Last update: October 29, 2017
Life is unique and wonderful, but it inevitably ends sooner or later. When this happens for a person we love, our whole world seems to collapse. This situation, already difficult in itself, can become complicated if we have to communicate the death of a loved one to a child.
This overwhelms our mind with an infinity of negative thoughts and worries. To the sadness caused by death, is added the anxiety for the thought of how to give this difficult news to our children. While it may not be pleasant, we can do it in the best possible way for everyone… Let's find out how!
"We must not fear death because, as long as we are, death is not, and when death is, we are not"
-Antonio Machado-
Communicating the death of a loved one to a child: essential for mourning
When a loved one dies, we go into a state of shock and freeze. The impact of the news hits us hard and there is a reality of which it costs us a lot to convince ourselves: we will never see this person again, we will no longer listen to his voice. This is normal at first, but with the passage of time we have to accept reality and we must continue our life.
This does not mean that we no longer love her, but simply that we have to get to the stage of mourning where we accept that she is gone.. The problem appears if the bereavement is not processed or if it is poorly processed. In these cases the situation could become complicated or pathological, strongly affecting our life.
“Death does not exist, people only die when they are forgotten; if you can remember me, I'll always be with you "
-Isabel Allende-
The same happens with children. Even if we don't know how to tell them about the death of a loved one, breaking the news and allowing them to mourn is essential for the loss not to turn into a huge ocean in which to drown.
Furthermore, we will avoid other more serious problems such as drug use, delinquency, confusion, low self-esteem, low performance, risky conduct for sexual activity, suicide, early pregnancy.
The importance of communicating the death of a loved one to a child
The truth is that not addressing the subject to avoid suffering is a mistake. Children are great observers and can see if there is a problem. Lying to them undermines their confidence and makes them feel undervalued. It will also make them feel strangers and insecure in the context in which they previously could express themselves and ask questions.
We could also cause them to feel guilty, help make them have misconceptions about the end of life. By talking about it with our children, however, we will be able to know what their true thoughts are about it, their concerns and their feelings. And this is how we will know how to help them. Otherwise we will find ourselves in difficulty.
“We have to wait for the unexpected and accept the unacceptable. What is death? If we still don't know what life is, how can we torment ourselves to know the essence of death? "
-Confucius-
It is extremely important to talk about this topic as well as other everyday topics, because it is something that children will have to struggle with in their near future. As with other complex life situations, avoiding communicating the death of a loved one to a child is not the solution.
The hour of truth: communicating death to a child
Now it is clear that not breaking the news to the child is not the solution. But ... who tells him? Who talks to him? What is the best time? And above all, what exactly should we tell him and how? Let's see the answer to each of these questions below.
First of all, it is best for the parents or other close family members to take care of communicating the news to the child. It is very important for children to feel confident and safe with the person who will tell them what happened (so they can ask all the questions that come to their mind and the adult can give them the answers or help them elaborate them). We will have to talk to them as soon as possible… postponing the inevitable doesn't help!
Maybe they'll ask us questions we can't answer, but it doesn't matter if we tell them we don't know the answer or that we also have the same concern. So if they come up with an answer, they'll share it with us and we can talk about it together.
It is relevant choose a place that is quiet, that the child knows and perceives as safe. Once there, the message must adapt to the child's age, without using euphemisms or abstract explanations. Giving too many details won't help either. Finally, there are some expressions that are best not used to communicate the death of a loved one to a child:
- “He's gone on a trip” or “Now he's in heaven”: they can cause feelings of misunderstanding and abandonment.
- "God willed it this way": it can lead to think that God is responsible for death and that he is guilty of the present absence of the person.
- “Don't worry, he didn't suffer, he died while he slept”: it can create fear of falling asleep.
- “Unfortunately he was very ill”: it can lead the child to think that he can die from any disease.
Is very important take this into consideration when we have to communicate to a child the death of a person they love. Let's not forget that this is still a complex subject, and the more it will be seen in a normal way in the house, the easier it will be to talk about it when a close person dies.
Images courtesy of Raitiu Bia, Vanessa Bumbeers and Gaelle Marcel.
