Sometimes it can happen to be disappointed by others. But why does this happen? It depends on us? Do we have too high expectations of people? In this article we will try to answer these questions.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
It happens to everyone to be disappointed by others. And there are many people who experience this feeling with a mixture of sadness and frustration. They can even go through very painful psychological states, to the point of avoiding establishing new relationships for fear of reliving the same experience.
Disappointments are hardly forgotten, they leave deep marks in the heart. And if it is true that some are able to manage these experiences better and move on quickly, others cannot get out of them, blocked for years by those excruciating emotions.
But why does it happen so often to be disappointed by others? It is human beings in general who do not know how to manage relationships and act with selfishness? Or maybe we are the ones sinning too much trust?
In the next few lines we will try to give you some answers on this.
Why do you happen to be disappointed by others?
Each of us has his own values; pillars of one's perception of the world, of what love, respect, friendship and also common sense are.
We know that not everyone will be in tune with every aspect of our inner repertoire. We accept that it is impossible to get along with 100% of the people we know or who are part of our life.
However, we demand respect; we expect, at the very least, due trust and authenticity. And in many cases this principle of coexistence is disregarded.
Thus, more or less, we all count episodes of disappointment in the repertoire of our experiences. It is a fact, but there are those who suffer only from time to time and those who do not stop tripping over that insidious stone in the middle of the road. But why does this happen?
Overconfidence: Hypocrisy is the natural state of the human mind
It could be said that in order to better manage our relationships, we should never fully trust a person we have just met. Robert Kurzban, a psychologist specializing in evolutionary psychology, presents a very interesting view in his book Why Everyone (Else) Is a Hypocrite: Evolution and the Modular Mind:
- A part of the mind has its own values, opinions and ideologies. The other, on the other hand, is exclusively oriented to seduce people. We want to please, integrate, have friends and conquer those who attract us. To do this, we do not hesitate to tell little lies or to resort to hypocrisy.
- As the relationship progresses, true character comes out and we may even find that the person we met doesn't share even one of our values.
The best thing to do, in all cases, is to be cautious. There is no need to hand over all of our trust to strangers right away. It is good to observe the behavior of people in small details, in small gestures.
Expectations: the root of all suffering
Shakespeare used to say, expectations are the root of all anguish. Anyone who wonders why he always ends up being disappointed in others, he must first investigate himself and see how high his expectations are on others.
In many cases, reducing them a little helps us to live more peacefully, without having to hope that people are as we want them, or as we need them to be.
Painful relationships
Some people tend to have relationships with extremely harmful partners or friends. This is the case of very empathic people with the classic Wendy syndrome (the need to care for and be useful to others) who forge bonds with narcissistic subjects.
This often occurs: a personality that joins another decidedly less similar. This is due to deficiencies, to that low self-esteem that leads to feeling attracted to the people who make us visible. Until we see the reality, the manipulation, the deception, the damage suffered.
Being disappointed by others: we will not always get back what we have given
We all know the meaning of the term "reciprocity" in the meaning of receiving what is offered. Well, taking it literally can cause us great suffering. Generally we expect from others, as a minimum, an absolute correspondence between what is invested and what is repaid.
But it must be clear that relationships are not commercial transactions. If not, perhaps we should reconsider the real meaning of reciprocity:
- Reciprocity means above all allowing ourselves to receive what others want to give us.
- It is an act of freedom, for which everyone decides when to donate, how and in what quantity.
- Maybe you are worried about a friend, but he doesn't reply to your messages or he is he doesn't like to show up when you want or expect you. Nonetheless, in difficult times it is always present.
- A more relaxed approach is therefore needed. We don't have to measure everything we donate to the millimeter, expecting exactly the same in return. Otherwise it will be inevitable to be disappointed.
Accepting that disappointments are a part of life is crucial. In any case, lowering expectations and being a little more cautious in placing our trust is the healthiest way. Prudence is always a good friend. Let's not forget it.
