I will not change for you, but I will grow with you

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Joe Dispenza
@joedispenza
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I will not change for you, but I will grow with you

Last update: Augusts 22, 2015

"I will not change for you, but I will grow with you"

This sentence may surprise you. There are many who believe that building and maintaining a relationship requires giving up certain aspects of one's life for the other. Not only that, many believe that, in order to adapt to the character of their partner, it is necessary to change some parts of their own.



We do not want to deny that a stable and long relationship sometimes involves giving up certain things. However, everything has a limit. If we see ourselves forced to change, we are losing a part of ourselves and a void is opening up in us.

If we change our values, our passions or our character for someone else, we stop being ourselves and become a false, formless and soulless reflection of the other.

There is a clear and indisputable principle when establishing a relationship as a couple: we must never allow our rights and our values ​​to be threatened, because they are what define us. We should never expect the person we love to change for us or adapt to our needs. It would be a kind of blackmail, totally unjustified. Let us now go deeper into the question.

Individual growth and couple growth

Let's start by clarifying a basic concept: couple relationships are not fixed and immutable entities; no one can remain alien to everything that surrounds him, to parallel social relationships, to the work context, to the family, to personal needs, etc.

The couple is inserted in a process of continuous change, in which the bond must be adapted to the new situations created by the passing years. There is a real confrontation between the "we" and the "I".



One of the most common problems is the need to harmonize personal growth with the growth of the couple. In a positive and happy relationship these two spheres are united and connected. How? Both people respect, understand and facilitate their loved one the freedom to organize personal spaces to cultivate their personality, to grow and to be themselves.

It could be said that this process, in reality, represents a curious paradox: in fact, while we work every day to be a harmonious union, stable and intimate, at the same time, we must be two independent entities, capable of enriching us in our individuality. Only in this way will we bring wisdom and happiness to our relationship as a couple.

It is necessary to work on the individual growth of each member of the couple, since, by doing so, we will favor an internal balance and the presence of self-esteem and satisfaction. In this way, the couple will build a real protective nest.

It is useless to force our beloved to change. If we ask him, for example, that he is less extroverted and that he participates less in social events, hoping that, in this way, he will spend more time at home, we will do nothing but create frustration in him and violate his true interests.

What is the point of provoking our partner's unhappiness with our selfishness? We cannot force anyone or anything to change for us. The couple is made to build, grow and advance, but never to forbid.


Growing together we find ourselves

Mature love is the foundation of stable relationships. It is a conscious love capable of respecting and loving the other for what they are, without wanting to change them at any time. Maturity teaches us that, in relationships, personal fears and insecurities quickly turn into the need to control the other.



"I want my partner to change this aspect of his character, because that way he won't leave me and will continue to get along with me." But people aren't made of plasticine, they cannot be modeled to the liking of others.

We should understand early on that we are all imperfect creatures, seeking other imperfect beings for go hand in hand and grow together, day after day. This wonderful process will last a lifetime, meanwhile, we will also grow individually. If we are wiser, our relationship as a couple will grow too.


Love is a constant concern for life, a continuous search during which we must cultivate our personality and, at the same time, worry about the growth of those we love.

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