Last update: 22 November 2017
When we communicate a message, very often the form (as we say it) is much more important than the content (what we say). Being able to correctly communicate what we want to say is not an easy task, we have to coordinate words, gestures, emotions, attitudes, etc. And when we turn to our partner it can seem even more difficult. How can we expose a problem to our partner in a positive way?
"Communication" is entirely a specialty of psychology. There are psychologists who are involved in intervening to improve people's communication skills at the request of the people themselves and to understand how we are influenced by the media in our daily life.
Communication has been analyzed so much that nowadays one fact is very clear: having good communication skills is important in every area of life. But if there is one in which they have a particular impact, it is that of the couple's life.
Knowing how to present a problem to your partner in a positive way can help us overcome conflicts and learn from them. So let's see the 8 most important strategies for having positive communication with your partner.
The 8 most effective communication strategies to expose a problem to your partner
1. Finding the Right Time: You need privacy, peace of mind and the attention of your partner
To be able to expose a problem to your partner in a positive way, you have to find the right moment. You need to have privacy, tranquility and attention. Often we only share a short part of the day, in the evening / night, during which there are a thousand things to do and the level of fatigue is high. Let us remember that these moments are not the best to expose a problem.
We need to evaluate how urgent the problem is to know if we can wait or not. The best thing is to always wait for a moment when the partner is available, there is peace of mind and no distractions. There is nothing more unpleasant than being interrupted while trying to explain or understand something. For this reason, via mobile phones, children, television or music. Try to get 200% of the partner's attention. And ours must also be on the same level.
"When someone shows you who they really are, trust me"
-Maya Angelou-
2. Pay attention to body language
When exposing a problem to your partner, it is very important that the body transmits serenity and not a state of alteration or defense. Clearly it is normal to be nervous or uncomfortable when you have to expose a problem to your partner, so you have to try to keep control and pay attention to some details, such as: having an open body position, avoiding crossed arms, looking at each other in the eyes without intimidating him, try not to move too much.
Standing one in front of the other and being close together, with nothing in between, will help create a more positive climate. For example, sitting on the sofa and maintaining eye contact, using a quiet tone of voice, can be much more helpful than sitting across from each other at the table. These small details make the communication of the problem happen in a more positive and intimate atmosphere.
3. Be specific and focus on the present
Not getting high is essential when exposing a problem to your partner. The first step is to clarify ourselves and know what we want to say and what we want to achieve by presenting the problem. Before we speak, it is very important to know what we feel, what we want and what changes must take place for the problem to cease to exist.
In this sense, it is better to say what you feel and think in a clear and concise way. There is no need to repeat the same thing over and over. You have to choose words that are simple to understand, explain yourself with recent examples and as close as possible to the present. The past is important to understand where we are and why we feel this way, but when a problem arises, we need to focus on what's going on and how we want the situation to change.
4. Using the sandwich technique: something positive + the problem + something positive
The sandwich technique is excellent when we want to correct the other, but at the same time we want to reduce the emotional impact of criticism. You will have to learn it if you want to expose a problem to your partner. It consists in wrapping the central message with positive elements, placing them before and after the communication. For example: "I know you work long hours, I like you to do it because it shows you are making an effort for your family, but I think you could collaborate more in housework and I'm sure we can find a way for you to do it."
The goal of this technique is to take advantage of the psychological effect of primacy and recency, which explains why we tend to remember what is at the beginning and end of a message.. That is why mentioning the problem at the center of the message, starting and ending with something positive is an excellent formula for dealing with the conflict and making the final feeling positive.
5. Make flexibility our best ally and take advantage of the magic of words
The words we choose when we have to present a problem are fundamental. To present a problem in a positive way, words must convey flexibility, reflect a desire or suggestion, not an ultimatum. For example, if we use the expression "you may" instead of "you must", the other person is much more likely to listen to us without closing.
Starting to expose the problem with words like "I would like", "I need", "it would make me very happy" is much better than saying "I want", "you must" or "I need that". In reality the message is the same, but words can work magic, causing the other person to accept - or even commit to - a change that they would otherwise object to.
6. Very important: convince the partner that the problem has a solution
If we want to present a problem in a positive way, there must also be a moment in which we propose solutions. Explaining a problem and not proposing a solution is not a good idea: not suggesting any way to solve the situation is equivalent to leading the partner into a dead end. Furthermore, it is important that the solution is a suggestion, not an imposition. It's about solving the problem, not getting the other person to do exactly what we want.
Before exposing a problem to your partner, it is very important to brainstorm and evaluate possible solutions to suggest. It is not a question of explaining to him what in our opinion is the right solution, because a just and effective solution must be supported by both members of the couple.. It is about suggesting what we believe can be done, if the other agrees too. Ultimately, if it is a problem that involves the couple as a unit, then the responsibility for the birth, maintenance and solution of the problem is split between both.
"Honesty makes relationships last over time"
-Lauryn Hill-
7. Turn complaints into desires
Behind every complaint lies a desire, for example when we think "why does he never recognize my efforts?" or "always comes late, he doesn't take me seriously", in reality the desire behind each of these thoughts is "I want my efforts to be recognized and to make me understand that he takes into consideration what I do" and " I want him to be punctual because it is important to me ”.
Turning complaints into desires is a skill, it takes practice, but it's not impossible. The first step is to put aside all the powerful and unpleasant emotions generated by complaining, instead thinking about what we really want to ask.
Secondly, it is very important to convey the desire in a positive language, which allows the other to act rather than immobilize him. This means that to expose a problem to your partner in a positive way, you have to explain what we want to happen, without focusing on what is bothering us (the complaint).
8. Give your partner a moment of reflection
Don't demand an immediate response or action, let your partner think about what has been exposed to him. If we don't demand an answer the moment we present the problem, we release the pressure on the partner. And taking the pressure off a person to make a decision is one of the most effective ways to turn the problem into a positive challenge. Because we offer the other freedom, we let him make evaluations without pressure, we allow him to respond once the "shock" of having become aware that something is wrong has passed.
But be careful ... any moment of reflection, for it to be effective, must have an expiration date. In other words, a maximum time must be defined. This will depend on each person's personal timing, and above all on the urgency and importance of resolving the conflict. It is not a question, however, of taking an indefinite time to think, because in this case the problem is avoided. And avoiding the problem only leads to strengthening it.
By keeping these concepts in mind when exposing a problem to your partner, we can ensure that everything is dealt with in a positive way. This will make it easier to learn from the conflict, get to know each other a little more and strengthen the union.
