Learning to love: the art of being happy

Who I am
Robert Maurer
@robertmaurer
SOURCES CONSULTED:

wikipedia.org

Author and references

Learn to love it is the most important lesson of your life.

Can I teach you how to love? I do not believe.

What I can do is share with you what I have learned about love:

  1. Because I didn't know how to love but I didn't realize it.
  2. You love if you understand others, if you don't understand this you don't know how to love.
  3. Respect is not what you think it is.
  4. Sharing is love, but social networks are not the focus!
  5. You love only when you have a real interest.
  6. Do you want to know if you can love? Here is the ultimate test.

Let's start? good 😉



 

Learning to love: 5 actions that will change your life

One of the best books I've ever read on this subject was written by Leo Buscaglia, and it's called Love.

I begin by suggesting it because I think it is truly a valuable reading.

The first step is understand love better.

And to do that you have to answer the questions in my test. A couple of minutes to understand how you love, at what level are you capable of doing it.

When you want to learn something, it's always best to start with one evaluation of what you are capable of doing now. And these answers will be invaluable as you read my advice.

It will allow you to understand if in this moment of your life you have the ability to truly love (especially who you say you love).



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A few years ago I didn't know how to love.

Of course, it's not that I realized it, or that I thought "I can't love“, But in fact things were just like that.

I had friends, relationships, an even more intense social life than today, but only at a certain point I realized that I didn't really love none of these people.


The goal of this practical guide is to give you ideas, exercises, ideas to act with love.

Learning to love means learning to live with love, in any situation.

First I show you a very short video, but it explains you the principles on which love is founded.

Look at it carefully, because it is essential to learn to love.

I haven't found anything like it around, so I wanted to give you very practical tips, which you can put into action as soon as you read them, to immediately start changing your life.

Understanding what it means to love opens your eyes, and can be scary.

When I started sharing my experience, I remember a phrase that a lady with whom I spoke often said to me: at a certain point I asked myself: but I have never loved, I don't know how to love!

As Anthony De Mello suggests in his Message for an eagle who thinks himself a chicken, becoming aware of reality can scare us and make us think: either I'm crazy, or everyone else is!

In this guide I share what convinced me that they are all crazy.

Love is something else than what we usually think. True love is unconditional.

The rest, as you saw in the video, is simply not love.


 

Are you a selfish person?

Answer the 7 questions in my selfishness test.


It will allow you to understand if (and to what extent) you are a selfish person.
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1. Understanding

We must first of all want to understand others.

I think that the first step is always to understand what a word means: I open the dictionary or look for understanding on Google and the inevitable wikipedia appears.

Understanding means understand what others feel.

It is not enough to know in theory what we are talking about.

Understand someone when you know what it means be that person, have those emotions or be in those difficulties.

It is not easy, indeed it is one of the most difficult things.

Often to understand it you have to experience the same difficulties, only then do you think "that's what it means!".

I don't think it is necessary to try every experience, the important thing is go out of your way to put yourself in others' shoes.

Imagine strongly, with honesty and identification of being them.

There are so many occasions when we should understand others:

  • Someone answers wrong e we don't understand fear, anxiety, anger that could try.
  • We see a dirty and unkempt bum and we don't understand how tiring it can be his life.
  • We see a physically ugly person, and we don't understand how special it can be or how much the sarcasm of others has suffered.
  • We see a Romanian man, and we don't understand how similar he is to us, how much maybe he suffers from the prejudices we have towards him.

Just as I write this guide, I have begun rereading a book by Dale Carnegie which I find wonderful.

How to treat others and make friends, although the title may be misleading, speaks of understanding.

I advise you to read it. Closed parenthesis!

Understanding means, neither more nor less, a very simple thing: identify with others, think you are them.

To put ourselves on the same level, to consider ourselves the same, although we are different.

  • Imagine how would you feel to live in the middle of a street, with nothing, nobody.
  • Imagine yourself in a country whose language you don't know well and where everyone treats you as if you were a thief, or a thief.
  • Think unsightly in appearance e imagine that everyone teases you, talks badly about you and isolates you.

Identifying yourself with others is a capacity that he trains, learns and grows with practice and commitment.

If you don't work on this basic aspect, you won't be able to act with love.

