Is it necessary to forgive?

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Robert Maurer
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Is it necessary to forgive?

Last update: July 07, 2015

Does that person who hurt you so deeply deserve to be forgiven? No doubt, you have asked yourself this question more than once. Probably, if it is a person belonging to your circle of closest people, you will have reflected even more on his forgiveness.

There is another fundamental question in this regard: Does forgiving mean being reconciled with this person? It is possible that you have decided to forgive her for not feeling a grudge, a poison that does everything but good, but that does not mean that you have to become friends as before, stay married, visit each other at each other's house, etc.



When we are betrayed in some way, it is difficult for the relationship to continue as if nothing had happened. Let's try to imagine our trust as a glass cup that falls to the floor and ends up in a thousand pieces: can it ever return to the way it was before if we glue the fragments? Obviously not.

Remember that, when you forgive someone for their mistakes, you are, at the same time, forgiving yourself. This means that, by forgiving, you release yourself from the pain, toxic emotions and negative feelings that haunt your inner self. This is an important step.

But it is not enough to say "I forgive you" if in reality you do not hear it: when you say these two words so meaningful and full of value, you need to be aware and sincere.

Forgiveness may be the beginning of a reconciliation or it may not be, it is not an obligatory step: it is possible to forgive and then everyone goes his own way; in this case the path forks, because, in addition to having decided to forgive, it was also decided to leave the relationship.



Forgiveness does not arise overnight, it is a process that must be completed over time. It may happen to think that you have forgiven someone for what they have done and then feel sadness, anger and nervousness every time you remember the facts that generated the fight: this means that you have not forgiven 100%.

As Miguel Ruiz argues in his book "The Four Chords", forgiveness is the only way to close a wound: you will realize that you have forgiven someone when you see them or remember them without feeling any negative emotions.

Forgiveness can be compared to the healing of a wound we made on our hand while cutting an apple: when the wound is still open, it will hurt us as soon as we touch it or simply brush it with clothes or some other object. Once the skin has regenerated, a scar or a part of lighter skin will remain: passing a finger over it will not cause us pain. In practice, we will understand that we have truly forgiven someone when the memory of the situation no longer hurts us that had hurt and offended us.

Take note of this beautiful phrase about the consequences of not knowing how to forgive: "Not forgiving is like picking up a burning ember with the intention of throwing it at another person: you will be the first to get burned".

Another important reason to forgive is to remember that forgiveness is a way to heal oneself and to avoid suffering more than you have already done.


How, when and why to forgive? This varies from person to person, it depends on individual experience. There is no rule or magic formula that says, for example, "if your partner has cheated on you, you have to wait two weeks to forgive".



You yourself will realize that you have forgiven or that you need additional time and reflection to do so. In certain cases, time alone will take care of healing the wounds; there is no doubt about this: often, the passing of the years is the best ingredient to heal wounds to the heart.

To forgive or not is a personal decision which will have repercussions on all of life: both on the present and on the future. It is obvious that some betrayals are more difficult to forgive than others, but it is also true that man is not a perfect being and that everyone can be wrong. This does not mean justifying the person who betrayed us, but being less rigid and hard on him, who will surely feel guilty for what he did.


Remember, therefore, that forgiveness is not an act that benefits only the other, but also you, the authors of forgiveness, because, in this way, vi you will free yourself from a very heavy and dangerous burden for your heart.

Practice forgiveness more often and you will feel much lighter!

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