One of the most frequently asked questions I get asked on my original blog inSpanish is: how do you help someone change? These are usually the
people who want their partner to pay them more attention, to stop
to drink or support them more, they want their children to behave better,
that parents stop manipulating them… well, the list is long. And then, how to help a depressed person? I will not lie to you: making the other change is complicated, especially if he
does not wish to change and is unaware of the problem or does not accept it. In
if so, the question is: how do you get someone in need of
First, here are some key details we need to keep in mind
when it comes to changing another person: - Openness to change. This is as obvious a question as it is
undervalued. People often get defensive when someone gets them
it encourages us to change course, because most of us prefer to stay
in our safety zone, in which we feel comfortable and in which
we can (or believe we can) control everything (or almost everything) .That person you intend to change has probably taken years to
behave that way so that it will be resistant to change, if it is not
aware that this is necessary and essential. This is the first clue
to convince someone to change: it is important to make them understand that the
change is needed and that this will bring benefits. At the same time,
you should also make him feel secure and offer our support. - Don't judge. One of the biggest mistakes people make when they want
to change others is to want to impose one's own reasons with some
logical arguments, often based on critical judgment. However, we
psychologists know that one of the secrets of therapy success is for
to be able to establish a relationship of trust is to not judge. Because?
Simply because when a person perceives that he is being judged, he does not
feels comfortable and ends up getting defensive. With this
attitude it is very difficult to have a meaningful conversation as well
Also, when there is a problem the other probably knows about it too, but yes
refuses to accept it emotionally. Therefore, the logical arguments do not
they are almost never useful. Instead, it is necessary to appeal to reasons of nature
emotional but always trying to adopt a sympathetic attitude without
judge the person. - Increase self-awareness. Sometimes people behave a certain way
simply because they are used to it, or because a certain factor
triggers the reaction. Therefore, your role will be to help the
person to discover and anticipate what are the factors that encourage the
behavior you want to change.This strategy is useful because that person will become aware of his or her own
behavior, but indirectly, because his "I" will not be involved.
This means that you are not attacking the person, you are alone
talking to her about the factors that influence her behavior. There is a
big difference between the two concepts and often this is the key to a
important change. - Commitment. When we want to change a person it is because we care about
this, because we have a certain type of relationship with her. Therefore,
compromising ourselves is essential too. For example, there are many people who
scold their partner that their behaviors are negative and then
they give an ultimatum: “either change or the
relationship ends here ". So, let's leave the “potato
boiling "to the other, we" wash our hands "and it
we abandon to his fate. With this attitude we behave like a simple judge, but what he has
really need the other is someone to help you change. Therefore, he
he must perceive that we too commit ourselves to be by his side during the
change.
