Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Educating without shouting is the best choice we can make as parents and educators. Screaming is neither educational nor healthy for the baby's brain. Far from solving something, in reality two types of emotional responses are activated: fear and / or anger. We learn to educate, to impose discipline with the heart, empathy and responsibility.
All those who are parents or who work every day in the world of education and teaching will have been tempted to raise their voices on multiple occasions, in order to stop an out-of-control or defiant behavior, to block tantrums that put a strain on them. try calmness. We cannot deny it, these situations happen often, they are moments in which fatigue combines with stress and our despair exceeds the limit.
Shouting does not educate, educating with screams makes the heart deaf and closes the thought
But giving in and giving way to screaming is something a lot of people do. It is not a parental taboo. In fact, some say that shouting, as well as "a good slap when it takes", is useful. Now, for those who choose to educate by shouting and look favorably on these methods, this is normal. Perhaps they are the same methods that were used with them when they were children. Now that they have become adults, they are unable to use other tools, other more useful and respectful alternatives.
Educating without shouting is not only possible but necessary. Disciplining, correcting, guiding and teaching without shouting has a positive impact on the development of the child's personality. It is an effective way to take care of his emotional world, to satisfy his self-esteem, to set an example and show him that there is another type of communication that does not hurt, that he knows how to understand and connect with. real needs.
The neurological impact on children's brains
Something that as parents and educators we have noticed on more than one occasion is that we sometimes lack the resources, strategies and alternatives. We know that shouting is not useful and that it never leads us to get the result we expect. What we get is that a flicker of fear, of repressed anger appears in the child's gaze… It is therefore necessary to learn the keys to educate without shouting, to create a positive education that allows us to solve these situations intelligently.
A first aspect that we cannot lose sight of is the impact that cries have on the human brain and on the neurological development of the child. The act of "shouting" has a very specific purpose in our species, as well as in any other: to warn of a danger, of a risk. Our alarm system activates and releases cortisol, the stress hormone whose purpose is to put us in the physical and biological conditions necessary to escape or fight.
Consequently, the child who lives in an environment where screaming is used and abused as an educational strategy will suffer from precise neurological alterations. The hippocampus, the brain structure linked to emotions and memory, will be smaller. The corpus callosum, the point of conjunction between the two hemispheres, also receives less blood flow, thus affecting emotional balance, attention span and other cognitive processes ...
Shouting is a form of abuse, an invisible weapon, cannot be seen or touched, but its impact on the baby's brain is simply devastating. This excessive and constant release of cortisol keeps the child in a permanent state of stress and alarm, in a situation of distress that no one deserves and no one should feel.
Educating without shouting, educating without tears
Paolo is 12 years old and is not doing very well in school. His parents are now sending him to an institution where they give extra-curricular lessons to reinforce various subjects. He gets up every day at 8 in the morning and comes home at 9 in the evening. In this term Paolo did not have a sufficiency in two subjects, mathematics and English. Two more than last quarter.
When he comes home with his grades, his father can't help but yell at him. He reproaches him for his passivity and all the money they are investing in him "for nothing". And there is also the typical phrase "if you continue like this, you will never become anyone". After the reprimand, Paolo closes himself in his room, repeating that everything sucks, who wants to leave school and leave home as soon as possible, away from everything and everyone, especially his parents.
This situation, certainly common in many homes, is a small example of what screams cause along with unhappy phrases uttered at a given moment. But let's see in more detail what such a situation can cause if these reactions are commonplace in the family environment.
Children and teenagers interpret the cry as an expression of hate, so if their parents address them in this way, they will feel rejected, unloved and despised.
- The mind does not correctly process the information that is transmitted through a message emitted in a high tone of voice. So everything that is said while shouting is of no use.
- Every cry arouses emotion and in general it is anger and the need to flee. More than solving the situation, we complicate it further.
How can we educate without shouting?
We said it at the beginning, there are many possibilities before resorting to screaming, different strategies that can help build a more reflective dialogue, a positive education based on those pillars on which to build a healthier relationship with our children. Let's see some solutions.
- We must first of all understand that shouting means losing control. Just this. Therefore the moment we feel the need to scream appears, we need to take a breath and reflect. If our first impulse to put an end to this 3-year-old's tantrums or to communicate with this 12-year-old teenager is to scream, we need to stop and understand that by raising our voices we lose everything.
- There is always a reason behind a behavior or situation. Understanding and empathizing with the child is progress, and for this two things are required: patience and closeness. The child who breaks out on a whim needs us to teach him how to manage his complex emotional world. The teenager used to being told what he has to do at any time, needs us to ask him what he thinks, what he feels, what happens to him ... Being listened to can sometimes be a real cure-all in this age and in any other.
Finally, educating without shouting is first of all a personal choice that requires the will and daily commitment of the whole family. It must also be said that there is no magic key that will help us in all situations and with all children. However, some are useful with most of them: sharing quality time, giving consistent orders, identifying ourselves as unconditional support figures, or encouraging them to take on the responsibilities that are within their reach considering their level of development.
