at work, at a party, at a dinner with friends, someone arrives who catches our attention. If we have a partner and are attracted to someone we are starting to know, we suddenly find ourselves at a crossroads.
We can't control who to fall in love with, who to be attracted to. We can spend decades with the same person and suddenly someone arrives, someone who makes us vibrate and excite us again.
We get nervous, our hands sweat, we stammer, we stumble and our heart beats fast.
"Love gives us two major adversities of opposite signs: loving those who do not love us and being loved by those we cannot love".
-Alejandro Dolina-
What do the studies say?
In a study conducted by researchers from four universities in the United States (Columbia, Indiana, Kentucky and Lexington Universities), 160 women between the ages of 19 and 56, married or in relationships lasting more than 3 years, were analyzed and 70% said they felt attracted at least once to someone other than their partner.
Most women (70%) have experienced attraction in the workplace, which is not strange as it has been shown that people become more attractive as we spend time with them.
Thanks to a study published in Psychological Science entitled "Leveling the Playing Field", it was concluded that the attraction can increase over time.
However, the fact of feeling attracted to another person when we already have a partner it doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage or relationship, since, in general, that situation helps us to see the problems that may exist in the relationship and to appreciate our partner more.
The causes of attraction to another person
The question is, why are we attracted to other people when we have a partner? Here are some of the reasons:
Attraction for novelty
When we have been in a relationship for a long time and have lived together with a person, the novelty disappears, we enter the everyday life and, over time, we stop feeling the attraction we felt at the beginning and we stop surprising ourselves.
With the passage of time and once the idealization of the partner has been overcome, we realize that, together with the merits, he also has defects, that we have different tastes and concerns, that our desires are opposite, and all this, at times, it causes discrepancies, boredom and monotony.
Let's look instead the other person we met and that attracts us like something new, cool, scary, attractive, interesting, inspiring.
We must not confuse attraction with love, because love is much more, it is desire, it is friendship, it is concern for the other, it is feeling what the other feels and respecting him.
Confusing friendship and love
The monotony of our relationship as a couple can lead us to search for something else outside of the relationship itself, but we must be very careful and not think that we are faced with love, when in reality we are dealing with a friendship.
When we are attracted to a new person, we go through the phase of falling in love, we fantasize about its qualities and don't see its flaws. We don't know what that person is really like, what it would be like to live with her. Maybe we are confusing friendship with love.
The negative aspects of our partner
In a phase of couple crisis, during which we met a new person, we will see all the possible defects in our partner and all those manias that seemed fascinating to us, now they seem hateful to us, we think he is a boring, unbearable person, etc.
All that is negative is expanded.
What to do when another person arrives?
We are attracted to another person, we see all the flaws of our partner, we need to change, we know it and we ask ourselves: what do I do?
1. Take a good look at how you feel about this new person who has come into your life
Maybe you feel passion, friendship, love, need for something new.
2. Examine in detail how you feel about your partner
It is possible that there is something that is not working well and it is time to discuss it. Communication is essential in the couple, often what is not said ends up hurting forever.
Even if when you meet a new person you only see the negative aspects of your partner, you must make an effort to see the positive aspects as well, in order to remember why that person attracted you, what you liked about them.
3. Take some time to reflect
Maybe you need to be alone for a while, to reflect, to get to know each other and to make peace with yourself. Loneliness brings good advice.
4. Talk to your partner
Tell him / her what worries you, what you need to change, share your emotions.
And above all: be happy!