The more you place yourself at a distance from others, for any reason (nationality, work, religious or political vision, tastes), the less you will know how to love.

The first step to understanding is listening.

How can you understand and understand others if you have no way of knowing who they are, what they weigh, what emotions they feel or what fears they have?

Listen sincerely it is the secret of understanding, or at least the starting point.

Here is a simple exercise that could make a difference.

All day long remain silent.

Don't talk and say nothing, just listen.

While others are talking, however, focus on what they are saying, perhaps ask yourself these questions:

  • Why is he saying this?
  • What do you think in order to speak like this?
  • What fears or wishes he might have that push him, or push him, to talk like this?
  • What a thrill it might feel to have this attitude, this tone of voice?
  • What does he really care if he tells me what I feel?
  • What do you really want to tell me? What do you really mean?

These questions are just a starting point.

The important thing is that you remain silent, listen by concentrating on what you are told, what you hear.

Before answering, or giving an opinion if asked, make sure you understand.

How?

Repeat the gist of the other person's speech and ask if that's what he meant.

To help you in this process I want to recommend a guide in which I explain how to communicate effectively.

Without tricks, as always, why the secret of communication is always to act with love.

To love is not simply to make a gesture, but to do it with a very specific attitude, of openness, availability, without ulterior motives.

Read my in-depth study on unconditional love to understand what I'm talking about.

 

Does it make sense to continue your relationship as a couple?

Answer my test questions to find out.

It will allow you to understand if your relationship has the characteristics to last or not.

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2. Respect

 

In Erich Fromm's book, The art of loving, I found a beautiful definition of respect:

"[...] the ability to see a person as he is, to know his true individuality [...] to want the other person to grow and develop for who he is."

This is also a book that I recommend you read.

Now, how can we make this action of love strong?

How can we learn to love by acting with respect?

I found the answer in sincerity.

If you respect me you will be sincere, or sincere, with me.

On the other hand, would you like to receive lies and deceptions from a person who claims to love you?

Probably not, plus you might even question her love, if she lies, hides the truth from you, and isn't sincere with you.

What happens when you lie to others?

  • You do it for yourself, to avoid problems, discussions, so as not to alienate others. You say you want to protect them, but deep down you are protecting yourself, or yourself.
  • Make decisions for them. If you don't tell the truth, you act for them by making the decisions that belong to others. What if it happens to you? What if you can't choose your life for the lies of others?
  • You don't act with love. You may consider that person the most important in your life, but you don't love them when you don't tell the truth.

Obviously there is a way and a way to be honest and I am not inviting you to brutal sincerity.

Learning to love also involves the delicacy of not hurting the sensitivity of others, without ever taking the place of them in deciding their life.

Here's what you need to do: throughout the next week no lies.

You simply have to tell the truth, eliminate the excuses, the can't, the justifications with which you give others the responsibility for the choices and actions you make.

For example:

  • Don't you want to do a certain thing? Explain the real reason, no excuses or external justifications.
  • Do you find that a friend is wrong? Say it openly, to him, not to everyone. Do it in a gentle way, but don't hide your disappointment.
  • Do you have a problem or do you have it in multiple people? Admit it and get them involved to solve it. Do it right, without presenting it as a tragedy, but explain how things stand.

Earlier I suggested to you by law How to treat others and make friends with them.

You will find us many tips for doing just that exercise.

For 7 days, commit to completely eliminating the lies you usually interact with others.

Maybe it will be difficult at first but you will see that it will be liberating (lies weigh and tire you!) and above all you will find that the best relationships are founded on trust and sincerity.

On the other hand, didn't you think that learning to love is simple?


The story gives a good idea even if I do not share the philosophical and spiritual approach of the site.

But if something is done well, it must be said!

To help you work on your sincerity better, here is another exercise that will help you take on your responsibilities more easily.

We often tell lies not to take the burden of our decisions.

It seems like a way to protect us, but in fact it is destructive.

 

3. Sharing

So far you have started understand and listen others and stopped hiding the truth by respecting them.

Now it comes to learn to share who you are with them, and this is one of the most beautiful parts, but no less difficult.

Sharing means sharing what we are, our life, our path, with other people.

It doesn't mean making him do the things we like, but offer who we are, give the opportunity to build together.

Often it means doing something new, and doing it together. Where do we usually go wrong?

