Today I want to explain to you how to understand if it is love. Yes, we are talking about couple relationships and many times I receive comments or emails in which someone tells me about his sentimental story and concludes with the fateful question: do you think he loves me?
Of course, my answer always starts the same way: I can't tell. On the other hand, how do I know if someone who loves you (I don't know who you are) loves you who I don't know who he is? So I thought that the page you are about to read will help you to solve this doubt.
After you have read it you will know how to understand if it is love and you will have much clearer ideas about your relationships as a couple, and beyond. An important part, however, is a test that helps you understand how much you are capable of loving.
It will allow you to understand if in this moment of your life you have the ability to truly love (especially who you say you love).Start quiz Continue Complete the form below to see the results Leave your name and email to subscribe to my newsletter and receive the test results. Your name: Your email: I consent to the processing of my data in compliance with the privacy regulations. Show results
How to understand if it is love: who loves the most?
First of all it is clear that if we want to understand if what we receive is really love, we will mainly rely on it on gestures, on behavior, on words that others have towards us.
In essence, therefore, we try to understand if it is love by observing the demonstrations that others can give us.
Whoever writes to me, for example, tells me everything the other person has done and asks me if it seems to me that they are the gestures of someone he loves.
As if it were that easy!
The starting point is that I can put many things into demonstrations of love:
- Kind words.
- Willingness to help you out.
- Be ready, or ready, to make a sacrifice for you.
- Put yourself before anyone else or anything.
- Find time to spend together.
- Listening and paying attention to the things that interest you.
- Patience and understanding for your problems.
And of course the list could go on until tomorrow morning!
Why is it difficult to understand whether these actions are or are not love? Yes, I know, you thought they were obviously love per se.
The problem is that these gestures, the alleged demonstrations of love that we ask of others, can arise for two different, decidedly opposite reasons.
I can do all of this because I love you.
Or I can do the same things, and on the outside there may be no difference, because I care, for a second purpose, out of selfishness.
What differentiates love from selfishness? The reason we act.
If I give all those things to you without asking for anything in return, not even to receive love in turn, then that is really love.
If, on the other hand, I want something, whether it is trivially to be loved, or to receive gratitude, or your availability, then it is not love, but it is interest.
I know, it sounds strange, so I have a short but highly effective video ready for you.
I hope the difference is clearer now.
To understand if it is love you must therefore grasp the reasons why each of us acts.
Are you a selfish person?
Answer the 7 questions in my selfishness test.It will allow you to understand if (and to what extent) you are a selfish person.
Start quiz Continue Complete the form below to see the results Leave your name and email to subscribe to my newsletter and receive the test result. Your name: Your email: I consent to the processing of my data in compliance with the privacy regulations. Show results
Here are some very important questions:
- A person who demands something from you loves you more, or one who wants to help you without anything in return?
- A person loves you more who if you don't go to bed thinks something is missing, or one who he doesn't care about having an orgasm with you, but he wants you to be happy?
This is a passage from a conversation that a few years ago I had with a girl and from which the idea of this "guide" was born.
She answered, without much doubt (if not because she found the question "strange") the second option for both.
I knew he would have answered like this and I am sure that no one, or almost none, would give a different answer and for a simple reason: we all know very well what love means.
In fact we think that loves more those who donate without compromise, without expecting or expecting something in return.
We are all sure that he loves more those who sincerely want our happiness beyond their own gain, beyond our behavior.
Yet, in practice, paradoxically we build relationships where we choose the people we love least.
I want to offer you some other alternatives.
- Who loves more, a person who expects you to make certain choices or have certain behaviors, which he deems right, or who accepts you as you are without ever trying to change you?
- Who loves more, a person who gets angry with you if you make a mistake or forget a commitment or one who forgives you for every mistake always trying to understand you?
I know, very easy questions with obvious answers.
But even if all this is obvious, what happens in our relationships as a couple?
- We demand satisfaction from the partner (so we love less!).
- We demand that you change those behaviors that we find wrong (who loves us more in this case?).
- We get angry about his mistakes and sometimes we can't forgive (how to forgive a betrayal?).
Who does he love the most?
Even if you answered these questions well and it seems obvious who loves us the most, in the end we are looking for the people who do not love us but demand this and that from us, the people who want to change us.
People who want to control us because of jealousy (take my test), those who think of us as something they own, those who would never accept to leave us completely free, even to take different paths.
It's true, we know who loves the most, we know how to distinguish love, but we don't look for it, we don't care, because we are afraid, afraid that love is too free, too big, too tiring.
What are our relationships based on?
We all assume that couples are united by love and that this very important feeling is the reason why two people decide to share their lives.
Observing reality carefully, without being deceived by appearances, a fundamental fact becomes evident: relationships begin not because we want to love, but because we seek love.
Otherwise why would you ask yourself how to tell if it's love?
You want to understand if they love you because you want to understand if you will get what you ask for: love.
Or at most you want to understand if you love as proof that you have the right person in front of you, since they have deluded us that it is others who make us experience love.
If you fall in love it's not up to you, right? It is the other person who makes you fall in love, you have no responsibility.
