Have you heard of the no contact principle, no contact rule, or zero contact to win back the ex after being broken up? Are you wondering if it really works and if it is applicable in your specific case?
In this article we will see what it is, how long it must last, the psychology behind this technique, and the advantages it can provide to those who choose to adopt it in their own path of reconquest. I will speak in the feminine, but in reality the explanation will be useful whether you want to win back your man, or if you want to win back your woman.
But let's go in order… your ex left you, and now you feel awful. You would be tempted to write to him all the time and press, because inside you have the impression that everything is at stake these days. You hope to be able to convince him rationally or with great demonstrations of love that should come back with you, and at the same time you are afraid that by letting go in this phase he will forget about you forever or get up with a new partner.
Besides that you miss him, you're really bad, you do not want to give up writing to him because he is the only medicine for your pain, and when he is not there you feel a huge emptiness.
You see? I more or less know how you feel… I've been there too. However keeping in touch with the ex at this stage is the most harmful thing you can do, and soon we'll see why.
We are ready to talk about the no contact technique, but I want to invite you to take a quick test first to find out if you have any real chances of winning it back.
It only takes 2 minutes to complete - you will have to answer 15 simple questions on your situation with your ex, and instantly get a percentage representing your chances of winning back. The no contact principle works great if you score above 60%. Test here.
No contact principle: what is it?
The no-contact principle, or no-contact rule, is to cease any kind of relationship and correspondence with the ex, for a specified period of time that begins immediately after being left.
It is not about severing relationships in a clear and blatant way, blocking the other person on social networks or insulting them. Instead, the goal is to disappear for a while, to leave the scene elegantly and without making noise. So here it is how to apply zero contact. Avoid:
- send him messages or sms;
- send him letters or emails;
- call him on the phone;
- wish him well;
- meet him casually;
- have friends contact you;
- post direct to him;
- comment on his photos or posts;
In short, anything that comes to mind that could be interpreted as an attempt to get close to him / her or to directly attract his attention, according to the principle of no contact you can not do this.
How long does non-contact have to last?
Now I want to answer one of the most frequently asked questions when it comes to reconquest: what is the duration of no contact?
Ideally, the recommended period is 3 settimane, but I have found that in many cases it is useful to wait longer, which is 2 full months, or even 3 months.
It is not possible to give an answer that is valid for everyone, since every situation is unique and must therefore be treated differently.
A very important first indication to understand how long the no-contact period should last in your case, you will receive by calculating your chances of winning back through this online quiz.
By leaving your email at the end of the test you will also have the opportunity to access a daily email path, through which I will help you to face this delicate phase of your life in the best possible way. Test here
Now let's see why the no-contact principle is so important, and why it works so well to win back your ex, or at least dramatically increase your chances of winning back.
Principle of no contact: psychology
Psychology provides us with a very important general principle, which we must always keep in mind:
Human beings, when they understand that a person is too involved with them, they tend to feel too in control and lose their involvement.
Most likely the reason for the end of your relationship is due to this: lately the ex has been feeling a lot in control of the situation, he clearly saw your involvement, and as a result he began to lose his interest and withdraw from you.
If you now continue to follow that script, showing your involvement and showing that recovering this relationship is essential for you, you will only give to the ex. even more power and make him move further away.
To win him back the only thing you can do is move away in turn: this attitude will intrigue him, it will push him to try to understand if he still has control over you or not. He will get involved in a game that this time around it will be you to have the knife on the side of the handle.
But be careful! You don't have to walk away in anger, resentment, making a scene or exaggerated gestures - this way you will only confirm to the ex that he has enormous power over you. For this I repeat the rule:
Exit the scene elegantly and quietly.
PS In reality, the no contact rule is not only useful in the event of a loss of interest from the ex. As I explain in my ebook, it can be a winning move even when your ex broke up with you because you hurt, oppressed, or cheated on him.
No contact rule: all the benefits
Balancing the psychological dynamics that lead to involvement or de-involvement between the two of you is not the only benefit of the no contact principle.
Another fundamental reason why you will want to apply the pnc is that you really need to give your brain and heart a period of detoxification from this relationship, and try to live without your ex for a moment, if possible returning to find your happiness on your own.
You can also take advantage of this period to think deeply about the reasons why your relationship has ended, and understand what to do to solve any problems that depend on you, questioning yourself with humility.
Remember: you are not the victim. It makes no sense to think that the end of your story is an injustice. Things just didn't work out, and now if you want to get your ex back you have to roll up your sleeves and figure out what was wrong!
What to do if the ex contacts me during the pnc?
If the ex gets back to you by texting you, calling you or using any other means, you will have your big chance to show him that is no longer in control of the situation!
Therefore, be committed, calm, relaxed and slightly disinterested. Show that you have already moved on, that your life is full of novelty and new people. However, you absolutely must not behave in an unpleasant way: the key in this case is to show that the ex no longer has control over your relationship, nor over your emotional state.
The principle of limited contact
In some cases it will be physically impossible to apply no contact: for example if you and the ex partner work together, or have other common obligations that force you to interact regularly.
Let's say you were separated with children. In this situation it would be unthinkable to break off any form of relationship with the ex for one or two months, and then suddenly reappear as if nothing had happened. Instead, you should hear from each other regularly at least for all matters related to the education, well-being and needs of your children, while eliminating all unnecessary forms of communication.
This is called the limited contact principle, and I talk about it in depth in chapter 6 of the ebook. In particular, I explain how to readjust the pnc in all the following situations:
- you are separated with children;
- work or study together;
- you are separated at home;
- you still live together but he or she is leaving you.
Zero contact: what to do next?
To win back the ex it is not enough to apply the principle of no contact. The latter must in fact be inserted into a larger one reconquest plan, which includes techniques for rebuilding the lost attraction and understanding, and which takes into account the unique situation you are starting from.
Good luck on your reconquest path!