Every couple is different, every family too. In an ideal functional family, adults should support each other and contribute equally to the upbringing of their children. However, we know that in many cases there is the sea between saying and doing and, unfortunately, in many homes it is still the woman who has to bear the burden of housework and raising children.
Therefore, it is not so strange that a survey conducted in the United States of more than 7.000 mothers revealed that husbands generate 10 times more stress than children. 46% of the women surveyed said their partners contributed more than their children to the increase in stress.
The unfulfilled expectations of mothers
Some of the women interviewed even claimed that their husbands made them "work" more than their children. Others observed that the children didn't cause them many headaches, but the childish attitudes of their partners bothered them a lot.
In addition, some also complained that their partner did not help them enough with housework, and therefore did not have much free time left. There were also those who pointed out that marriage itself is stressful, due to the effort it takes every day.
Certainly not everyone is lucky enough to have an understanding partner who is willing to share housework and children's upbringing. But expectations are also likely to influence these results. For example, we expect a child to throw a tantrum and prepare to deal with it, but we don't expect an adult to behave like a child. We cannot expect a child to understand certain things, but we do expect understanding from our partner.
When the person, who can be both man and woman, does not meet these expectations, we not only feel disappointed, but also cheated. These negative feelings add to daily stress and can end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back.
The fathers are convinced that they are doing enough and demand greater recognition
Interestingly, in another survey conducted by the same researchers with 1.500 fathers, half of them acknowledged that they shared childcare with their partner. But the strange thing was that of the 2.700 mothers surveyed, 75% said they did everything themselves.
Many fathers also confessed to feeling hurt because they thought they played a secondary role in the family. Two-thirds of the fathers also said they would like to see their effort recognized from time to time, at least with words of encouragement.
This study reveals that there is a communication and expectation problem in many homes. Some fathers believe they are doing enough and are not recognized, while mothers think they are not.
Whose fault is it"?
Leaving aside the cases where one parent does not apply enough to the upbringing of their children, the fact is that parenting is stressful and it is often easier to blame our bad mood or our inability to manage everyday life. other adult.
Maintaining a relationship as a couple also requires a good dose of commitment and women often ask too much of themselves, pretending to be perfect mothers, partners, daughters and friends. This tension to satisfy everyone ends by destroying them.
However, it is important to find the cause of this dissatisfaction because it will eventually end up affecting the relationship. In fact, several studies have found that a stressful marriage, where there are constant conflicts, is as damaging to heart health as smoking and increases the chances of suffering from cardiovascular disease in both men and women. A recent survey of 300 Swedish women found that the risk of suffering from a heart attack multiplies by three when their marriage is conflicting.
What is the solution?
Nine out of ten couples recognize that their relationship has deteriorated following the birth of their first child. In any case, to avoid that one of the two members becomes overloaded with tasks and ends too stressed, it is important that communication flows at all times and in both directions. So, if you are a dad or a mom:
- Ask your partner what you need, when you need it. Don't pretend that he / she reads your mind.
- Don't try to do everything, you don't have to do it and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Be content with giving love to your children every day.
- Talk to your partner about your fears, insecurities and dissatisfactions. This will bring you closer.
- Make it clear what you expect from your partner, without recriminations.