  • We want others to play our games.
  • We want others to play a certain role (established by us) in our life.
  • We usually expect others not to change our plans or rules.
  • We don't want to create together, we just want to have helpers and spectators.

Sharing is openness: I haven't decided yet what will happen when we are together, I do not impose rules on how it has to happen.

There is you and there is me, what we will do we build it together.

The key word is together. Here's what I mean:

  • I speak, you listen, then you speak and I listen. We dialogue without defending a position, to understand each other, to get to know each other.
  • We begin to have an experience together that is not common to either of us. I don't take you to do what I know, but let's learn together.
  • We share the things we love to do, without forcing ourselves to do them the way you or me like it. I love to write but we write together in a new way, not as I say.

Sharing without imposing our vision, our way of doing things, our habits is difficult.

But learning to love also means learning to share.

I immediately suggest a couple of things you could do today.

Obviously remember: sharing means offering, not imposing.

  1. Establish a full day a month, maybe a week is better, da dedicate exclusively to some people. Dedicate yourself to them: don't set the program, but build it together. Learn to create quality time with everyone's contribution.
  2. Transform a lunch, dinner or breakfast, on a good occasion to enter into sincere sharing with the people who share their life with you. Eliminate any distractions technological and non-technological and create your space together, to get to know and understand each other.
  3. Find at least an hour each day to devote exclusively to a person to talk, or to do something together. It would be perfect if it were something new for both of us, which is a challenge to be faced with four hands without one guiding the other, but working in harmony.

Obviously take a cue from these ideas, put them into practice immediately and then invents new approaches and ways, creates opportunities to share your journey with others.

I leave you just a couple of tips to get it right and make the most of this step.

  • Now decide what to do, what an opportunity to create yourself, with whom and when. Write it down and get involved right away this person, or these people, with your idea or proposal.
  • Stay flexible: they must not do as you say. The goal is not to do this or that in a certain way, but sharing time, experience and life together. Do not forget.
  • Don't force sharing. Some don't care? That's fine. Listen to the reasons, understand them and respect them. Learning to love is a process in which each passage we see together remains linked to all the others.

Sharing doesn't end with loved ones or those you know closely.

When I shared my experiences and ideas about unconditional love, I discovered a really beautiful video.

Check it out now, it might give you some great ideas for more, and better, sharing.

 

4. sincere interest

What does it mean to have a sincere interest in others?

I realized, on myself first but then also on the people I have talked to in recent years, that we can have two kinds of interest in others:

  • I am interested in you because it suits me, I get something from our relationship and therefore I gain in well-being, happiness, self-esteem, serenity, love.
  • I am interested in you because I want you to be happy.

Easy no?

Having a sincere interest means, above all, desire the happiness of others.

Apparently it seems easy, but we are capable of wanting their happiness if it is an obstacle to ours?

We have the strength, the freedom, the awareness for love others without asking for anything in return?

  • If the one you love, your partner, was happy leaving you, you would be happy with that?
  • If your child takes the path that you consider the wrong one, you would be happy to see him rejoice of his choice?
  • Could you be happy with the happiness of friends who to make their dreams come true they abandoned and rejected you?

Learning to love means learning to have a sincere interest in others, even if the way they live their lives it does not coincide with our wishes, our tastes or our expectations.

It means learning to want their happiness regardless of how they act towards us, to want their joy even if they will never do as we would like.

Hard. Very hard. But possible.

I suggest you read the study I dedicated to happiness, to understand how this is possible.

Here is a very effective exercise that allowed me to go where I could not even have imagined.

It worked great for me. Now it's your turn.

  • Spend time thinking about one person that he does not behave as you would like, with whom you sometimes quarrel, with whom he has to say.
  • Imagine it in your own weaknesses: do you have doubts at times? Are you afraid? Are you afraid of the judgment of others? Imagine her living and feeling the same things.
  • Think about the reasons for your mistakes. In good faith no doubt, maybe because you were in a hurry, you didn't think about all the consequences, or you couldn't expect certain situations. Associate the same justifications with this person's mistakes as well.
  • Do you have dreams, right? You would like to achieve certain results, live a happy life, maybe improve yourself in something. Imagine that she also cultivates your same goals, your same aspirations.

The more you create the image of others in your mind like people like you, the easier it will be to relate to having an interest in their happiness.

