The people I love hurt me

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Louise Hay
@louisehay
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The people I love hurt me

Sometimes it happens to wonder why the people we love the most and appreciate the most end up hurting us. Is there an explanation? There are actually several factors that we should take into account. We talk about it in this article.

Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.

Last update: 15 November 2022

There is a type of cold that goes through the skin and affects the feelings, our deepest being. It is the chill inflicted by those who do not consider us, by those who neglect us, by those who always have a rude word for us or are ready to do something unpredictable and painful. Why do the people I love hurt me? While this question may surprise us, it happens to be asked in the course of one's life.



British poet George Granville used to say that there is no pain more devastating than that caused by love and, in a sense, he was quite right, because people invest a lot of emotional energy in bonding. They need that daily support, because affection gives roots, creates bonds and weaves the web of that trust that gives us security and courage in our relationships.

Thus, the fact that this universe of emotions and affections crumbles hurts as much, if not more than, a physical injury. Is it not that perhaps we expect too much from the people we care about and who are part of our closest circle? More than one person could say that we are sinful of naivety. Still, there is a fundamental aspect that is good to understand.

Any social and emotional relationship is the result of an unwritten pact on the basis of which one does not expect to be attacked by the other. This principle applies to family relationships, between parents and children, between siblings. It is also expected that our partner will not cheat on us and behave in a way that inflicts pain on us. The same goes for those people whom we consider life companions, friends of the heart. Let's find out more about this topic.



Why do the people I love hurt me?

Manuel Hernández Pacheco, psychologist and biologist at the University of Malaga, published in 2022 a book entitled ¿Por qué la gente a la que quiero me hace daño? (Why do the people I love hurt me?). The text addresses the topic from a neurological point of view, focusing on the concept of attachment, in particular, on the adolescent population.

As social beings, we need meaningful connections and healthy reference figures to feel good, to be less stressed and to feel part of a group. All this is fundamental in two very delicate stages of the life cycle: childhood and adolescence.

This is why the child who feels rejected and who wonders why the people he loves hurt him will experience profound psychological pain to the point of causing trauma. Doctor Pacheco also tries to give an answer to why people, while establishing toxic relationships, are unable to get out of that vicious circle so devastating for self-esteem.

All these realities are not known. Yet, beyond the effect caused by this pain, in the very act of being hurt by those we esteem, be it our parents, our partner or our friends, lies why. Let's see what it is. 

There are those who think that everything is lawful in love

Some people think that in matters of affection everything is legitimate, that there are no limits or consequences. They are those figures who take it for granted that whatever they do they will be forgiven; they think that the mere fact of being a member of the family or couple justifies any action.


An example is given by that friend who tells our confidences around, believing that we will not be angry anyway. But also that partner who makes decisions lightly, without taking us into consideration.


They do this because they assume that whatever they decide, we will give our approval, which we will trust with our eyes closed. They forget that love has conditions that affection deserves respect and daily care. 

Why do the people I love hurt me? Because they do not notice the pain they cause and do not know the tolerance levels of others

To answer the question "why do the people I love hurt me?" we must also ask ourselves something else: are these people aware that they have inflicted suffering on us? This is no small matter. Some people do or say something without taking into account the consequences it may have on others, undoubtedly a big problem.

An example is that of a parent who always brags about the successes of one child while neglecting the other. He does it unconsciously, without taking into account the effect this action can have.

On the other hand, if we ourselves are the first to limit ourselves or if we do not notice that we cannot tolerate something or that that something causes us pain, others will most likely repeat the action regularly, unaware that they are responsible for our pain.


What if the problem was mine? When expecting too much of others goes against us

As we said, in any social relationship there is an implicit pact that states that neither of us should hurt the other. This is also a basic principle of coexistence and respect.

Now if every two by three we ask ourselves why the people we love hurt us, and if we always feel hurt, the problem could be ours. 

  • Relationships based on co-dependence, for example, drag us into a vicious circle where pain and need go hand in hand. The person knows that that relationship causes suffering; however, he is dependent on the other and feels the need to stay by her side.
  • Another cause we almost always feel hurt in relationships is low self-esteem. We need a lot of care, we want to receive from others attention, love and the confirmations that we ourselves do not give ourselves first. And this is an inexhaustible source of pain, because we never feel satisfied, nothing is ever enough.

People I Love Hurt Me: Why Does This Happen?

In conclusion, if we often ask ourselves: “Why do the people I love hurt me?”, Perhaps we should consider several hypotheses. The first is to ask yourself if those relationships are so valuable. The second is to invest in one's self-esteem and in one's idea of ​​oneself. Let us never let ourselves go to a love that hurts, we must never neglect the affection towards ourselves.


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