Couples who break up while loving each other, why?

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Robert Maurer

Couples who break up while loving each other, why?

Love needs precise gears for a relationship to work. Loving each other does not mean being happy or solving everyday problems better. It is not uncommon, in fact, that many couples break up although the affection and passion are still alive.

Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.

Last update: 15 November 2022

Why are there couples who break up while loving each other? We see similar choices every day, and probably we too have lived a similar experience ... That of having to let go of those we love, to say goodbye forever to those who have been everything to us and who, in the end, became nothing. Breakups that hide something more than simple incompatibility, the burden of routine or communication problems.

Typically, couples who still profess love tend to push and pull before they finally break up. Departures and new beginnings marked by “it doesn't work, better give us some time” and “let's try again, but let's do it well this time”. Yet nothing seems to help, because love, in this final stage, already hurts, hurts and the measures adopted only widen the wound.

Françoise Sagan argues that loving doesn't just mean loving, but also to understand, to be able to connect to the reality of the other person. If that's missing, we leave the loved one to be ourselves and not condemn both of us to eternal suffering.

Reasons why there are couples who break up while loving each other

For a good part of our life (especially if you are very young) we take it for granted that love is the glue that holds everything together. We feel lucky because we have someone to love and, above all, because we are loved.

As we grow up, however, experiences teach us, not without disappointment, that love cannot do everything, nor is it the magic formula for a happy relationship.

To understand the reasons behind stability or the most common causes of breakups between couples, it is customary to review the classic studies of John Gottman. Over the past 40 years, Gottman and Robert Levenson, professor of psychobiology at the University of Berkeley, have studied these dynamics using monitoring, therapy, surveys and reporting.

While having a happy and lasting relationship seems as complex to us as solving a Rubik's cube, it really isn't. It is not if we know the reasons why, for example, a loving couple breaks up. This situation is perhaps the most interesting and delicate, which is why we analyze it below.

You during the night and I during the day: different life projects

Several aspects in common can bind us to another person: passion, attraction, friendship, complicity and even that magic that can make any circumstance unique. Nevertheless, there is a precipice that has no end, a suffering that does not disappear.

This something often coincides with personal life plans. It may be that our work is fundamental for us, that goal to which we entrust all our future projects. Still, our partner doesn't look favorably on this ambition. It could also be that one of you wants to start a family, while the other is not ready for such a step.

The harmony in terms of personal goals is a decisive factor in the stability of a couple.

I love you, but I don't understand you

Understanding requires putting yourself in the other person's shoes without ceasing to be yourself, to get in touch with a different reality. This simple aspect may seem elementary and essential to us, yet it is not so obvious. In some cases, love neither knows nor wants to understand.

Why are there couples who break up while loving each other? You don't appreciate me as I deserve

One of the reasons a loving couple breaks up is a lack of appreciation. Sometimes time gets out of hand and it does so in very specific aspects. It is not uncommon to start taking many things for granted: the actions of the other, the efforts, the details, the will, the qualities ...

In general, it is not necessary for someone to appreciate us for what we are or do, but in the couple we need to feel appreciated and valued.

You hear me, but you don't listen to me (communication problems)

Quality in communication is one of the decisive elements for the future of a relationship. Knowing how to listen, speak assertively, knowing how to discuss without emotions getting the better of you and being able to reach agreements are the rosetta stone of every emotional bond.

Very often, in fact, another reason why some couples break up while loving each other is to be found precisely in this triggering factor.

When life tests us and we give up

The couple is not an entity in itself, it is not protected by a sphere that separates it from the events and circumstances of life. There is the family, there are the parents, that rope that can sometimes tighten one of the two members to the point of limiting the relationship, to interpose obstacles in front of which one does not react.

There is the work context and there is the social one, dimensions that can challenge a couple in many ways. Infidelity or betrayal of various kinds, facts that sprout a lack of trust in a relationship.

At the same time, events can occur that show us the true nature of the partner: an illness, a legal problem ... Seeing how he reacts can mean discovering that perhaps he was not the person we thought.

Concluding reflections: couples who break up while loving each other

It may be difficult to understand why there are couples who break up even though they love each other. Again, however, we must be aware that a relationship is not born and is not based solely on love.

A relationship is built, modeled like a delicate artisan work that needs many elements to remain solid, beautiful, long-lasting ...

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