Overcoming a separation: when forgetting seems impossible

Overcoming a separation: when forgetting seems impossible

Forgetting a person is not easy at all, especially when the breakup does not depend on us. In this article we will talk about the reasons that lead some people to remain tied to the ghost of their relationship.

Overcoming a separation: when forgetting seems impossible

Last update: June 06, 2022

Getting over a breakup isn't easy at all. Not being able to forget the ex, however, does not translate into the image of a person lying on the bed with a blank stare and eyes eternally red from crying.

Even those who can't forget their ex continue to lead their lives: they work, go about their business, go out, read and everything, in a sense, seems to work, but always carries the burden of separation.

The memory of the person who cannot forget, of his company that he still desires, even though they may both have a new partner. That name that resounds in the silences, in the nights when its absence manifests itself, in that we will no longer be together that feeds thoughts such as "if I had ...", the memory of things done together, the desire for tender moments or the annoyance at the memory of quarrels.

The worst part is that this feeling is very difficult to share, also because friends sooner or later get tired of putting up with the usual conversations on the same topic ... until they come to hate the same ex. This is why getting over a breakup can really become difficult. But how can you forget someone you have loved so much?

Overcoming a separation: the shadow of the ghost

In a therapist's office, people's lives flow, and when dealing with emotions it is inevitable to collide with their conflicting aspects. In matters of love, both the noblest feelings and the most sordid passions are manifested; the whole moves in a multiplicity of situations that can also generate attachment towards the ex-partner after the separation.

Of course (or maybe not?), It is not always love that generates this attachment, since being in love is not the same as being attached, bound, trapped, stuck or stuck, between the various types of bond.

When a person requests a consultation of this type, they appear desperate, because they do not know how to overcome the separation by forgetting the other. And this leads her to wonder: "how can you live in the shadow of a ghost?».

Some come to the session with the aim of freeing themselves from the mental brooding that haunts them all the time. At the other pole, there are those who go to the psychologist in search of a formula to recover the relationship. The latter have unsuccessfully turned to tarot cards, magicians, seers and even lit candles of all colors and engaged in various esoteric rites.

If the secret purpose of undertaking therapeutic work is to find a way to stay with the desired person, therapy is likely to fail.

Of course, when it comes to human vicissitudes it is impossible to apply general logic or logic itself. Among the many reasons that make a separation difficult is the idealization of the lost person.

The idealization

We tend to forget the negative aspects that led to the separation, while only those we loved are remembered. Moreover, these aspects are exalted to the point of creating a sort of demigod.

And over time, this idealization grows stronger to the point of making it unbearable not to be with that person anymore.

  • There are former manipulators who create a certain level of addiction in the other, who play with guilt and keep the flame of the bond burning.
  • Indecisive and ambivalent people who generate expectations in the other, even though they are already with another person.
  • Still others find it difficult to process separations and they feel sadness without being able, over time, to cope with the separation.
  • Finally, there are those who play to be happy and he immediately engages in compulsive encounters, sporadic stories, they change their outward appearance, etc. Committed to these changes, they will mourn lost love only the following year.

First of all, it is necessary to consider the fact that in love we do not love the other in his totality, but only some of his aspects that for values, beliefs, tastes, etc. they make us want to be in a relationship together.

How do you think about him / her after all that has happened!

The bond of attachment is irrational, that is, it resists all logic. Regardless of whether the separation may have been the most consistent decision, the ex becomes the center of thoughts to the point of not being able to talk about their feelings with others. The latter do not fail to remind us how much we suffered from that relationship. Words we refuse to hear.

Thus, friends and family become the ones responsible for awakening those memories, and the person falls silent in front of them; or worse still, he gets angry and questions the position they have adopted. And this is how she launches into new friendships to release the tensions linked to his memories, preventing herself from forgetting.

The ghost of the ex constantly reappears, until it becomes a constant presence. Thus, the person focuses all his attention on him, impoverishing all other activities. Furthermore, mental rumination with its obsessive thoughts leads to a tremendous psychic effort.

What repercussions does all this have on the psyche?

The person becomes stressed, distressed and full of anxiety. It is full of repetitive thoughts, and in some cases symptoms such as compulsive smoking and even panic or anxiety attacks can occur, as well as a decline in self-esteem.

The obsessive focus on the ex prevents you from forgetting and directing your gaze to other possible relationships. There seems to be no other person in the world but the lost one.

In some cases, the left person engages in persecution against the other; through WhatsApp, a phone call, an e-mail or even follow it everywhere. He becomes a kind of detective who investigates everything the other does, while elaborating theories about his behavior and feelings.

It is a rather unpleasant situation for both one and the other, since one remains attached to the other, while the other tries to free itself to have its spaces.

How can you forget and get over a relationship?

Once the ghost of the other settles, it becomes part of everyday life. This is why it is rather difficult to eradicate it from thoughts, just as it is difficult to change the habits of those who search and investigate continuously. The ghost becomes one of the family, one more member of the family system impossible to forget.

One of the ways to make this emotional baggage lighter is to understand, and if possible accept, the sick game triggered by the other and of which one can be accomplices if they don't set limits.

It is also necessary to be clear whether the person who left created any expectations or held a door open to possible contact. For example, when instead of saying "no", you say "ni"; if he stays tied to the game to see his ex-partner beg for his return or if he imposes limits out of anger, which generates further confusion and complications.

In all cases, stagnant interactions that do not produce any change should be avoided. The person left behind must put an end to the nagging approach so that the other can feel free, and consequently can free herself too.

One must learn to bear sadness, accept loss and be alone; and above all, increase self-worth to become stronger and more solid.

Overcoming a separation: conclusions

In terms of love and separation, there are no pre-established formulasEven if characteristics can be found that are repeated in many people, in the end the solutions are always individual.

We will never really know why we fall in love or why we break up; we limit ourselves to making rational and explanatory hypotheses that help us survive these states.

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