This is why we want to understand if it is love, because it does not depend on us and we do not know how to behave.
But love never happens, it's a choice.
The next video explains it to you in a few minutes, watch it very carefully.
Does it make sense to continue your relationship as a couple?
Answer my test questions to find out.
It will allow you to understand if your relationship has the characteristics to last or not.
A story begins not because we are driven by love, but by the search for attention, interest in us, serenity, pleasure, importance, understanding, listening.
We look for all these things in an ideal person, the one we define "the right person" and who has the great honor, but above all the burden, of make us happy.
If we want conquer or seduce someone we do not do to love, but to be loved, because that is what we call all those things we wish to receive.
Everything would be perfect, if a small defect did not take over, mostly neglected: this person who must love us, in reality can do everything but give us exactly what we want, that is love.
In fact, she too wants to seduce and attract us not to love us, but to be loved by us. In essence, people are looking for each other to have something from each other, and not to give.
Are they love relationships?
There is more.
All these relationships, I believe (and fear) most, are therefore born not by virtue of love, but of need, or rather of the needs, which we want to satisfy.
Since needs are the center of our interests we are not capable of loving, as love presupposes a freedom that the state of need prevents us from reaching.
- As long as we need to breathe we are not free, we are dependent on the air.
- As long as we need to eat we are not free, we are addicted to food.
- As long as we need to be loved, appreciated, respected, including we are not free, because we depend on others.
And we can't love someone we depend on. If eating and breathing are natural needs, being loved is not.
What we call love relationships are often founded on our own he pretended to get satisfaction from others of those needs that we feel we have, and which in a very good part are neither natural nor spontaneous, but substantially created by our culture.
Nobody writes books on how one loves, but on how one seduces, attracts, how one conquers the other.
Nobody wants to learn to love, but is interested in the tricks of persuasive communication to attract the right person.
Conquering someone means master it, have him under your own dominion, demand something from this person.
Love? It doesn't matter much.
The question we started from is: how to understand if it is love?
Here's how I would say it in verse, with a poem I wrote a few years ago 🙂
Your words can deceive my senses,
And I imagine things that are not such,
then unable to recognize Love.
Your behaviors may deceive my eyes,
letting me believe in things that are not true,
thinking of recognizing love where it is not.
Love is polite and courteous and does not make a noise,
he does not scream his presence and he does not shout his arrival,
he doesn't have to prove himself by this
you will recognize love.
You will see it because it will not ask for demonstrations,
you will understand it because it will not demand anything and set no limits,
he will give himself without rest and without end, without respite and without deceit.
It will be clear and transparent, without hiding anything,
you will recognize it because there will be no violence,
possession, jealousy or compulsion.
To recognize love look all around,
if nothing prevents you from going in any direction,
if nothing denies you a choice or a decision,
if he wants nothing from you but gives everything,
then it is Love.
You have to observe yourself, observe yourself, not the other person.
Before asking you: does he love me? You should ask yourself, but I love
Think about it, why do you want to know if the other person really loves you?
Isn't it to be sure that it will give you everything you want? That is, will it make you happy and give you love?
You actually want to know if he loves you because you want certainties that your desires and needs will be satisfied by this person.
Each of our relationships is usually born out of a personal interest, to satisfy our need, certainly not to love.
If this were the case we would hang out with people, friends, relatives and acquaintances to give something, to love and not to demand anything from them.
We want to understand if it is love because we know that love will make us happy.
Love, don't be loved.
Do you want to be happy? Loves.
Not me or someone special, but all.
Loving must become your way of being, because love is not a couple relationship.
But only if you want to become happy, otherwise go ahead 😉
And you can do this by learning to live a happy life as a couple: you love everyone, you are happy, and you love each other. What else could you miss?
And that also means knowing when the end of a relationship is the right way. Loving doesn't necessarily mean making a couple.
I tell you: nothing.
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... If You Don't Trust Yours Capacity or Yours Character It Doesn't Help You!
I know a lot of people who wait for love to knock on their door and the novels, movies or songs that wonder when love comes are a lot.
The wait, therefore, it seems to be one of the possibilities, the other is research, the long and exhausting search for the right person, for love.
But when does love arrive?
Fromm, in his Art of Love, emphasized how a big mistake it was to have made love an object to seek, find and then hold back.
Basically we are convinced that love comes when we find the right person, when we meet the prince, or the princess, blue (are the princesses also blue?), When luck decides to smile at us.
We delude ourselves, and even if we deny it rationally we are intimately certain, that the problem is alone meet this person, then, with love entered our life, everything will change.
We expect love as if it were something that others bring us, and we don't realize that love is something we carry into our lives.
We have made love a passive object of worship while love is a choice, love is an action, love is commitment, awareness, will, clarity, freedom from others, independence.
So it makes sense for us to ask ourselves how to understand if it is love.
But love is not chance, it is not the result of the actions of others, but it is our choice.
And it doesn't matter if they love you, it matters if you love.
If we want to be happy we must love and we will be happy and live a fantastic life, to the extent that we will love: the more I love, the more wonderful every moment of my life will be.
And also your 😉