Are you one of those who go straight to the point, do not care if by doing so you generate a conflict or, on the contrary, you avoid the topics that could generate a discussion with your partner? In reality, both strategies are not very adaptable, we should instead adopt a more balanced attitude. The best approach is to choose which battles are really worth fighting and which ones shouldn't be faced because sooner or later they will resolve themselves.
Of course, adopting this attitude is not easy, especially since it is not easy to discern the real issues worth discussing from the trivial. However, if you follow these three steps, you can give every conflict proper importance.
1. Calm your emotions
Insecurity is one of the most harmful feelings in a relationship and in communication in general. When you feel insecure, your best bet is to refrain from addressing a complicated issue. Because? Simply because when we feel insecure we think that we have to protect ourselves from an imaginary enemy and we get defensive, and this is not a good attitude to deal with a conflict, especially in a couple relationship.
However, we don't always feel insecure, sometimes we feel angry, frustrated or afraid. In general, none of these emotions are good counsel when dealing with a relationship conflict, so it's best to relax. When emotions take over, you see the world through a filter, and this prevents you from behaving more objectively, rationally and flexibly. Therefore, the first golden rule of dealing with a conflict is to make sure that our emotions are not influencing our reason too much and that we are open to the other person's arguments.
2. Appreciate the positives of your partner Often, when we feel bad, we focus only on the other person's negative sides. Either way, if you really want the discussion to go through, we'd better focus on why we love our partner. It is a simple change of perspective, but it makes a big difference, because we do not approach the conflict with a threatening and accusatory tone, but with a more calm one and with the intention of solving the problem. address the issue, tell your partner how much you love him and that you think that solving the problem will strengthen your relationship and you will feel better. Always keep in mind that when we have an argument there are two things that are important to us: perceived threat and neglect. When we recognize the positive aspects of the other, we get the person to let their guard down and adopt an attitude more open to dialogue.
3. Resize your expectations One of the main obstacles in relationships are precisely our expectations and, above all, the expectations that we do not communicate to the other. That is, we expect certain things from the other person, but we don't say it and when those things don't come true we end up disappointed or angry. Therefore, before starting a conflict, it is convenient to analyze what role we played in the whole process. What was our level of responsibility? Have we forgotten any important things? Before pointing the finger at the other, let's point it at ourselves. Often you will be surprised to find that not only were you part of the problem, but you also helped create it. In addition, it is also important to know exactly what you want to achieve when starting an argument, being aware that if a conflict has existed for a long time it is not. it will resolve itself overnight, but it will take a good deal of commitment and a great deal of effort from both of you. When you scale back your expectations you are taking a more realistic attitude that can only be helpful in your relationship and in dealing with the problem.