Remember that rude, aggressive, disrespectful behavior of others they are always due to good reasons.

It is not a question of justifying them, but of understanding them.

I want to avoid being misunderstood. This has often happened to me in the past.

When I say that people have good reasons to treat you badly, I mean that they do it because they think it's the right thing.

It goes without saying that they often understand that you take harm, but from their point of view, they have no choice.

We all want to be well, and when we think we need to make choices that are harmful to others, we will often do them.

The speech is complex. You have to learn to be aware of the fears and limitations that influence the choices of others.

We often feel compelled to make some that in our eyes are the only possible way.

It becomes essential to learn to understand how each person tries, for better or for worse, to achieve happiness.

I invite you to always focus on what you do and not on what others are doing.

Soon, when we talk about forgiveness, you will see it better.

However, I advise you to carefully read all the resources on the site.

To learn to love it is not enough to make certain behaviors yours, it must be there a transformation in your way of life.

This takes time, effort and awareness.

We were left at the point where I explain to you that others must always be understood, even when they are wrong.

When others, for us, become monsters because of their actions and their mistakes, we stop loving.

The problem is that learning to love is not a subjective matter, not it is others who lead you to love them, it is you who choose it.

Here is another useful exercise.

  • Think of a person who is close to you, who loves and loves you, on whom you rely.
  • Imagine that to be happy she takes a different path, that leads her away from you. Imagine his joy, focus on his happiness.
  • Think about how you could live without his presence, how to best use your time, a how to continue to be happy even without it.
  • Imagine your strength in letting her be free to make her own choices and happy. And imagine yourself happy that you knew how to love beyond your personal interests.

The mistake we make the most is to make our happiness depend on something or someone.

Nobody can make you happy. None, I repeat.

This second exercise is just meant to help you understand that your happiness depends on you.

The more you can accept that others are happy in their own way, the more you learn how to be happy, without depending on the world around you, the more you will learn to love and you will be happy.

Now we have reached the last step, the most difficult one.

 

5. Forgive

Forgiveness is the highest point on the ladder we are climbing.

Forgiveness is at the same time an act, a choice and even a test love.

I think that forgiveness is the confirmation that we are capable of loving. Obviously if the forgiveness is sincere.

  • If you only forgive those who repent, it means that you only love those who behave well with you.
  • If you demand something in exchange for forgiveness, it is no longer a gesture of love, but an exchange.
  • If you do not forgive, it is because you are afraid of suffering, that forgiveness means ignoring anything.

Honestly, a guide on forgiveness would be even more demanding and longer than this, so it is really impossible for me to explain to you in twenty lines how to forgive.

I wrote an in-depth study entirely dedicated to forgiveness.

I think it is essential to read it bearing in mind that it is a path, a gradual process.

 

Discover the 5 Steps to Living INTENSIVELY a life Full of Emotions and Find You Well and in Balance in Every Situation (without Feeling Bad anymore) Training Your "Emotional Independence”, Even If You Don't Believe That Things Enough May they Be Different ...

... If You Don't Trust Yours Capacity or Yours Character It Doesn't Help You!

 

How to love: conclusions

I have learned that not you never stop learning to love.

This guide is just a starting point, a starting point to begin to understand that life is a wonderful thing if we face it by loving.

My personal experience and that of the people I shared it with tell me that it is not easy, but possible.

You will become a whitefly, but you will be happy.

Having said that I really recommend you to practice every exercise, here are some final ideas to start your journey.

  • Open your eyes, develop an awareness that allows you to live a happy life.
  • Learn to manage your emotions and prefer the positive ones to the negative ones that paralyze you.
  • Start believing in yourself, in your qualities, in who you are, in short, find out what self-esteem is.
  • Take back control of your life by discovering what freedom is and how to get it.
  • Don't think that reality is only what you see: spirituality is perhaps the most important aspect of your existence

As you have noticed I have linked each point to a resource that you find on the site, and it is always about completely free resources, practical guides or insights that are.

Take advantage of them all, of course, and ask me for a hand, a comparison or a clarification whenever you want.

Leave a comment anywhere, and I'll get back to you.

At this point we are done, and you are ready, or ready, to live a better, happy life.

Learning to love will make a difference. Wanting to learn is already doing it.

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