Friends, partners, family, co-workers ... There is always someone trying to control us. How can you avoid it? How to defend ourselves and set clear limits?
Last update: July 18, 2022
When someone tries to control us, it is normal to feel attacked. Those who try to dominate our will not only do not respect us, but also attack our rights, values and decisions. This, unfortunately, it happens every day in different environments and it is important to guard against manipulation.
We are talking about such complex and sometimes imperceptible dynamics, so it is difficult to identify someone we consider our friend as a manipulator. When we appreciate someone, we are more tolerant.
We yield to certain claims, we accept certain favors and we can also engage in behavior that is as illogical as it is harmful. Until one day we open our eyes and realize that he wants to control our will as if we were a puppet.
There are those who resort to fear, but others take advantage of the closeness and alleged affection they feel for us. Those who try to control another person are not moved by love, but only want to achieve their own goals.
It may sound strange, but it's not that easy to realize that someone is trying to control us. It takes time because we find it hard to believe that this is really the case.
Strategies to defend against manipulation
Patricia Evans is one of the best specialists in interpersonal communication. She is also the author of numerous bestsellers, such as Verbal Abuse in Relationships (1992) or How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You (2003).
Those who try to dominate us try to alter our reality and therefore distort it, making us doubt ourselves. In his books, Evans points out that dealing with these figures is almost like breaking a spell.
Realize what they are doing to us, then make it clear that we will not play their game, that we will not allow ourselves to be overcome by their Machiavellian tricks. Let's see the "spell breaker" strategies that can help us in these cases.
Direct confrontations with the manipulative person are not very helpful. Instead, an appropriate strategy is to stop paying attention to it to show that its importance in our life is less and less.
Recognize the manipulator: he can be very close and we don't know
We insist on the above: we don't always recognize the manipulative person. The reason? Because it applies underhanded, cryptic and masked strategies of good intentions, false camaraderie and even affection.
Almost without realizing it, these actions end up taking hold of us like the roots of a tree underground. The first step, therefore, is to realize the reality of the facts. For this purpose, the following should be noted:
- The person asks for favors and demands a "Yes" from us because of our relationship.
- He will make us believe that we are among the most important people in his life, because he cares about us and I only want the best. A study from the Southern Federal University, Russia, indicates that behind a manipulative personality, there is a figure who depends on us.
- The person criticizes what we do, say or want. He does it in a gentle and patronizing way.
- She reacts dramatically when we deny her something.
- Try to make us feel guilty about insignificant aspects. Like not replying to messages right away, not paying enough attention, etc.
- His thinking is inflexible and dichotomous. Either we are with her or against her, there are never half terms or points of view other than hers are accepted.
- Constantly changes mood. He is incredibly friendly at times and soon becomes distant. By doing so, she makes us believe that she is the cause of her well-being or her discomfort.
- Mind. When someone tries to control us, lying will be their best asset.
Respond indirectly
The person skilled in manipulation techniques is usually also skilled in direct confrontations. She won't do much if we tell her "I want you to stop controlling me, you have no right to do this."
We will certainly lose in a face-to-face confrontation with the manipulator. So what can we do? The best way to defend against manipulation is indirect action, the one that the manipulator does not expect:
- Ignore and adopt silence as a shield. Not paying attention means not validating those who want to hurt us. Avoiding, slipping away, not responding, limiting their presence in our daily life is the best strategy.
- Distraction techniques. Manipulators are masters of the word, of those speeches with which they remind us how badly we do this or that. In these cases it is better to change the subject, talk about something else.
- Indirect assertiveness. Often there is little point in expressing clear limits to the manipulative person, who will end up violating them. When you protest our indifference towards him, we resort to assertiveness by remembering which of our red flags (the ones they didn't pay attention to).
Ask questions that serve as a stimulus to defend against manipulation
When someone tries to control us, we shouldn't resort to anger or protest, but to ask questions. The purpose of this strategy is to bring the manipulative person and question themselves, to understand that we know what their purpose is and that we are not willing to continue on that path.
Questions should be direct, concise, and include concrete examples of his behavior. “Why do you assume that I will do you that favor you asked for? What makes you think that I have to agree to everything you ask me? ”.
In life, you need to know when to leave something that hurts behind. Those who try to control us do not want our well-being or our happiness.
Free yourself from guilt, break the bonds that hurt
The education system and society pass on the weight of guilt to us. Guilt for not being and acting as others want; guilt for having prioritized ourselves and not taking into account the needs of others. Not to look after relatives, friends or partners.
To ensure your psychological well-being, you need to surround yourself with people who treat you well; if not, it is better to let them go, to move away from them, to break the bonds. To defend oneself from manipulation, therefore, the relationship must be analyzed and the real need to keep it standing.
If for any reason you are unable to exclude the manipulative person from your life, we try to maintain minimal contact. Let's do it guilt-free and proud of ourselves.
