Emotional wounds of childhood and choice of partner

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Robert Maurer


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Emotional wounds of childhood and choice of partner

The emotional wounds of childhood motivate us to generate masks that disguise our vulnerability. We refer to pain points that affect practically everything we do.

Last update: June 13, 2022

Most of us have wounds on the "emotional skin" that need to be accepted and healed. Pain points that appear to have become chronic. How to identify the emotional wounds of childhood and their impact? How do they affect the choice of a partner?

Clarifying the patterns underlying our actions is necessary. A clear map of our emotional territory will make it easier to cross it successfully, allowing you to make more effective changes. More specifically, in the social sphere it will allow for the generation or strengthening of bonds that offer security, trust and clarity.

People who developed secure attachment in childhood have a valuable advantage in bonding with others and are not afraid of abandonment. In other words, they can lead independent, autonomous and emotionally responsible adult lives.

The wounds of the soul according to Lise Bourbeau

According to expert Lise Bourbeau, they exist five emotional wounds that are created during childhood and five masks that we wear to hide them and be able to live with them. Lise Bourdeau also states that the depth of the wound determines the intensity of the mask we create.

Often in adulthood it is necessary to start a work that allows us to forgive and let go of all these masks.

If not, they become an obstacle to authenticity, as well as a minefield for the discomfort that comes with dissonance. The wounds come from rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice.

Emotional wounds are like psychological injuries that originate in childhood and affect adulthood.

Wound of rejection: mask of the elusive

The wound of rejection settles in the child's psyche between conception and the first year of life. The child maintains an avoidant attachment to one parent or both.

The adult carrying this wound was subjected of rejection during his childhood and will tend to reject himself and others.

Likewise, pleasant and successful experiences will be rejected due to the deep feeling of inner emptiness and the mistaken belief that they are undeserving. This wound leads to wearing the mask of the elusive.

The greatest fear that people with a rejection wound have is the fear of rejection.

Emotional wounds of childhood: abandonment and the mask of the employee

From a chronological point of view, between the first and three years of life, the second wound that can be caused is that of abandonment. The parent creates an ambivalent attachment bond full of contradictions.

Those who have experienced abandonment will tend to abandon projects and partners, until you become aware and take responsibility for your life and loneliness.

The adult with this wound constantly seeks attention, support and protection from the people around him. His biggest fear is loneliness and that's why he wears the employee mask.

Emotional wounds of childhood: humiliation and the mask of the masochist

The third wound is that of humiliation, which is generated between the first and third year of life; the parent relates to the child through an anxious and ambivalent attachment.

The adults who have had experiences of abuse, humiliation, confrontation or being humiliated due to their physical appearance, attitudes and behaviors during their childhood they often carry this weight on their backs.

Most of the time they are insecure, shy and indecisive beings who, deep down, feel guilty and don't believe they are free. Those who suffer the wound of humiliation wear the masochist mask.

Betrayal Wound: Controller Mask

The fourth emotional wound is that of betrayal resulting from a disorganized attachment on the part of the parent. It occurs between two and four years of age. The adult with the wound of betrayal will be wary, as he is not allowed to trust anything or anyone.

The biggest fear is lying and one will subconsciously try to get involved in situations where one will inevitably be betrayed.

People with the wound of betrayal wear the mask of the controller, surrounding themselves with a haze of jealousy and fear of separation.

Emotional wounds of childhood: mask of the rigid

The last wound is that of injustice, between the ages of four and six, rooted in a disorganized attachment to the reference figure. In this case, the child feels blocked in his individuality, in his essence.

At some point, all of us have experienced or witnessed unfair situations; however, in this case it seems impossible face them and the reactions are disproportionate.

One of the most important characteristics is the fear of making mistakes and the tendency or obsession to find perfection. People with the wound of injustice wear the mask of stiffness.

With what parameters do we choose the partner?

The emotional wounds of childhood largely determine the bonds we establish throughout life. One of the most important bonds is that of a couple. Thus the person with a rejection wound runs away from intimacy.

Conversely, an adult with a neglect injury tries fears that the partner doesn't love him or really want him. He finds it difficult to interact with people the way he would like, as he expects more intimacy or bonding than is provided. This is how emotional dependence arises.

Those who have been humiliated attract people who make them feel humiliated. A woman can attract a man who flirts with other women, and a man can attract a woman who is very provocative to other men.

Therefore, the adult with a betrayal wound will show a seductive and manipulative attitude, take power and make the partner at his side feel weak.

Finally, the wound of injustice is reflected in a cold personality, rigid and struggling to welcome people, as she prefers to be alone.

Emotional wounds often make us feel deep pain.

Aware of one's attachment

According to Lise Bourbeau, although we wear these masks in a vain attempt to protect ourselves, paradoxically we attract specific situations and people to feel rejected, abandoned, humiliated, betrayed or unjust.

Fortunately, healing the emotional wounds of childhood and abandoning these masks is possible if we recognize the reality of the facts, we forgive ourselves and the people who have hurt us. We will thus begin to accept and love ourselves for who we are.

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