Love or indulge?
When you love me, you don't necessarily do what I want, do what is right.
And saying "no" is often the right thing, but others won't appreciate it.
Better to go along with them then?
I'll explain it to you in this video.
At this point I imagine you are wondering: how do I distinguish when it is right to say yes and when to say no?
It depends on what you mean by "right".
If by "right" you refer to the consequences that your actions or words will have on the other person, or if you refer to the intentions by which you are moved and that only you can truly know.
Consider that every action or word, but also every silence, will inevitably have consequences, and that these consequences will not depend on you but largely on the other person and on a whole series of surrounding situations that are not and will never be under your control.
A week ago my aunt suddenly died at the age of ninety, whom I had decided to welcome into the house with me about a year and a half ago.
In the last few months she had become particularly dependent on me, feeling particularly fragile physically and emotionally.
I remember a recent evening when I was faced with a very important choice for me, whether to keep her company or not to watch a program on TV together. In the end, despite several doubts, I had chosen not to do it, despite the fact that that program was also of great interest to me and I also knew how much she would like it.
In making this choice, the deepest intention from which I was moved was to try not to accustom her too much to my constant presence, knowing that there would be days in which I would necessarily have to leave, a situation that lately she had started to live forever. worse.
What would I have done if I had known these would be his last days? I have repeatedly asked myself this, immediately after his death.
I can tell you that, with the information available to me at that moment (and I don't think it is a coincidence that we humans are not given to know the future even imminent) I would probably do the same thing, like all the other times I had chosen instead, until the last day, to be close to her.
We cannot know.
There are so many things we cannot know, and our job is not to worry about what is not under our control but about give the best of ourselves with what we have and know.
Even the greatest gesture dictated by the most authentic and sincere love could lead to negative consequences or not be understood, just as a gesture or word of ours dictated by fear and selfishness could perhaps also help the other person to grow.
What really matters is your intentions.
So here's a test to measure your ability to love.
It will allow you to understand if in this moment of your life you have the ability to truly love (especially who you say you love).
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But how do you know if your yes is driven by love, authentic and selfless towards the other person or if your no is an expression of your selfishness or your need to affirm yourself?
In some cases it is quite easy to understand, even if uncomfortable and difficult: as you have seen in the video, if something you do not agree with or it is not right for you or it is clearly harmful to the other person, you are aware that "no" is the best choice.
I actually understood this: even when you seem to be groping in the dark about which is the right choice, the real difficulty lies not so much in not being able to understand it, but in the fact of not having the strength to search within oneself for the right answer, for fear of then having to translate into actions what could possibly be easily understood.
There are also situations in which the right answer may not necessarily be a clear "yes" or "no" but a "it depends on the circumstances". Like the personal example I shared with you: I chose from time to time when to offer my aunt my presence and me hers and when instead to let her not lose the habit of being alone.
The only way to be able to hear the voice of the right choice is this: put yourself in a position to be able to understand and freely choose how to respond to the requests (sometimes silent needs) of others.
First of all by training yourself to evaluate and choose.
If you've gotten used to yourself and others over time to say yes almost always, chances are you've lost touch with your deepest needs and haven't trained your decision-making muscle enough.
But which is always there, even if a little out of practice 😉
I was reflecting this morning on the fact that since childhood we have been so used to associating the "right thing" with the approval of others that automatism may have formed in your mind as well: if others (especially those closest to you ) disapprove of you or are unhappy with your work, you are doing something wrong.
First of all start a questioning this combination: approval of others = I am doing well.
Ask yourself, whenever you find yourself undecided when faced with a choice: "for me what is the right choice? Not only towards me but also towards the other person? Am I really acting with love and for love, not to please her now, but to do her good also in the medium and long term? "
I share some ideas of what the right thing is not.
- The most comfortable one, because it saves you from hassle and fatigue
- The one that would earn you the approval of others, which you think you need to feel good
- The one that, even if dictated by love, will tend to create dependence on you in a particularly fragile person
- The one that makes you cancel to always put the needs of others in front of everything (why would you be doing this? 😉 and really over time this would not wear out yourself and the relationship with that person?)
Finally, the right thing is not to give everything to one or a few people while excluding the others.
A question that could be very helpful for you to understand your deepest intentions is: "If I were in the condition of this person, what would it really do me good to receive?"
Here, that's the "right thing" 🙂