Last update: February 10, 2017
What a ridiculous truth! It seems so impossible that the idea itself doesn't hold up. Never see you again, don't hug yourself anymore, never listen to the ringtone I put on your phone for you. No longer being enveloped by your smell or by your way of placing that order that only you understood, where you passed. To think that before it was enough for me to listen to that ringtone to smile.
My hands are shaking, my legs can't hold me, my heart utters a moan that drowns in an empty beat, the ground gives way, the air has become heavy, my lungs are empty, I no longer feel the air shaking the edges of my shirt, the words get stuck in my stomach. I can't scream, not even run away. I stand still, like the rest of the world, frozen.
I close my eyes, the first memory appears, which I chase away with a slap. The anxiety to create others arises, I embrace this need like someone who gets on a cable car whose path ends in the middle of the precipice and knows it. In my mind comes the idea of waking up from this sleep into which I have fallen without wanting to, to take a step and fall.
The chills continue and the stones fall into the backpack that I have on my shoulders. The braces are taut and so are my muscles. The knees give out and before I know it, I'm on the ground. I bow my head and wait for the pain to come. Come on, come, take me with you, destroy me. How ridiculous this idea of never seeing you again seems.
The palms of the hands sink little by little, the nails penetrate the muddy sand due to the rain which, knowing being attached, impregnates the knuckles so as not to perish strangled. My elbows bend and touch the ground, my fists close and the water works its way through my fingers. My eyes open again and see only the darkness that I have formed with my body, in which I have locked up the ridiculous idea of never seeing you again.
Anna approaches, I notice her steps. I want to push her away and I do nothing but tense my body more and more. I narrow my eyes, because now it is my tears that wet the earth. Somewhere an order appears in my head: go away, get away. It is a very distant place, because Anna does not listen to it and squeezes me, squeezes me tightly, with the strength with which only a five - year - old girl can squeeze.
It's ridiculous to think never to see you again
The need to protect our daughter clashes with this idea of never seeing you again. In the end I surrender to his embrace, I do it unconsciously. Her embrace loses strength, I let myself fall on one side of her and she falls on me. Free this ridiculous idea, never to see you again, and now it is I who hold it with the strength that all the years you spent next to me have given me; as the pain begins to be so great that the brain reveals itself and begins to numb me.
It's a morphine that goes into my throat, I notice it because it drowns me and doesn't make me breathe.
What the heck can she know, poor baby. Her living image. I'm happy for her, because she still has faith, because the idea of her seems even more ridiculous to her than it does to me. She is there, challenging the future without having the slightest idea of the pain that will come. For a few moments I cling to her ignorance and the lie that makes the air less dense, the water colder.
I know that when I get up, that ridiculous idea will condemn us to be united forever, with a bond that goes beyond genetics. I get up, take her in my arms and walk slowly. The first steps of a long journey that I still cannot conceive; one part of me continues to wait for the pain to come, another caresses that little salty face that is part of the immense legacy that you have entrusted to me.
I lay her on your side of the bed, give her your pillow. She lets your delicate touch embrace her. I look at her and sing her a lullaby that continues to sound very far for me. However, I think she listens to her, because with her hands she catches one of mine and caresses the ripples left by the water, before finally falling asleep.