Affective addiction: when your emotions are not dependent on you

Who I am
Robert Maurer

Author and references

Affective dependence is a pathological condition of couple relationships. A bit like being addicted to drugs, or alcohol, with the difference that we depend on a person.


it is normal that in a relationship, especially during the phase of falling in love, there is a certain degree of dependence, the desire to "merge with the other", but this "fusional" desire with the stabilization of the relationship tends to diminish.


The desire for fusion would diminish, while it is considered normal to depend on one's partner, at least to some extent.

Basically like saying that there is nothing wrong with taking a little cocaine, the important thing is that it is to a certain extent 😉

The very idea that addiction is a natural part of our relationships in my opinion is the real problem.

Affective dependence is considered a pathological condition, but I believe that, since we consider it normal to depend on our partner, we all develop a certain emotional dependence.

We don't consider it pathological, we don't call it sick, but nonetheless a form of addiction yes.


The employee completely dedicates himself to the other […]. Affective addicts, usually women, in love see the resolution of their problems […] The partner takes on the role of a savior, he becomes the purpose of their existence […]. Because of the fear of abandonment, separation, loneliness, we tend to deny our desires and needs […].


This should be a definition of a "sick" person, but if we look at it honestly, does it not concern all relationships that are considered healthy and normal?

Who in a couple does not dedicate all of himself to the person he loves? Who does not think that the couple, the family, do not both a purpose that gives meaning to one's life?

How many times do we say, do we think we couldn't live without the person we love?

Do only those who suffer from emotional dependence say this? Or do poets, singers write it, directors say it and we read it in Perugina kisses?

Affective dependence, or emotional dependence, if you prefer, it means that your emotions, your well-being, your happiness they depend on someone. Or from something.

Usually the most obvious area in which to notice it is in a relationship, because it is easier to think that it is normal for my happiness to depend on my partner.

However, we can make our emotions, our emotional life, also depend on friends, parents, children and more.

Whenever your happiness or suffering depends on what others say or do, then it means that your emotions depend on them.

And that you are, to a greater or lesser extent, dependent.

Most, if not all, experts consider it normal for this to happen, to some extent, in relationships. Assuming that it is obvious that our positive and negative emotions depend on others.

What if they are wrong?


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But who told you that your emotions depend on others?

Why should this be true? Why should my life depend on the choices of others?

What if next to you there are people who make bad choices, who behave badly, who do not know how to transmit love to you?

Why should you naturally think that your life is in the hands of others?

Affective addiction means that you are in their hands: will they make you happy? Will they make you feel good? Will they give you security?

Or will they make you feel bad, feel inadequate, or inadequate, sad, cause you suffering?

If so, how could we hope to live a happy life if this is ultimately not up to us?

If the experts are right, resign yourself, because your life depends on others, emotionally I mean, so whether you will be good or bad, if you will suffer or be happy, you cannot decide.

You just have to cross your fingers and hope that those around you will give you the happiness you want 😀

Or maybe not?

I say no!

I have experienced that I can be happy whatever others say, think and do.

I have found that emotional addiction is not human nature, but a way of living our life and relationships with others, as a couple, friendship or any type of bond.

We often confuse the way we live with human nature, the nature of our relationships.

I have seen that you can love others, be comfortable with them and be happy, without depending in the least on their choices and words.

Moreover, I understood that if you depend on them, even a little, even within certain limits, you will not be able to truly love them, and you will never be happy.

The truth that not even the experts understand, hardly anyone at least, is that our life is totally in our hands, it does not depend on others, but on you.

And this is true especially if we talk about love, happiness, emotions.

And so far theory 😉

Let's get down to business.

Whatever the negative emotion that most of all poisons your life, I'll explain in the next video what they are, how they are born and how they work our emotions.

I have chosen several examples and I hope they are really enough to make you understand the nature of emotions well, because what I am going to explain now applies to all of them, whether they are positive or negative.

Anxiety and anger, fear or sadness, despair or boredom, apathy, but also joy and serenity, joy and security, love and happiness.

And since our emotions they influence our life immensely (decisions, choices, actions, behaviors, words), this is one of the most important lessons I have learned and which I share with you.


Basically I'm explaining to you what happens in our life every time we feel an emotion.

The idea that they depend on others, or on the situations you live in, is the reason why we end up living a life of continuous emotional dependence on everything and everyone.

We depend on things, objects, comforts, people, relationships, and if we don't have what we want what happens? Simple, we're sick!

But as you understand from this short video, which of course is just a starting point, the reality does not lie in these terms, and your emotions do not depend at all, and never, on what happens or on others.

