Last update: April 02, 2015
“The world fell on me!
He was the perfect partner "
Emptiness, despair, anger, frustration, pain, anguish are the mixture of feelings that surface when the partner's infidelity is discovered. The intensity of the pain is usually related to the time of cohabitation or the duration of the betrayal. It does not mean that those who have just started a cohabitation and discover a parallel relationship suffer less, but who has been next to a person for years and discovers his infidelity has the feeling that all that time becomes nothing.
Those who have dedicated years of their life to their partner and children have ceased to exist. Women born between the 60s and 70s were educated to sacrifice, to postpone their dreams and personal development goals, although for some personal development was precisely the role of wife and mother.
Those who have dedicated the best years of their life to a relationship lose the backbone of their present and future life in the face of infidelity. When the spouse leaves, the wound opens and the "grieving" process remains for an unquantifiable period of time. It depends on social, family and personal resources to overcome the betrayal. The desire to call the ex and beg for his return, and to feel the need to argue is natural, it is a human reaction.
Trust has been betrayed
Some partners, after infidelity is discovered, decide to stay with their spouse without understanding or acknowledging the damage done to the relationship and to the spouse. Pretending that everything is resolved with an ephemeral conversation is the demonstration of a short-sighted and selfish vision. It is looking only from your own perspective. Trust is not recovered by just saying “I'm sorry”.
Living a lie is having carried on a double life in which often one has chosen to create sterile discussions just to be able to have the excuse of going to meet with the lover.
Can a relationship be recovered after a betrayal? It is difficult, but not impossible. The first important step is to recognize the damage that has been done to the relationship.
It is necessary to understand what factors contributed or pushed to this betrayal. However, it must be said that many cheating have no extenuating circumstances since the partner always has the option of ending the relationship or divorcing before cheating.
Whoever betrays deceives three people: himself, because it is impossible to have intimacy with another or another for months or years without feeling anything; the spouse or partner with whom he lives; the other person. Normally if a person accepts a relationship with another knowing that he or she has a long-term relationship with a third person it is because he hopes that the other relationship will end.
Human beings are not automatons. It is impossible to split feelings when sharing intimacy for a long time.
It is absurd that the unfaithful person expects that the spouse does not express his feelings about it and that "we erase everything and turn the page" means no longer withdrawing the conversation. On the contrary, we must face why it happened, without excuses.
Trust is recovered with deeds, not words. Forgiveness is active, not passive. It is not the flowers and chocolates that heal the wound, nor does it take a week or a month to heal.
The stages in the life of a couple and infidelity
Many people, despite recognizing that they want their partner, do not love them. They hide and keep silent about their malaise for a long time, leading to the inevitable crisis.
As a relationship progresses over time, the couple experiences a bustle of feelings. The beginning of the engagement is the stage of the illusion in which the person who contains everything they both need is idealized. Coexistence leaves room for routine and responsibilities, while procreation reduces the time dedicated to the complicity of the couple, reducing seduction and mystery with each other day after day.
The arrival of the first child implies the division of the affections… there is no longer two! Attention, care and commitment are shared with the newcomer. In this phase, many men feel replaced because they do not participate actively in the first months of their child's life.
Sexual pleasure diminishes and unspoken frustration appears.
We speak, but we do not communicate. You stop living for yourself and for each other. Common spaces are lost. Many mothers monopolize the care of the newborn instead of sharing the responsibility and both enjoying the child. Many stop taking care of their physical appearance and put their partner in the background. It is no coincidence that it is a stage in which we see a greater percentage of cases of unfaithfulness of husbands.
Rather than expressing his dissatisfaction, the man takes refuge in alcohol or friends. An unexplained jealousy makes the appearance of him. Frustration grows with indifference. Meanwhile, her mother lives her life as an extension of hers as a child.
Years later, when the children enter the age of adolescence or leave the house, the members of the couple return to the initial condition, that is, alone. Many are afraid of facing this loneliness with their partner. Because? Because he has become a stranger.
Are you surprised that at this point you don't feel the same things again? Could their love be different?
Life changes, it is dynamic, and what you hear today will not be the same tomorrow. The phase of idealizing the engagement is now over. She now she no longer fits the fantasy. It is immature to think that that stage will continue.
Love also matures, this is what makes it possible to avoid the various crises or ups and downs in the couple and, later, in the family. Passion gives way to calm, stability, quiet love, but why doesn't it feel alive? What have you done to maintain the seduction and complicity of the couple?
In this context, many women do not talk about their sexual dissatisfaction. The myth continues that women serve to satisfy and not to enjoy sexuality. They give but they don't ask. How does your partner know what you like if you don't express it?
This is one of the factors affecting female infidelity, but, as with male betrayal, both are responsible: both those who do not give and those who do not ask. If that's your case, seek professional help.