Falling in love is in our mind

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Robert Maurer
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Falling in love is in our mind

Last update: Augusts 02, 2020

He has loved her for years in secret, but what he doesn't know is that their destinies are about to cross. Most importantly, he doesn't imagine finding out that falling in love is in our mind.

He always passed her through the corridors of the university. He was always looking for a place next to her to admire her beauty. Her face conveyed peace, serenity. Her long, wavy black hair created an almost hypnotic state. Her physique was perfect. She was the girl he had always wanted.



Every so often they exchanged a few glances or a greeting and then her voice trembled and she was unsure what to say. He realized he was madly in love. What he still didn't know, however, is that falling in love is in our mind.

Patrizia was the girl he had been waiting for for years. And there they are, every morning in the same place. When he crossed her, a delicious scent invaded the environment and bewitched him. When she said "hello" to him, his legs trembled.

By my side

He imagined her walking beside him through the streets of the city, commenting on the most beautiful and the strangest buildings, and whatever they saw. They sat on the benches, talked and laughed. Then they would go and eat somewhere and spend the whole day together. And one day they hugged and kissed. Whenever he looked at her in class, his mind was flooded with these thoughts.

One day, while she was eating with a friend in the faculty bar, she took a seat next to them. How was this possible? Apparently, they had known each other for a while. And he didn't know! He began to get nervous. The girl of his dreams was right in front of him. It was beautiful, perfect. He felt more and more in love and was afraid of making a bad impression.



The illusion of a special connection

From that day on, they dined together on more than one occasion. They chatted about this and that and laughed. They always chose the menu of the day, she preferred the salad and he the pasta, she the Coca Cola and he the water. For dessert he loved fruit, she loved pudding. He looked into her eyes and imagined himself with her on a paradise beach, sunbathing together and swimming in the crystal clear waters.

They began to see each other more and more often. Patrizia also seemed to be looking for him. He had been in love with her for over a year and a half. day they decided to go out and went to have a coffee. It was a good time. They had different interests, but it didn't matter, they complemented each other perfectly. He could see the signals that he gave him and that hinted that there was a special connection between them.

The time came

One winter afternoon, Patrizia sat next to him in the university bar.

"I have to tell you something" he told him. He began to tremble. The time had come.

"Tell me," he replied.

“Here, I'm in love. I didn't tell you before because I don't like talking about these things, about me in this aspect, and I'm not sure what to do ".

“And what's the problem? Is it not paid?He asked anxious for the answer.

"Yes, it is paid ..." he replied.


"So?" he asked impatiently.

"The boy is not from here, he lives in another city, we would see very little and long-distance relationships are difficult, or at least they say ... "

He stopped listening to her. She sank into a dark well, totally dark. He stared at her and felt anger emerge that he hadn't felt in a long time.

Why wasn't he that boy? She had sent him signals! What was happening? She couldn't be, it was him she had to be in love with. He had loved her for too long in secret, he had never said anything to her, and now that he had him by his side she had someone else in mind.


"Echoes began to ring in his head about a theory he had heard about that falling in love is in our mind"

He didn't want to listen to her anymore. In fact, he didn't want to see her anymore. His happiness had collapsed and he felt lost and disappointed. He had deluded himself that they would be happy in the future, but by now he had lost all hope. She loved another. She didn't make sense. She even imagined that she was making fun of him by sending him false signals.

What actually happened

A few months later the boy met an elderly man on the bus on his way home. They were sitting next to each other. The journey took more than an hour and they had time to talk.


Chatting about everything, he told him about his love story gone wrong and, in front of his amazement, the man looked at him tenderly and said smiling:

"The problem is you weren't in love with her."

"Excuse me?" asked the incredulous boy "I loved her for more than a year, how could I not be in love?"

"You can't love someone you don't know, at least not in a romantic sense ... you were in love, yes, but not with her. You loved the expectations you had about her "he said"falling in love is not love, young friend, don't confuse them. Falling in love is in our mind ... "

They were silent for a few minutes. Is falling in love in our mind? He did not fully understand what the elder had meant. He was stunned without knowing what expression to take, while the elderly gentleman looked out the window smiling. He then he turned to the boy and continued:

“You see, that girl probably sparked emotions in you because of her physical appearance, and so you started imagining a happy life next to her. There was nothing else, excitement and expectations, but you really didn't know anything about her. You met her by chance, and slowly you started to idealize her.


“Also,” he continued, “when you started to deepen your knowledge, you chose the aspects you liked most about her, putting them in the foreground while ignoring the ones you liked least. But that is not all, you believed that she should be the one to make you happy, you left your happiness in her hands. Unfortunately, young friend, I have to tell you that this is not love, it is obsession. That's why you felt so downcast. Love is true, love is authentic, in love you don't expect the other to do something for you, it is you who go in search of happiness for the other person.

You chose to interpret his signals as gestures of falling in love only because that was what you wanted ”the man continued“ you were the director, the screenwriter and the actor of the film that you edited in your head. You really believed it and you misled reality. But don't worry, it happens to everyone. It is normal to fall into this trap. If you truly have love for her, you want her to be happy, with you or with someone else. It does not change. And remember, the next time that happens ask yourself if you are really in love with that person or if your feeling is just a reflection of your expectations towards him. "

Falling in love is in our mind

"I'll tell you something" added the man, "As José Ortega y Gasset said, one of the typical qualities of falling in love is to focus on the awareness of being loved, to the point of limiting, or even preventing, the good use of reasoning, the necessary mental and cognitive concentration. "

Nice sentence, right? It took me some time to learn it, but its meaning has remained with me and now you too ”.

They reached their destination and the boy took leave of the old gentleman. He arrived home, greeted his parents and lay down on the sofa. He thought of everything he had heard. What the man had said to him might have seemed at first glance madness, but when analyzed with some objectivity it seemed absolutely true.

In fact, Patrizia had never liked him, it had been her fantasies. She thought back to the last sentence the man had said before saying goodbye: "If you really love a person, want their good, their well-being, their happiness, don't think about what they can do for you, but what you can do for them. If you see her suffering, help her. This is what love is all about, helping others, making them happy. And if that person feels love for you too, I assure you that you will have the most beautiful love relationship that can exist ”.

And here it all made sense. He began to read and inquire about love and falling in love and discovered an interesting article by Chóliz and Gómez (2002) in which it was stated that attractive people have an advantage over those who are not, which leads others to notice them and fall in love. of them. The mere fact of being attractive leads us to attribute desirable characteristics, giving the individual in question better treatment.

Between the words of that old gentleman and all that he found himself reading, he became even more convinced of how falling in love is the fruit of our imagination. For this, we must pay attention to the expectations we shape.

From that moment on, when he met a girl and felt certain emotions revive in him, his mind put him on alert and so he reasoned. "Falling in love is in our mind, falling in love is in our mind ...".

"Thinking that falling in love is in our mind may seem painful and unreal, but if we think about it rightly, we will see how easy it is to be fooled without being aware of it."
-Gendun Dorje-

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