To learn more, I invite you to download the first chapter of my book, Emotional Independence (title not by chance as you see 😉), in which I will give you many other examples and I will clarify any doubts. Read the first chapter for FREE ⇒

Without understanding this concept it becomes impossible to feel good and happy, and it is inevitable to develop a certain emotional dependence on people and situations.

But it is not reality or human nature: it is alone the wrong way we live.


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Invisible chains created with our hands

I have a second video for you in this first lesson.

In the next 7 minutes I'll explain because an addiction to something or someone arises.

It is clear that in the face of pathological addictions you must consult a doctor or a specialist.

But the emotional addiction it is a way of living our relationships and you can find it in every context.

To those who tell you that it is normal to be emotionally dependent on others, do not believe. As you saw in the video a little while ago, in fact, your emotions never depend on them!


Better to prevent

Now you know that every emotion does not depend on what happens to you, on what others do, on their words and it is never even accidental.

Every emotion it always depends on what you think, from your judgments, from how you evaluate reality. Especially in an unconscious way!

I have for you the first exercise of the Course, an exercise that will be very useful to you in the next few hours and days, until the next lesson.

Listen carefully to the video, which we then conclude.


Discover the 5 Steps to Living INTENSIVELY a life Full of Emotions and Find You Well and in Balance in Every Situation (without Feeling Bad anymore) Training Your "Emotional Independence”, Even If You Don't Believe That Things Enough May they Be Different ...

... If You Don't Trust Yours Capacity or Yours Character It Doesn't Help You!



We depend on what we believe is capable of eliminating, calming, controlling our negative emotions. But everything that is outside of you never solves the problem, it only creates you many more!

Now you know that the emotion depends on you and in the next lesson I'll explain how to start taking control of it.

From now on, however, start to take her away from you creating your own safety net, thinking and organizing simple but effective ways to avoid letting yourself be controlled by negative emotion.

Here are some concrete ideas that I have seen work often and well.

  1. A funny movie
  2. Look for the colorful things around you.
  3. Cheerful music
  4. A phone call to a friend
  5. Dancing indoors
  6. Sing out loud
  7. Pray out loud

These, on the other hand, could be complicated or difficult to achieve on the spot or not very effective:

  1. To play a sport
  2. Go out with friends
  3. Go shopping
  4. Read a book
  5. Take a walk

Let's see how to make them simple.

  • A funny movie. What? Choose two or three, even already seen, and keep the DVD near the player, or bookmark the Youtube page with the film. As soon as you want, it must be a matter of two seconds.
  • Look around and search all blue colored things that there are. Literally make a list aloud and keep your mind focused on blue. Look around and notice everything. I assure you it works amazingly.
  • Cheerful music. What? Choose the one that puts you in a good mood, create a cd or make an mp3 play list and keep it always at hand. Again, a matter of seconds.
  • Call a friend. Who? Someone who is often available. Maybe get ready one or two spare contacts.
  • Dancing indoors. When? Always! You have the music ready, put it on and dance!
  • Sing out loud. Music or not, you can do it immediately. Sing without paying attention to anything, just have fun with a few cheerful and positive pieces.
  • Pray God. Wherever you are you can always turn your thoughts, even in a low voice, to Him. Ask him for the strength to overcome that moment, call it forcefully.

Whatever comes to your mind, write it down, prepare it and, above all, do it when you need it.

But be careful: it must serve you to change your thoughts, not to vent or repress the emotion.

Watch the next video carefully.


All clear?

There is no need to repress or vent the emotion. You have to understand it and transform it. As you will learn already in the next lesson.

Just for clarity: what I'm explaining to you it has nothing to do with a “rational” approach.

There is no opposition between thoughts and emotions: they are instead intertwined with each other.

Thought is simply everything that creates your mind: everything has thought form in our mind. I don't talk about "rational" things, only about real things 😉

Having clarified this, here's what you need to do:

  1. Take a close look at how you live and start identifying the relationships that you have hitherto made your positive or negative emotions dependent on. Did you notice that I wrote you made addicted? 😉
  2. Create your safety net now, write it in the comments, so I can give you tips and practical suggestions.
  3. Use your network often, don't let emotion control you even for 5 minutes.
  4. Whenever you feel an emotion don't blame the rest of the world, don't think it's anyone's credit, but start observing that it's up to you.
  5. Download the preview of my book for free Emotional Independence and read it in the next few hours. You will learn more about what we have seen. Read the first chapter for FREE ⇒

We are just at the beginning. These are the first steps if you want to free yourself from needing someone. Remember this: if you need me, you can't really love me.

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