The partner does not confide, why?

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Louise Hay

The partner does not confide, why?

"Nothing happens to me. Leave me alone." When the partner reacts in this way and excludes us, it opens a breach in the relationship. What can we do?

Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.

Last update: July 26, 2022

The partner does not confide, keeps everything to himself and does not explain anything. There are many people who complain about this in their emotional relationship. This is a fairly common phenomenon that usually causes arguments, friction, annoyance and often even distance. Not everyone can (or want to) master communication.

There are those who call these "armored people". Personalities who build impenetrable armor around , preventing anyone and anything from going beyond it. Defensive reactions are often added to this isolation cortex.

Faced with any attempt to approach through phrases such as "what do you think?" or “what worries you?”, the only thing you always get is the anger and the discomfort of the other. As we accumulate experiences of this type, the bond undergoes cracks and becomes a source of suffering.

Because when communication fails, trust falls apart and without this pillar the relationship loses intimacy and meaning. A very important problem that is worth investigating.

Why the partner does not confide

“Nothing happens to me. Leave me alone". This is perhaps the most usual reaction we get when we try to get closer to our partner in those moments when, for whatever reason, he seems more worried than usual. This attitude is experienced with disorientation and above all suffering.

One of the foundations for a happy relationship is a healthy one communication. However, when we fall in love with someone, it is very difficult to have the "complete package". It's not that easy for your loved one to have excellent skills in emotional intelligence, empathy, understanding and communication.

But ... what is it due to? Because there are people who are reluctant to share their concerns with their partner and emotional universes?  

Personalities who live on the defensive

One of John Gottman's most valued theories is the one that refers to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. In more than forty years of work, he and his team studied more than 3000 couples.

Starting from this work, it was concluded that one of the biggest problems in a relationship is defensive communication.

Cutting the ways of communication, closing or, even worse, reacting with contempt in front of the concern of the other is an obstacle to the social adaptation of the person. But why do we behave like this?

Behind self-defense lies insecurity, as it is assumed that the other person cannot understand their reality. In many cases, accumulated frustration can arise e inner realities not addressed.

Fear of vulnerability, showing emotions makes me feel weak

Why doesn't my partner tell me about his concerns? He may also be afraid of showing himself vulnerable. Today, the relationship between vulnerability and fragility goes unnoticed in social thought.

The partner may have the feeling that talking about his own anxieties strips him and leaves him helpless in the face of a possible attack, now or in the future.

The partner does not confide: poor education in emotional and communicative matters

In most cases, the problems of communication have their roots in childhood. The family fabric is what nourishes us in certain life skills such as managing emotions, trust, empathy and communication skills.

So, if you grow up in an environment where emotional needs are not taken care of or where you don't build any kind of attachment between parents and children, you often carry a lot of gaps into adulthood.

It becomes difficult to share your thoughts and needs with others adulthood, when no one allowed them to us in our childhood.

Lack of trust: the feeling that the other will not understand them

Another factor that holds my partner from telling me his concerns may be due to another reality that is quite problematic. He may take it for granted that I will not understand his internal reality. 

It is possible that he assumes that I will not be able to tune in to what is happening to him. On the other hand, we cannot even leave another fact aside, namely the lack of trust in us.

How to make the partner open up more?

If the defensive climate, lack of trust and communication difficulties prevail in a couple relationship, cracks open that often cannot be closed.

First of all, you have to take into consideration the fact that communicating is not just maintaining everyday conversations. A relationship is not based on immanent dialogue, on talking about the weather, the series we see and other superficial topics.

Communicating is also deepening your emotions, concerns and needs. It is opening ourselves to the other in an authentic way to help us, understand and share. This is more than a pillar, it is an indisputable psychological key point. So what to do if this does not happen?

The partner does not confide, what can be done?

At the University of Florida, Dr. Victor Harris has carried out a study to draw up strategies to improve communication in the couple.

Of course, we can also say that "the problem is the other", but it is important to remember that in the face of any disagreement we must work together. Let's see what strategies we could adopt:

  • We avoid putting pressure. We clearly tell our partner that we are there if you need it, we are there for him or her at any time and if you wish. We want to help, understand and accompany. Love is sharing, it is not judgment or criticism.
  • It is good to let people know than communicate the worry does not mean showing any kind of weakness. Sharing thoughts with the loved one is a psychological value that enriches and strengthens the bond. Hermeticism weakens it and comes to destroy it.
  • We will look for the moment where the other person is more relaxed and receptive. In these moments, it is good to start a conversation in which we will avoid direct questions.
  • This could be an example to follow: “I've noticed you seem more worried lately. I think there is something bothering you and you know you can tell me whenever you want. I love you and I'm with you if you like ”.

To conclude, it is certain that these situations are complicated and in some cases, our efforts are in vain. We become aware of the fact that communication in the couple relationship is the gear that makes everything work. We improve this competence of life and well-being.

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